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June 20th, 2005

gardening and gay life @ 02:59 am

Current Music: Intuition-Feist

i've done precious little since returning to NYC than masturbate

i'm trying to break the habit

but i feel it's tied intrinsically with my burgeoning anti-social character...

i had planned to do to very social things:
attend a ritual in central park for the solstice
and meet up with friends for "Folsom Street East"

Neither accomplished.

i woke up late

[didn't go to sleep til 3 last night...
the client i had got me stoned...
and i've been wanting to get stoned
it's been a while

it was very good for me
i praised Shiva
i went down christopher street
i could not go in the bar...
i lay on the lawn
and did yoga
so good for me
but i scared all the kids down there
.. i was a little freaked out: i was the only white kid there..

it took me a while to get back to the house
and when i did
Ganapati came over
and i made a neckalace for myself
we talked
and achieved another First for him
then i needed to pass out... anyway]

i lounged around
by the time i was ready to leave
it was already past 11
and this guy had been calling me
i just let him come over
skipped central park (it was over at 12)

then went to head up to the bronx
but decided to buy an iPod Shuffle first

it was a run-around
but i eventually succeded
and am now the proud owner of a Gig Fragment of my music collection.

i got to the garden about 3:40
and J had been there an hour
zhe had nearly finished the other wall on the rock bed i had started
... and had been weeding when i arrived
had to leave shortly after i got there

i found myself mean and critical... judgemental

of course
i didn't express it
just felt it, thought it.

when i was alone
i got down to work

fully aware
that if i didn't leave by 6pm
i'd miss the entire street fair

surely enough
N called me asking me where i was about a quarter to 6
and i just didn't didn't feel like going down..

i wanted to see him
but i didn't want to hang out among the leather guys and vendors...

i just can't right now
don't want to go to sex parties or bars or street fares or parades...

i'm feeling very cut off from gay culture
on that note
i've been having more male to male sex than i've probably every had in my life
i feel like i've been cumming two to three times a day
if not from sexual interaction
then from masturbation

-- frustrated
coz i don't want to masturbate: i want to co-create
and i'm not here in NYC to lock myself up in my room with a computer
to garden

i feel inept at relationships...

the gardening is so good for me

to heave
move the dirt
get my fingers cut up
in the dirt
tilling it with fingers
ripping shit up
making it peaceful
making it home
making it grow
taking care

grow grow!
seeing it grow.

very good.

and every time i'm up there working
many many people stop and comment on how great it looks
and talk to me about it
and wish they could help with me
love it
shower me with blessings of appreciation!

it's good.
it's good for me
it's good for the community.
it's good for the earth
it's good for the school
the kids
my friends
the plants...

i'm good for all this
and myself

i'm good.
it's good.

i'm really glad.

i'm leaving
i got to get to sleep
i'm leaving tomorrow morning
heading to Florida
flight 69
jet blue
to Orlando
well, what?

Celebration of Friends

cuddling with some known friends


surely days out at the beach
nude beach!
warm sea water
so blue


and hopefully a hike in the everglades
chasing gators
maybe find myself a husband of one of them
or an orchid
go live in a swamp
in a tree


but first: Sleep.
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[User Picture Icon]
Date:June 20th, 2005 07:13 am (UTC)
It will be grand to co create with you. I should give ou a call.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:June 20th, 2005 07:17 am (UTC)
you should.

i'll be back on the 29th
though busy that weekend

i would love to come visit you during July sometime
host you here
should you feel like you want to be in the city

can you host me at your place there?


i'm off to bed
[User Picture Icon]
Date:June 20th, 2005 10:51 am (UTC)
hey babe... Im on the road today when you are in the air
pulling a trailer to Missouri full of furniture and art
you have good beach time and clear out your mullygrubs
Date:June 20th, 2005 10:39 am (UTC)
You may need to find another city to explore relationships.Bring the good ones you have together on a regular basis.Count me in on the regular friend list.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:June 20th, 2005 01:21 pm (UTC)
the gardening is so good for me

to heave
move the dirt
get my fingers cut up
in the dirt
tilling it with fingers
ripping shit up
making it peaceful
making it home
making it grow
taking care

Nice...and it expresses where I'm at right now. Thank you.

By the way...the link doesn't work. :-(
[User Picture Icon]
Date:June 20th, 2005 01:43 pm (UTC)
thanks, n' you're Welcome.

and are you gardening as well right now?

-- i fixed the link too...
[User Picture Icon]
Date:June 20th, 2005 01:54 pm (UTC)
Yeah...I'm gardening but didn't realize it until I read your words.
The metaphor is perfect. Thank you.

As I wake I see I've been tending the garden of another. Yet it's my patch. So I'm digging, weeding and tearing out blackberry vines. It's strenuous, bloody and hard.

Turning the soil is good for the soul.

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