i was walking through a park with a friend and told him i don~t believe the world has victims...
we were talking about the homeless here in são paulo...
upon arrival, i saw a woman sitting on the ground with one coin in a translucent plastic bucket
she was rolling it on end around the bottom
and there was a black ring from her doing it so long
"oh, look, i have only one coin..."
by the hotel i was staying at
there was a raised freeway
and under it
the occasional homeless
two black boys wrapt in blankets
in the middle of the sidewalk
writhing a bit
as if they were caught in bad dreams
it was the middle of the day
and people would nearly step on them
and stop, startled,
adjust their paths
and walk around them.
the homeless are easily ignored no matter what
but they are very ballsy here!
as i was saying
we all make choices
and there are many differnt job positions here in the world
as your director or boss may have told you
"there are no small roles, only small actors"
"even the mail boy keeps the whole office working"
i like to think we~re all omnicient
and like to play the human game of being lost and confused
not knowing why things are happening
we~re not victims, none of us
so i like to say
but it still pisses me off...
i think i got ghonnorrea from sharing a water bottle with a friend in SF
i didn~t know it could be passed like this
but someone i gave a blow job to wrote me right after i got to brazil and said he had got it from me
i ignored it, really
thinking >> oh, he~s just blowing things out of purportion, some people are always getting infections and they think they are ghonnorea...<<
but i asked him if the doctors said so, just to be sure...
then i noticed more and more that my throat hurt and my ass hurt and my dick burned
and he did write back and said he was sure...
and had already had sex with a bunch of people
i had to write them all letters...
tail between my legs
i feel terrible, the harbinger of disease
and i don~t want to just go solve it quickly with a pill
i want to cure it with sun
and sage tea...
i want my body to identify it
and protect me from it
i~m in a strange culture now
with strange bacteria
and i~m travelling and tired
i~m sure i~m already pushing my immune system
and i want to keep having sex with the beautiful brazilians, but...
when i walk down the streets
i keep thinking i see dead dogs.
maybe it~s just the heat of the day
they lay there
i don~t even see them breathing
in the middle of the sidewalks
like they~re dead
but they musn~t be...
everyone just walks around them
they must be used to it now
it~s amazing what we can get used to.
i~m leaving the city.
i don~t know how.
i got some contact numbers from Chad, a traveller rainbow kid i met in italy last year
i~m waiting for the emails to respond
i~m trying to get the phones to be answerd
but sometimes no one pics up
and i sit on the corner sharpening a pencil on the cement
etching down my confused feelings in my little book...
now the sun is gone
and the night is almost here
time to be going
perhaps next time i write
i~ll have a tan.