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Vertical Prose

June 28th, 2012

34.24 @ 03:56 am

I try and describe my feelings. . . thoughts. . . experience. . .

I make comparisons:
when I loved in Portland in 1999
I remember it as being my happiest
most balanced

I was stoned every day
worked at a bath house: had sex about three times a day (rarely anal; never bottomed)
went to a nude beach or hot spring almost every weekend
never wrote
only listened to music at work
mostly hung with kids
slept on blankets in a sleeping bag (no bed)
often in the back yard
woke every morning at about 5:30
most often walked to work (two miles)
- had a schedule (and a job)

is it fair to say "happiest"?
I may have just been very high
or mushy
surfing on oxytocin

I do remember constant anxiety about diseases (that bath house was filthy; gay=AIDS/death still in my mind then)

but by "happiest"
I mean
I remember being filled with passion and excitement and hope and desires
yet I also had a zen about everything
a calm perspective

or I'm just full of nostalgic bullshit

it was green and moist and limited
able to be comprehended
and relaxed into

Most of my friends were near my age
we'd hang in coffee houses. tea houses. book stores. parks. graveyards.

I. . .

I keep talking about being depressed now

K doesn't experience me like that
and calls it all bullshit
as if I'm attracted to an idea of myself like that

and I wonder if that is what is inside, underneath
or just garbage in my head

I'm a mind person
could I just follow my own actions and feel I had an entirely different identity than I think I have?

I talk about having a closed heart
not being good at loving

J says "don't believe everything that you think"
"it becomes a problem when you take all those thoughts as serious and real and make a big deal out of them"

T says I am very caring, very loving, very joyful and alive to watch

maybe a park of me is a great dark daemon that likes to tell me I'm dead all the time
keeps singing me that song
while the little kid of me keeps dancing and playing

. . . I've been telling myself this story for over a year
since going to be with Dying L
about how I don't really love anyone
not really. . . not entirely. . .
just some fantasy idea of them. . . not the real them. . .
then I filled myself with guilt and shame about it
and have been drowning under that garbage since then

the whole situation made me hate The Church again (any of them, really. I'm still fine with Jesus as a story. . . but any time I hear anyone talk about any of the Christian shit I feel like screaming and smashing shit)

wow, how difficult to love someone when you hate their religion
wow, how easy to hate when it involves religions
the stories that make up the world
the stories we might be allergic to
the stories that make us wrong, bad, evil
how destructive
where's my zen perspective now?

. . . probably lost in one of the piles around my apartment

yeah, and I continue to move the stacks around



June 27th, 2012

34. . . @ 06:13 am

I woke late yesterday
I think it was a morning of double waking
but around noon
in bed til 2
on the video-phone with my mother
and then Koos
who told me I was beautiful, damnit
and would have to tell me again later in the day
while eating a gourmet grilled cheese with white truffle mayo and tater tots at MELT in the plaza of Lexington and 53rd

I ate
looking up at all those high towers of glass
wondering what it would be like to work in one
so many people know. . .

I worked for a temp agencey once
in 1998, I think
staying with JP, yeah
dressing up
going out
working for orthodox Jews in the jewelry district
yeah. . .
could I fake it and pass?
be sent into those towers of glass
to be bored to death by recycled air?

I spoke with dust while thinking this

friends are inspiring to life

I went to see a show called Closer Than Ever
with a man who has the rare experience of having a gay life and a straight life
each with limitations
of course
but it made the relationship stories of these songs poignant in a sympathetic way
sitting next to him

I didn't feel they were singing about my experience very much
I got it

I walked through the city
the night air cool on my bare arms

cool for me
little one

on the train
the car I entered had only one seat open
and was quite crowded
no one took it: big fat man sitting there
I took it
telling him I'd balance on the ledge
he said "no, that's ok. . . "
so I nuzzled back in with him
my body being enveloped by him

he was dressed boring
wasn't a handsome face
but it made the ride so cozy

I find my sense of comfort and attraction very odd

two dapper gay fellows treated me like some famous person
pointing at me and talking to eachother and smiling shyly when I caught them

they waved as they left

I read John Waters talking about Lady Zorro and the Catholic Church as some skinny black guy got on in neon green reflective vest lettered "JESUS SAVES"
going on and on and on about how we're all sinners and should be afraid and repent
and I was happy that various people either told him to shut up
or re-examine Jesus

I didn't have to say anything
and plugged my earphones in to play some Bhagavad Gita
til I walked home
so tired
at 22:22
I talked with Koos again
(he must have felt me come in and called me instantly on FaceTime)

he said
just go to sleep
if you try to write or finish the chapter or anything
you will be up til four

of course not


I can't even say how it happened
the time just got sucked away
I got lost in all sorts of music and stories on the Internet
and here we are
may as well take the time to type it out anyway

can I sleep for a few hours?


