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July 15th, 2005

devotional @ 08:33 pm

Leaving Ptown today
i was wracked with sadness
terrible feeling
like i was making a horrible mistake: Leaving.
like i was leaving love behind
somehow
losing something...

every step i took away felt the same thing
in Boston
after the second client
heading into the bus station
the same pull/pang

What is this?
who is it?

i didn't fall in love this week...
oh, but i wanted to..

there were certainly a few
in the streets
not the beach
in the streets
in the bars
in the...
those fucking hungry ghosts
gnawing at my heels

the deamons of gay culture
begging for the perfect wife/husband
to save my life.

"but ya gotta have Devotion"
even the bus station says to me
i get here at 7:45 and have to buy a ticket for 9pm
i walk to the train station: no better option
and when i get back
at quarter after 8
the line is just as long as it was before
but now
for the 9pm bus
tons of people heading to New York City
where we all wanna be

now we're getting in at 2 am if we're lucky
will the roads be open?
i'm going to have to get cabs anyway if i'm going to want to make the show i wanted to see tonight
yet again
paying 10 or 15$ to only see a few moments of someone
late night performers
dancing
all the gay boys

it's busy
this life is busy...

but yeah, i decline
i mean
i'm sorry
that is
no, i'm not spending adequate time enriching myself
not with the Networking (spinal body work)
not with the piano lessons
or language classes

no
i'm not being devotional to myself
or my lover

i hear him
and i hear Eli saying
"it will not work like that, dominic:
you will not find a lover that will make you stop having sex with the multitudes...
you will have to stop first and then the lover will come to you"

and rumi whispers
"YOU MUST ASK FOR WHAT YOU REALLY WANT
---- DON'T GO BACK TO SLEEP ----"

and i'm not being devotional
but i'm sitting of the floor of the bus station at 25 past 20 waiting
not really out of devotion
but because
sometimes
ya just have to wait

anything else would be a mistake

Right?
what is that tug?
 
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