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March 17th, 2004

the long road home @ 11:26 am

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Date:March 21st, 2004 07:23 am (UTC)

Welcome back to the US

I enjoy reading your postings, but I find your life to be sadly depressing. I don't know you, but you seem empty most of the time, a traject object subject to the whims of others. Your living situation is as much a roller coaster as is your emotional state - neither supporting a sustainably healthy life. What will become of you, stranger, when you are no longer young and cute? Maybe you can grow a belly and hope for a lost soul in need to wander by...

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Date:March 21st, 2004 11:17 am (UTC)

Re: Welcome back to the US

i feel the same way
i have intentions to get myself grounded
it's scary now, though
i feel it
everytime i ask someone if i can stay with them
or they offer it to me
i recreate the same abusive patterns
and though i want to quit it
i don't know how

i imagine i could get a job and an apartment and just live like everyone else
but the idea of it just makes me sad.

yes, i am empty these days
i hope i will find a way to fill myself again
i don't want to be a hungry ghost plaguing the world..
all i can do is do my best.

and i have no illusion that this is a sustainable way to live
but for years it hasn't been so problematic
i know now that this stage is over
i have to give myself time to die. process. rebirth.
re-invent myself.
your comment about the belly, though..
whatever do you mean?

and where in the world are you?
do you have any of yourself out in the world for us to see?
Date:March 22nd, 2004 07:31 am (UTC)

Re: Welcome back to the US

I can't believe I've actually connected with you. The Internet is so amazing. Instantly I've entered the life I've been watching from a distance. Never ceases to amaze me. Of course, you do put yourself out there, don't you?

I'm in San Francisco. And, no, I have no presense in cyberspace, aside from occasional words here and there. I'll occasionally enter a comment or conversation. I don't even recall how I found you, but it was definitely through some of your pics. Your writing and your thoughts intrigued me, and your life has retained my attention. Your seeming carefree existence leads me to dream; but there seems to be a prison in your liberty. It makes me so sad to know that some of your experiences are an American's life. It conflicts with my idea of what American's can be. But, of course, we can be anything we so desire.

The belly comment was intended to suggest that you are not that different from some of those who take you in, eat you up, and spit you out. Lonely people who rape you of your energy because they generate none of their own. And, stranger, I'm not sure that you generate enough anymore for you AND them. What would your life be like if the power and peace you gain from yoga were mostly for you? It seems that it is all done as recuperation rather than personal regeneration.

At any rate, how presumptuous of me to toss bombs of reflection and advice at you. I don't know you, and my comments are largely unsolicited. However, your openness to the world - the healthy and destructive - touch us all. All of man. I can only hope that you are able to tear the beauty you offer us from the clutches of the deadly. You walk a fine line.

As much as I've thought of attempting a physical connection with you, I will never do that. I seek no personal gain from you, dear stranger.


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