June 26th, 2012

34.23 @ 11:36 pm

see old friends
connect with some
older than others
113 at the last 13 to be the 23rd

go shopping
tag sale
not exactly theatrically
but some inexpensive useful things

and more books to stack up

then herbs
offer your knowledge
had you smoked already?
talking like a monster
like a monster
impress everyone into gratitude
and hand out your card to a Persian mystic (of a mundane sort) offering your ability as a psychedelic guide


obliterate yourself
call your friends assholes
in a friendly way
way to much
in order for the day
right on time
and terrified

I always say too much


June 25th, 2012

34.22 @ 01:15 am


I went to see a film with Koos called
"Safety Not Guaranteed"
an indie flic set in the pacific north west
some of it may have been shot on an iPhone. . .
possibly a 3GS

it kept me guessing
and brought tears to my eyes
was generally entertaining
and kept me thinking about it
even more important
it set my emotions flowing in an inspirational current that caught me up continually a good while after it ended

(I saw someone in the movie house who stood out to me. . . and as we left he was on the phone just outside the door. . . when I recognized him as a friend of a friend that I'd never met but had sent a few messages on Facebook. . . and never heard a reply. . . but he said my name to me as I said hello. . . interrupting his phone call, we shook hands. . . )

(I recall, in conversation, speaking of how, last year, no matter what physical and emotional pains I was suffering, disease. . .disillusionment, I was filled with a feeling of gratitude. . . and, as often with perspective gained over time, I told the story as that grace period of gratefulness ending when I went to that spiritual healer. . . and pressed my heart against the pains of my loved ones and asked the spirits to flow through me and help heal those people I love. . . and in telling that story tonight I came to an even fuller understanding of: I gave up on Healing other people years ago: it was making me bitter all the time: I kept laying my life in the fire to help other people and I felt they squandered my love. . . (note: judgements placed on loving will always cause pain: best not to bring your knife into the house of love); I also remembered a friend who operated in the Buddhist paradigm explain to me that
when you do healing work for others you have to deal with their Karma: eat it or cut it or burn it or express it: live it out. Many of those loved ones are doing well right now: I'm suffering (the smallest things) greatly. beast of burden and all that. Oh. Also, I thought of the experience I had of being disillusioned.. with a great lover I had just expressed my love to on an entirely new level. . . only to find, yet again, I didn't know him at all. . . just the facets and projections I found useful or entertaining. . . pleasurable. that would make a great novel. . . or at least cathartic writing experience.)
(I had half a truffle and half a bottle of wine. . . and time may conspire with those to rinse out these epiphanies. . . so I'm making this note more for myself. . . )

Tony and I went to see Martha Wainwright at the City Winery
which felt like being in Napa. . .
in fact, their cask wines were from Napa and Lake County
and the prices and energy felt like that pricey pretentious bourgeois beauty prominent in Napa
but the wine we had was tasty
and the sautéed chard and wild mushroom "flatbread" was good
The opening performer does not deserve mention. . . but a chubby jewish friend of his came on for one song to play the baritone guitar
Adam Levi
he was cute to watch and will be performing at Rockwood tomorrow (Monday) on Allen street, just south of Houston
Martha was amazing
she had fun thrashing around in her performance spasms
even wearing a "Kiki" grimace for a few of her covers
giving beautiful introductions to the Piaf songs. . . which she breathed life into
. . . but she opened the show with three "newish" songs that will be on her new album.
two I had heard last time I saw her live with Tony
but the second song she played was new to me
her first song about Motherhood
she told us
where she begged her child to be smarter than she was
and understand that she would live as long as she could handle it
but mainly she was just a stepping stone for her child to do what they had to do here
not to get hung up on her. . .
she then played the song "Your Clothes", which still haunts me, about her experience of going through her mother's clothes after she died of cancer a few years ago.

