Subject: the things i didn't say and the things i want to say and the things never said.
Date: Mon, 04 Mar 2002 19:29:43 -0800
i am writing to wish you a happy birthday.
i am writing because i wish there was love between us.
i think about you all the time.
i cannot help it.
almost everyone i have met here in amsterdam is a pisces
i am going to a million parties
men born in your very same year
i cannot help but think of you
and how much distance there is between us.
what would we do together?
i don't know
but i cannot forget
i have been seeing a lot of theater
it is mostly filled with fear and pain
not just entertainment theater, you know
lots of killing and abuse and screaming
and doing their best to deal with pain
it made me want to write a hate letter to you
because we never talk
so i just assume you hate me
hanging up the phone on me
but i wrote the letter
and couldn't send it
it just made me sick for days.
i have just moved into a new apartment
0031 20 427 9874
Laagte Kadijk 13c
1018 BC Amsterdam
given to me by a friend who is a theater director and actor
he is currently touring a show called "Jason's Zonen"
about fathers and sons...
it's lots of talking
lots of trying to explain
lots of screaming
and the boy convincing the father to die at the end
all fathers do, eh?
it sure would be nice to have a nice child hood with you
but in lue of that
it would be nice
find a way to love
before you die.
are you doing well?
i don't know anything about you.
i never really did
just what i was scared of.
and you never knew much about me
just what you hated in yourself
if i remember correctly
i feel like i just keep repeating our relationship over and over again.
but when i love someone
and i take them in my arms
i am always aware of the pain
of being unloved.
of being un able to allow myself to be loved.
of being scared.
oh well, memories, eh?
i hope you're doing well.
my heart is sore.
but i remember over and over
it's not hate
we all do the best we can.
for your birthday
i wish you love.
i wish i would love you with my full heart
clear of fear
i wish that you be surrounded by people who really love you
people looking you in the eyes
someone you can talk to
and let your emotions out to
you can look at
and feel your heart over fill with joy
spilling out in laughter
more than happy
i wish you a blissful birthday
a celebration that you're still alive
coz you still have so much you want to learn and teach
share and experience.
as far as other things
i would like you to do something for me, please.
take the money out of the roth IRA
and keep whatever of it you need to pay taxes.
i have no money right now.
so i am staying here for a few months instead of travelling
to get some massage clients going on...
but i don't like what i hear of the american government
know that it's not that i don't respect you
i just care about money and stuff like that for some big future
i'd rather give it to people who can use it now.
my friend who i went to mongolia with last year
ended up giving me the trip
but filed it [he just sent me an email telling me this]
and filed it as 5700$
having had no taxes pulled out of that
i assume it will be substantial
i suggest you kill the IRA for me
use whatever money you need for taxes
and keep whatever you want for yourself
giving the rest to Mother
i offered to give him some more money for the trip too... coz i really
didn't do 5700$ worth of work
but he hasn't responded yet
i just sent it tonight.
you don't have to worry about me not paying my taxes anymore
coz i won't be being taxed on anything.
i just don't want to be a part of certain aspects of society, Father
many of them you esteem and view as the only way of living
think of me as a monk
or a priest
i am cared for by the hospitality of the world
those who need to learn from me take me in and care for me while i
those that need to teach me
take me in and care for me while they share with me their experiences
often we do it for eachother at the same time
i have lived in communities
and will do so again
i am currentlly exploring the idea of becomming a part of a classical
spritual society, like buhhdist or orthadox greek
i need to learn some discipline and skills beyond what i have.
i don't want you to worry about me
and i don't want you hate me
or fear me
or fear for me
or be angry
or shameful about me
i want you to come to peace with me
but not by crushing my life and controling me
as you are want to do
but by accepting me as i am
and trusting me
and having faith that i live my life on my own path
and no matter how it goes
it is my life
and i will be OK.
i am still young
and working it out.
you are 51 in a couple of days
blessings to you.
enjoy the journey
enjoy the scenery
enjoy the beauty
and send my love to the family.