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July 16th, 2005

the anger and the love of it all @ 01:27 am

ahhh
sometimes
i am a very SAD Panda...

i guess i've got a lot of sadness..
dissapointments
in myself
and others...
the world in general
the critisms and judgements...

hurts and angers..

no wonder i was so sad...
something about Ptown..
that Vortex...
it kept reminding me
showing me over and over
i'd place my hand over his heart and feel the love
the lack love
the wishes
the joy
the playing
the playfulness
the Life.

i'd feel it.
happy birthday, Cancer.

such sadness
sometimes i feel overwhelmed
but it's just sadness

when i got back into town
i went directly out dancing..
and the show didn't start when it said it would
so i got to stand around and watch the drag queens
queens
divas
queer boys..

some kid from London named Luka came up to me and ground his hips into me
kissed me
licked my ear
suck his hand down my pants
and said "i want to lick your butt'

but i was waiting for the show
past the rock/glam cover of Madonna's Frozen
and the roof-top smoking
i waited
and when it came
it was only one song...

and some worry.

i didn't get to sleep til 5
but still woke at 8 to make sure i'd be to the garden on time...

but B had fucked things up
got a new lock for all the tools..
and lost the key.

it took a long time to figure that out, of course
but when it all did
i left
sad and frustrated:
i'd come back to work at the garden
and here she was...
here
flaking out
totally disorganized..
but she's bleeding
and how can i argue with that?
my emotions can't really be respected
coz she's where she's at.

OK

maybe that pang
that pulling
when getting on the ferry
and the buss
was saying
"don't go back: you don't need to"

well
when i got to the garden
a beautiful fairy jumped the fence in a skirt and huge boots
ripped up arms
delicate face
pale pale skin
long red hair

Ok, babe
Ok.

and the boy
the monkey wrench boy
the cut the lock
and talked

most of the day was spent showing off the garden
to them
other kids
other parents
community members
and a drunk guy...

i gave away collards.. lots of them
and two eggplants
some fennel
basil
catnip

some kids came and helped me dig
just at the only real Labour i was doing that day
a guy i'd met before
his brother and sister
and mother!
they all grabbed shovels and dug in the rocky ground!
we re-made the bed..

Beautiful!

planted the foxgloves
got everything watered

then i headed down to get bike #1 from the dutch

... it was so amazing
once i got the tires filled and the seat adjusted
to ride through NYC...

the road is terrifying
the holes
ruff! ruff!

WOOF!

the cars, cabs, tons of people
a lot different than riding in many other places

but i can deal

my legs are already sore!

i rode home
did a massage trade with a very interesting fellow
then we went out to eat
-- there's a whole world outside my door i don't know yet.


it makes me aware that to really be a part of this community
i have to live here for a few years..
it isn't going to happen in just a few months

patience, dragonfly..

i went to sleep at 2
surprised i was tired..

woke around 11 this morning
and was a lump
things to do
undone

well deserved rest and stillness?

a friend came over
and drove me to pick up Bike #2
whereupon
i changed my plans (which had changed already from other plans i've made: is this indicative of my Satyrn? my foundation is ever-shifting?)
and went to spend some time with Nay...
we walked
and shopped
bike lock
shoes
chocolate
shuffle
yeah...

i locked the bike at 16th street
and heading up to work on a client

-it was cuddle therapy!

then down to columbus circle
for my most regular client right now
-- an hour of conversation before
-- where i shouted at his boy friend for making fun of me for hugging a tree
he said
" a tree is so cold and inanimate..."
and i kinda lost it.

EVERYTHING IS ALIVE AND LOVES YOU
if you treat it that way.


[ THANK YOU ]


the massage was great
another hour of talking

a subway ride to the bike

a bike ride around
around!
YES YES YES
pizza
pumperknickle bagel with walnut and raisin cream cheese
YES YES

a ride around
HOME
home..

locked up with my big safe lock
yeah
OK
then
up
here
then up to sleep!
to sleep!
thank you
hello
Thank you.

i'm off tomorrow to Ithaca!
Yeah!
yeah!
i'm off forever and ever

dominic's always leaving.
 
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