Martha Wainwright will never be exceptionally commercial
but she's a beautiful poet who speaks as truthfully as she can
a fantastic live performer
and someone who's struggle I am sympathetic with
I admire her as an artist
if you haven't listened to her
I suggest it.

we are living in a time of abundance
there are those that tell us
it will all run out
or be polluted
or controlled and taken away

what if the world is
linear, objective

what if
really really
there isn't time
or truth
or reality
what if it's just whatever we want it to be
("we" as in: the universal spirit of humanity/the world/our universe
"want" as in: what our heart as a whole decides to manifest as our reality)

the limited supply of helium on this planet that we're squandering on floating balloons
won't ever run out
we'll have it always
we'll always have enough oil
clean air
and happy skies

if we just believe
if we keep the ball going
keep it up in the air

outside of the ideas of
What Goes Up Must Come Down

why is any joy for me always obscured by knowing that the ball will drop?

maybe we'll never need to sleep
or exhale. . .


I explained the philosophical idea of "Objectivism" to Koos today
and realized
that was the world I grew up in
(Fuck You very much, Ayn)
but have always resonated more on the easterly channels of
this whole world is created by Us
None of Us are Independent
and, when we do drop the concept of separateness
understanding the use of our ego
but realizing to each other more as deities in the divine
( oh! ego trip! people often have asked me if anyone ever calls me "D.Vine" and I've always shrugged it off. . . but if I wanted to express my ego as even more out of control than it is and actually use it as a moniker it would be very clever to style it as
because the : is kinda like and i. . . get it? ha!)
(ummm, sorry. ok.)
and working together as cells in a body
identifying as just tiny pieces in the universal body with specifics tasks to perform until our usefulness is expended
we could still have some "fun" (woooo!hooo!)
but we could work together with more love and honesty and create more beauty and destroy and abuse each other

wouldn't that be Awesome?



June 23rd, 2012

34.21 @ 10:27 pm

amazing to me
the girl
the go after
the blather

so tired
spun out


I wanted to say
it's amazing to me
the lengths we go to
for love
how many castles we build
to protect ourselves from it
how many traps we lay
to ensnare it
how many daggers
to kill it

what songs and theatrics
begging for it
building and destroying kingdoms
for love

stabbing our kin in the back

sitting next to love
wanting only to flee. . .
did I say "we"?
I'm sure I mean "me"


34.20 @ 09:53 am

if I could make wishes
...presuming I didn't just accept myself as I am
I would wish to
understand music
keep a clean house
eat better
be more athletic
have a better spiritual/mental/emotional discipline
be more compassionate to other people's lives
enjoy the world around me more
see things more of what they are than of the projections I beam on them

generally what everyone wishes for


I love seeing my idols (always temporary for me) in their human frailties
it does me good to see someone terrified
when I know they perform graceful and sublime work


I'm a fine freak
I don't try too hard at it
I don't feel comfortable in or out of it
I tend to agree with their actions more than I do mainstream people
but criticize just as many

I always fantasize about appearing "normal" again
ya know
shaving my face every day
and tucking my shirt in
. . . maybe even tying a tie. . .
but then
I'm fetishizing "normal"
which, again, makes me a freak
so I'll always be more comfortable being an obvious misfit
clearly imperfect
instead of playing the game of appearing solidly ideal. . .


I gave a litany of imperfections about Humans
I can't help but always see them/us for our insidious evil
destroying the earth
exploiting eachother
my self-loathing is multi-ply!
being a man
being white
being American
being Midwestern
etc. . .
all of these are umbrated by being Human

deep shame at this sorry state I have fallen to. . .

though I know I could see all and any of these same traits as reason for Pride!
(yay! happy pride! happy lust! happy gluttony! . . . )

. . . if I were more a celebrant
than tedious old Ezekiel


June 22nd, 2012

34.19 @ 06:00 am

-everyone stinks of coffee sweat-

first time at the office since I got back
and i had no patience for it

civilization and society are important
but a big factor of my identity (for better or worse)
is I cannot please people all the time
I cannot listen
be patient with
be grateful of

I cannot always have an open heart
I cannot always be awake

as much as I'd like to. . .

as much as I'd like to sleep all the time
surf in dreams
as often as they are nightmares
as often as they are tedious and nonsensical
as often as I am omniscient or omnipotent
flying around
saving the day

or used to

sometimes. . .

wish I woke with the dawn
though I have struggled
to love
to be polite
I fail
though I struggle
to focus
to write a book
to wake with the sunrise
I fail

and I have to be Ok with that
coz it is what is

it's beautiful anyway
two bears I hadn't seen in quite a while hugged and kissed me on 23rd street
before I got a matcha bubble tea

I got to pull off some magic for Koos
appear in a puff of smoke he exhaled from his fingers
standing behind him at the movie theater
watched The Avengers
amazed by all the zippers

met up with the jailbird and the lion sage
saw a play
a ritual blessing of balance
silliness and play

look what we can do!

the world is full of options. . .


riding home
I squeezed in next to a princess and pulled out my iPad to watch the rest of "Neverland"
she actually said "seriously?" in the mocking bitchy tone I'd only ever heard queens feign

girls are horrible monsters!
". . . only sometimes
they must be
as embarrassing
as me"

the night carried me through it
the beautifully colorful morning clouds are singing me to sleep


June 21st, 2012

34.18 @ 04:59 am

the gates have been locked
12 months from now
my wild secret garden
will be reopened as a Nice Park
which I don't think we need more of
I wish I could make some case for the necessity of nude sun bathing in manhattan
but most of the people who used the beach just used it for cruising
ignoring the raspberries and mugwort
never climbing the trees
and hardly ever laying naked in the sun
. . . there were a few of us, though

it makes me want to run away to Europe again
where a friend wouldn't have to spend a night in jail just for drinking a beer by the river
where being naked in nature would be understood as a human right
and I doubt they'd be killing a thousand geese a year just to cut down the chance of planes engines getting clogged

maybe if we kill all of the nature
things will be perfect?

I'm hardly one to talk, though
can't sleep like any human being
lay down to sleep at sunset
blessedly I slept
but woke "in the middle of the night"
only to find it was 10:30
after gnawing on myself a bit
I went for a walk
got some food
and then set to work on learning new aspects of video editing

I could feel the prospects of the project filling me with passion
to solve the problem
to create something
execute a vision
even though the steps necessary to manifest my idea seemed daunting
I knew it would just take time
just lots of focused time
which I don't have a good track record of implementing
but I can feel its possible

then the program crashes
and the birds start singing
so I can brush my teeth
and lay down
hoping for some easy rest
now that the sky is lightening

it will all be in the right place
(everything is in its right place)
( if the ceiling doesn't cave in )


June 20th, 2012

34.17 @ 02:18 am


then find something useful to do
when appointments
let down

be active
scrape up the feeling of obligation
surf that artificial motivation

alien with friends
as are they are
go for a walk
feel the trees greet you
the air here
moist and cool
the wood chi tendrils brushing the skin and hair
and walk
you know the way
through this deep dark forest
through this beautiful park
its wild animals
and shadows
these people are your people
these views are your kingdom
we're all here together
we know the way
and forgive our tragedies
feel grateful for our quiet depression
over the tales of passionate
and destructive ones

hear from friends
even reach out to some
receiving manic bliss
ebbing life wanness
and reveling in the failures of past friends

I told him
one of the reasons I'm isolating myself
I'm being a real bitch
so I'm keeping to myself
keeping my hands busy
and urging them to move to actions of creation
over killing time
or spreading discord

but I do not have control
only sway. . .


34.16 @ 01:31 am

... I didn't take Facebook at all seriously for the first two years I was on it... I'm still pretty loose with it and think of it as this era's "AOL" (this too shall pass)... so I've got 1700 "friends"... many of whom I do not know at all. I occasionally look through the newsfeed.l. but not often.
however... a few weeks ago I saw some guy post about how he met some guy "with zero help from the Internet" and fell in love a year ago and with the greatest man EVER!
which I thought was a sweet way of celebrating the anniversary... I'm so reticent to believe in romantic "love" but it made me feel I should be less cynical of it...
I don't really know the fellow...
but I saw a post from him today (he posts a lot) saying how he's just gone through a terrible break-up and is so grateful for his mom and friends for helping him through it.
OH... greatest man ever broke up with you on your anniversary?

yeah, that's what I thought. oh well.

the universe will support you on whatever idea you hold as true, I know..
it takes a while to weed out these echos and reflections...

it's worth it to believe in love
I'm sure

to sculpt a vision
hold it precious

we'll try that
as the route of keeping love at assistance isn't too pleasing




June 18th, 2012

34.15 @ 01:30 am

I Love
when we're talking
and I can see the Soul in your eyes
when reality fades out
and your face is sharper in focus
than daily living
when we're together in love, understanding and compassion

I've lost my trust in my lust
so suspect any of my joy in the grotesque

I want only people that encourage me to
be more present
blossoming into further dimensions


I listened to a band called "Starfucker" preform the Cindy Lauper anthem "Girls just want to have Fun"
and at the third verse
I wondered if Muslim women ever sat alone in their rooms singing it to themselves
misremembered as:
"some religions
take a beautiful girl
and hide her away
from the rest of the world

I want to be the one
who walks in the sun
And, Girls
they wanna have fun
Girls just want to have fun."

you know
in Melancholy Ballad style

I only remembered the line about the Sun
before seeing it live tonight
and thought it to myself today
as I dodged out of the shadows
to be warm
and feel glorious

the weight of Saturn
can make the fluffiest idea
immensely dense

that happens all the time here



June 16th, 2012

34.14 @ 11:55 pm

just one more thing to do
before I..

.. I'm almost ready to start.

Just One More Thing To Do.
I've got to. . .

I'm almost ready to..

just a few more minutes
a few more things to do
then I'll

I've got to do this
then I'll. . .

I'm almost ready to

ready to start

I'm Ready To Start!

just one more thing. . .


it's easier
you know
to be positive in the face of someone who is dying and complaining about life

much easier
sharp contrast
obvious example
of un enjoyable living

it's simple
sometimes he's the critical one
negative, always No and Can't Be Done

but when he's not
that's what I'm doing
or how taken
and when I hear myself
it sounds like it

but I don't know

what I want
what to do
what's going on
how to do it
how to start

I don't know

but it's nice
just to be loved
just to be close
just to watch the sunset
the rest of my desires are echoes of habits

"let's go together!
let's do it together!



34.13 @ 04:49 am

"like that time I was in a car with Dave and we ended up in Canada. . . " - overheard from passerby

four bands played
outside in the
little strip of grass
under a tree
massage stepping on each other


bending over backwards
with the tree
and on each other

watching the sun
set against the stars
and each other

of Montreal
were fucking beautiful
as they do
we danced
and were generally mirthful

yay, thanks for a good day


good weather
in my head

strangely threw my back out
(never done that before... now i know what everyone means when they say that)

set an alarm this morning
yeah, woke up when it was still morning
easily sleep deprived
but onward!
cleaning house
doing laundry

is that how i did it?

i was shrunk
and the conclusion of today is
my idea of my life is becoming closer to the actuality of my life
and, boy-o-boy-o am i learning to be vulnerable.


revsiting everone's favourite magical herb today
i can't say it's a bad thing
but will i tomorrow
if i don't have another?

but i know me: i will.
(i've got work to do)

glad to run into P.Christ
who i'd not seen in a very long time
we exchanged our troubles
like trading cards
showing our
"well, my life is like your life: this is how mine has been suffering. this is how mine. just like that!"
eating pizza
ice cream

my body agreed

and Jorge
i had a genuinely good time with him
good show, chap


the ride home i felt a bit mischievous
but only after i felt a fool

(Drunk!Girls! had to pee... i offered them the water mudra... they did not deign to notice my existence. stupid boy was pretending his android had an app that played sound effects like running water.. so i turned on my "white noise" app on my iphone to the "running water sound" -- i felt like an antagonistic little kid / brother .. so stopped)

got home
went out to the sidewalk
the last two spaces had trees planted in them today

a good day to do things
so i went out there and sewed my seeds
the one that came in the mail
Obedient Dragon Heads
Love In A Mist
and some others

fingers in the dirt
sprinkling water

perhaps too late in the season

where is the moon today?

all is well
but it's 4:30 again
like last night

i'm more tired though
and will sleep again
and will wake to my alarm again

i mustn't let myself lose the morning entire again

must keep dialing it back
dialing it back...



June 14th, 2012

34. . . @ 09:20 am

I would
I could be nocturnal

but I always dream of being in sync with the world

I treasure my Otherness
(ego sickness)

I read that "morning people" are more likely happier and healthier
but because of their exposure to early morning sun
or being on sync with society
is unclear

they maybe are Healthier and Happier
thus wake joyfully in the morning to enjoy all life has to offer

where we night creatures night be disappointed with the steadiness of the day
a bitter taste in our mouth
with all this order we do not know our place in
constant like the moon
more attracted to her fickle laws
deciding to be so bright at night
to catch everyone's eye
though not shining
just reflecting

yes, maybe we're reactionaries
clans of antagonists

. . . what?

I wish I could just
do whatever
sleep whenever
wake whenever
have moments of aloneness
the peace of night
when you are all sleeping

I would wish it
but it doesn't make me happy
healthy, wealthy nor wise

it's just a further form of self indulgence
it does not help me sing
it does not help us dance

I must find a truer wish to want upon
I roll it around on my tongue. . .



34.12 @ 08:22 am

I don't know if I want to talk to him
I see him there
he's obviously different
long hair
I think one leg is a prosthetic
smoking electronic cigarettes on the train!
a walking stick with branch knots apparent
all dressed in black
manicured sides of his beard
not an iPhone user
enjoying his music
making faces of presence at me
long pale fingers
black backpack with purple carabiner on it
we're both different
but I'm not really super interested in the 100% black clothing people

there was a fat daddy beat I saw on my street yesterday
in a kilt!
grey hair
but all dressed in black
knee high leather boots

so odd that that is a turn off for me now

what use are you to me with out chroma?
this is where we live
in the mix. . .


he'd come a burlesque show at the Delancey
I saw his mouth open
I though
"sci-fi nerd"
this is what the straight ones grow up to be
now he's talking to the nice jewish girl sitting next to me
showing her pictures from tonight's show
a go-go dancer
"who treats gravity like a toy"
he sounds do impressed
excessive emphasis on these words
but I can tell he used to be very fat
now he's slimmer
but a soft pouch in the front of his black slacks
and just such Big Hands and shoulders
a large man
to someone like that
a dancer
"her background was in ballet"
his knee apparatus
it would be so amazing to beep lithe and graceful

I'm a little like that
have been more so
and those that I am attracted to admire the freedom I have in my body
as I admire the gravity they have on this earth

. . . but my superficial attraction has proven to be a poor choice most times
"bad taste in men" I was accused of at age 15
and still to this day
enough enough enough
on I wrestle
but mostly with myself
"find something else to do
with your time
. . . oh, while you've still got the chance"



June 13th, 2012

34.11 @ 07:19 am

the world likes to dance
she offers her hand
in the form of a fierce beautiful Scottish girl from Arizona
Let's make Music
make fantasy
have adventures

she come around again
separating from the throng
I heard her singing
ma vie en rose
on my subway platform
many months ago
she's beautiful
and beauty leads us on
perhaps out of perversion
though her commitment to fantasy leaves plenty of room for new kinks

there was theater
but it didn't inspire me
the gold leaf and fantasy of the building did
the night of rain did
seeing her again in the restaurant did
playing checkers
with cocktails and chocolate did
The Drug Song For Paula
was a good beat to pull each other too

"there's something in the air. . .
and it's Rez by Underworld"

I had to go home, yo
it was after 2
and the rain feel sweetly
reminded by my walk with Marcel
I let it kiss all over me
walking through the A over to the 1
so I could write my way home

what else lies in store for me tonight?




June 12th, 2012

34.10 @ 05:16 am

"you are fearless"

I did not contradict
I do not well know my stance on that

of course I have fears
they plague me when I am alone
and have nothing to deal with

but yes
a half-life of traveling and rebelling the life I was offered
in action
yes, of course

yes, something like that
not afraid of what I've been told to be afraid of
what I'm expected to be afraid of
so many silly things
not worth sounding the alarms about

perhaps I am a hunter
or fancy myself one
a hunter of fear
stalking it in the world
as if an exterminator
just another agent of darkness
but never really inclined to create more fear
but to stalk it
and crush it

tiring of this
many mundane fears are ignore by me
sometimes I get bitten
mostly I brush it off

sitting in the dark
in central park
the wind wishing through the trees

what is that?
frog? duck? queer?
a police siren blip over there
a crushed stick: who goes there?
a splash in the water

my body tenses
I'm alive
just flexing my wings


what did I find
wandering around in the dark?

skull faced daemon vampires?
self manifest as sucubus?
ink spot bass tantra master calling me Baby?
disappointed munchkin monster?
family of raccoons?
Cuban brujo who fed me his eggs for hours?

what did I find?
the land of faerie is Off The Map
the lights, the dark
the winding paths
the running water

the energy it takes
an open hand
Tina of gifts
given given given
habit driving me to hunger
self actualized
acrobatic, sensual warlock
servant of outcast isolated priests
wishing to free the planet from the death-grip of humanity

and though I
walk home alone
"I might walk home alone
but my faith in love is still devout"

oh, scratch my name on your arm with a fountain pen. . .



June 11th, 2012

34.9 @ 03:41 am

what good are our hands on existential matters
- for the man who's brain is everything
against a man who works with his hands

I don't know either of us

but he loves
and wants

we cannot fix other people's lives
even those we love

but we can help by loving

there can be all manners of space and time in the equation of love
though I wouldn't say they don't affect it
they certainly aren't a barrier

Actions seem to be a measure
but the currency of love is closer to presence

even through fogs of depression
or waves of introverted isolation
it is a blessing to remember moments of love
memories of being in the motions of love

being with another being
dropping guard and being divine with them
saving them with proximity of unity
or glorifying them in celebration of existence

in all this

but I appreciate it

though not always present to it
I notice the dancing of living with you
I wish I were more of a weaver

I keep reaching
stretching my fingers towards
opening my mouth
licking my lips
inhaling, as if to. . .

I will
I will
ik wil. . .


June 10th, 2012

34.8 @ 06:30 am

tedious or enlightening

I believe the world is made of stories
elementals forever divideable
every origin
can have a prequel
the magic of imagination
tracing back infinitely

wishing to be created of love
outlining the fears in the darkness
reenforcing neurosis
creating beauty
banal entertainment
divine entertainment
catching up the mind
the soul
carrying the Life along

digital bits
sub atomic

to harness the tongue

. . . I do not want to be
drunk on power

I do not trust my purity of heart

the more I learn of my humanity

I do not trust us

yet I desire this strength
and have
countless times
shirked it
collapsed into weakness

I'm fairly certain
in this life
I need someone to hold me hand
to manifest as my whole self

to give birth
to be reborn
to be Alive

in actuality
all surrounding
in action



June 9th, 2012

34.7 @ 08:00 am

I was often amazed
as a kid
to see how thoroughly adults misunderstood the young
I kept it up through my twenties
and after I turned thirty
I was able to look back at the kids and smile with sympathy
how much they misunderstood life
their fiery passions and desperate yearnings
ah, the peace of maturity. . .

but wait! there's more!

I'm still amazed
and see it happening to myself
I'm sure
each moment
I may forget why kids are as they are
even should I take a younger lover
I know how that goes
to marvel at how they burn
"whilst [i] can only wonder why"
but somewhat content to at least warm myself by their fire. . .

compassion is always an option, though
and can save us from humiliating each other

I always yearn to be in both worlds fully
and often end up lost in limbo
looking at them from a distance
(or, luckily, lost in one. . . but without, then, any perspective. . .
who needs perspective when one is in love?
maybe perspective has always been more important to me and is my undoing. . .
("in haunted attics"!)

maybe I have never yet felt a part of my generation (but isn't my generation defined by not feeling a part of itself?)
or a family. . .
nationality, race, creed. . .
so I may never side specifically against any new movement I encounter
any more than I have all others

yet I do wish to understand

and with perspective I can
it is in interaction where I am most foolish
. . . thus, also, most sublime


June 8th, 2012

34.6 @ 06:24 am

return to the light
woke at 10:30
but I'm still up now
so I don't imagine a huge change
just sleep deprivation in store
but the day had its beauty
slow push ups
digging stuff off my face
burning stuff off my feet
I winced around
looking for comics
-Can anyone recommend Alan Moore's Promethea?
I rarely read anything anymore
but for pixels flickering across my eyes
(mostly while I'm typing. . . )

ah, I flipped through finding people in union square beautiful and repulsive
so didactic. . . no. . . diaphanous. . . no. . . dichotomistic. . . polar. . . gemini
some beautiful troll on a bike
did not appreciate my taking pictures of him
ah. . .
I met up with Koos
a little frazzled from trying to get some lenses cut for some frames I bought last autumn
we went up to times square
failed to buy tickets for a show for lack of good tickets for my discount code
ate Thai (delicious duck. noodles. green tea ice cream)
I had a cocktail
is one enough to make me nauseous when cigarettes are added?
we went back to union square to watch Moonrise Kingdom
held hands
laughed and cried and cringed and
what's the emotion people mean when they go "squeeee!"?
we stood at the tip of the triangle where Broadway & 4th split
cars zooming around us
hailed a cab
a ride that was truly terrifying
cute seikh
but on his phone and agro
we smoked another cigaret in front of the radio city music hall
and I felt terribly nauseous
he wished I could just sleep
just rest
I. . .
I'm in a state if being disengaged from my desires
it's keeping me out of trouble
and depression (wait. . . is that a symptom of depression? shit, yo..)
I went home
walking by more seikh can drivers
I was rapt in the feeling of innocence
that movie. . .
was it false?
it certainly inspired. . .
maybe I just wanted to be innocent again
but on the train I finished watching an episode of true blood
which made me sigh
and some guy was yelling with bulging eyes
telling all the african to go back to their own fucked up countries. . .
he looked like he had a good deal of african through him
I almost threw up
heat flushed through my body
I gasped for air

when I got up to leave
I couldn't get out fast enough
but while I waited for the door to open
I stated him in the eyes
just. . .
just so he'd know he was being heard. seen. just to let him feel it

I wished I could love and see the love in all creature
like Snow White and the bridge Troll
but. . .

I walked home
talked with T a while
face time
imagining sign language this way
snippets of the day:

what makes a person poor
is his inability to appreciate the gifts he has

I vacillate
in beauty

I tried to write
but demanded I keep myself thoroughly distracted
not a huge waste
just a constant ebb of attention
now look at it
time to switch off



June 7th, 2012

34.5 @ 04:47 am

I'm out of time/sync
but I like these pictures I took in my "hallway"
I have two in my apt
but this is my cluttered and decorated one. . . so much space for more

the frizz I've been feeling is fading
I've been resting in my nest of an apt
enjoying not cleaning or washing or organizing
just stagnating and pondering
I feel a gentle shifting
and I'll get up to walk again soon

Dear Mr. T has kept me social
he claimed my fifth day of birthdays
though I seem him more than anyone else
all this Theater. . .
he invited me to dinner
which was delicious
with Excellent ambiance
he took me to BAM to see Jonathan Pryce in the Pinter play "the Caretaker"
which was. . .
I'd never seen anything like it
and loved the British mess of it
the moments of mundane madness
the storytelling

and the conversations on the train afterwards

the play echoed in me
feelings when I'm lacking gratitude
which has become more precious to me the longer I live
and I am grateful for friends
as I'm grateful for feeling gratitude
a gift returned to me at the end of my last California trip
I do not yet feel I have regained my strength nor beauty
but I am also grateful for friends who hold it in their hearts

I'm blessed
and not entirely tired
on my vampire schedule
it's time to now sleep

wake by an alarm today
stuff to do in the city
thank you city
I'll come greet you soon




June 6th, 2012

34.4 @ 02:21 am

kinda amazed how the days are passings
kinda amazed
how I was Lonely in the California forest
now I'm back in the big city
and just want to be Alone

perhaps it's the ringworm (or whatever) on my face and hand that enforces my desire not to see or touch anyone
-I found myself singing New Order's "Leave Me Alone" on my birthday and was surprised. . . as I didn't think I felt like that. . . it was just the undertow of the coming wave
and now I'm out in the sea

but it's quite comfy


what do we do
us artists
complex people
born in confusion
to simple men
with some brave passion to say all they are content to leave unsaid
say unsayables...
to other complex and confused people
happy to nod and "hmm" in agreement
or give us money
in compensation for there confusion.


even being near Steven Sondheim seemed to make my sense of pitch better
or the performers knew he was there and we're terribly nervous
to put it like Koos
The Show Was Bad

still. . .
an interesting story
I bought the book it was based on from amazon immediately

I walked around with Tony
we sat in silence
feeling the sun
and Venus

I wanted to reach out and be there
really feel her
can you hear me?

I lay in bed
studying Venus
all day

"every planet we reach is dead"

but there's gotta be other life out there
outside of ourselves

I mean
besides the guy who turned his cat into a helicopter

sitting in silence with a friend
being. . .

I read some article Eli wrote
where he described me as his friend
and sometimes lover

I liked his style of writing

I thought of he
and Sheridan and Trevis
and how we chipped away at the stone of life
faceting it

I don't do that with my friends now
(except with love. . . which is more ameliorating)

or do I do it. . . ?

I looked through an x friend's files
he had a collection of compliments

I thought
"what a sweet boy"
I wish I could only think positive things about him

but how could I facet him
without a critical eye?

a guy came up to me in a bar
and talked to me about Jorge
telling me how sexy he is
and such a great kisser

I'm happy for my friends

I walked under the moon

it's late

I'll be home by now

thanks Venus



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