dominicvineoftheowls (dominicvine) wrote,

the long road home

sorry to have kept you waiting

have been a bit

let me try and explain.


i got to the airport alright, i guess
the buss would not take me directly there
he left me by the side of a busy highway
pointed at a dirt path leading towards an institutional looking fence
and drove off

a sewage ditch
smoggy air
i was so happy i was almost home

i shouldered my bag and took off walking

passed tens of empty busses
many looking like they'd been there a long time
turned a corner
and there was another
everything looks old here, even when it's not
there was a man with a hammock attatched to the back-side door of his buss
the other end to a tree
he was maybe a foot off the ground
in a hammock much smaller than usual
and he was a stout man
oh god
suspended just over the cement
cradled by his career and the loving tree
his lips spilling over
his neck bulging under his chin

i wanted to eat him

but kept walking

asked a korean girl if i was at the right busstop and got the affirmitive
so waited
and danced
and streatched
and did pull ups
so happy i would be leaving this place again
not have to spend another night here ...

the bus came
i almost missed it
i flagged it down
put on the back pack
grabed the satchel
and the lap top
and ran for it

made it to the airport
and it took some walking around
but i found where i was meant to be
and tried my desire

"can you send me back to NYC?"
no no no no no no

i got one answer
then another
jossled around
i tried to play one guy to get it cheaper
then everything went fuct
this isn't america
they aren't afraid you're going to sue them
i was terrified
not only MUST i go to Miami
but i couldn't leave tonight
there were no seats of any fare
no way to change the ticket
i was gutted
i had to exchange one of my last three 100$bills into Reais to pay for the ticket

then i had to call someone and find a place to stay my last night in Sao Paulo

i was so sad.

of course
i couldn't reach anyone
and then i could
and their houses were filled

so i called Bonatelli
the italianish guy i had stayed with before going to Brasilia
who pissed me of with his sugar-life and ill communication and mother-destroyed spine
but i was desperate
had to take what i could get
and graciously
i accepted when he sayd YES and came to pick me up
i sat and waited for him, writing on the lap top about my experiences
excited to have the oppurtunity to write like this whenever i wanted and could
knowing i could post it to my journal later...

he arrived
of course, same situation
but i slept OK and got to the airport mostly on time
and had little to do
but get on the plane
and go.
oh, of course the standing in lines for passport control...
on the TV i noticed that the day i left
people came down from the Favellas and Rioted in Copacabana
set fires
machine guns
cops everywhere

i missed it by only a few hours...
hmmm, good luck, i guess

on the plane i slept kinda OK
watched a dumb nicholas cage movie called "Match Stick Men"
mwa mwa mwa, player player player
anything you do out of integrity is going to break eventually anyway
but it's just who you are
just living, just living...


flew over the amazon
HUGS muddy river
the plan was filled with gay canadians...
they all sounded like Rufus Wainwright
we laughed about this
and had some nice conversations
i became tired
and yearned for this stocky columbian boy

i finished reading "One Hundred Years of Solitude"
"but he did not finish reading the text because he understood just before his life ended that he would never happen again and this story would never be told again because races that are condemned to a hundred years of solitude are not given a second chance in this world"
in concurred
and wished i could sleep more
but never sleeping well
i landed in the United States
so happy to see all it's silliness
excited about checking out the swamps and seeing my uncle and sex with the sexy boys...
but first
i had to find out where i was sleeping tonight

Alfonso said i probably couldn't stay with him
there was this guy Jorge
who i really knew nothing about
and this guy Mark
who saw a picture of my ass on last year
and wrote many letters saying it was the most beautiful ass he had ever seen
(it was the picture Walter had taken, saying " you gotta see your ass... so you can know why men really love you")
and Mark and i would talk on the phone ever couple of days
him telling me about how mongomously orientied he was and how he wanted me to come live with him and work with him
and he would teach me all about mortages, etc..
and thought it was tempting
he sounded sexy and virile and worldly
being Peruvian and living many differnet places
affluent and intelligent and religeous...
so i call Mark
and he's all shocked to hear from me
but is
"oh, of course, yes, you can come stay... at least one night. yes.
but i have a boy friend and i'm in a wheelchair" and
What the fuck? but i'm in a hard place, i take what i can get.., right?

i get my own bed in a nook in the room
he introduces me to his boy friend
and i go to sleep

strange dreams
i woke up and typed them out on the lap top

then we went to his work
(i pushed him in his chair and drove his mercedes..)

he told me i could use his computer there to do my emailing and then we'd go to the beach
but no sooner had i sat down to use his lap top
was he asking me to run up stairs and make some copies
and i'm a helpful guy, so was glad to do it
but after the fifth time he asked me i was a bit miffed

had to keep logging off to plug the fax machine in
then the computer

eventually i'm tired of it
it's nearly five
and he's still fucking working
so went for a walk
down a canal
clearish water
the bottom littered with bicycles and shopping trolleys
that are un-edible
black boys staring at me like i'm a ghost
i tried to walk back another way
america. strip malls. boring terrible architecture
i got lost
found a strange book store
i remember typing a very long thing about this on the lap top

i was looking for another Gabriel Garcia Marquez book
or perhaps another copy of "AEgypt" by John Crowley
when i found "one hundred years of solitude" on the best-seller shelf at #7 and on Oprah's book club!
i was proud of that girl
best time in the world to get tons of americans reading that book, YEAH!

me.always ahead of fashion

i wander through the stacks while he's talking to some lady
and find a copy of "the heart is a lonely hunter" by carson mcCullers
some reason it sounds familiar
and the art work was the same person who'd done the cover of "Damien" by Hesse...
so i bring it up to the counter and then realize i forgot my wallet
the guy says
"it's only 2 fifty and you and i are the only ones here.. .just take it, i won't tell"
we laugh
i thank him
then i ask him about the books i was looking for
he points me some places
no show
so i go back up
and tell him a bit about crowley
and he launches into a long spiel about old ghost stories
and the original Conan the barbarian writer
and it's crazy
all of a sudden he's giving me this long indepth re-telling of a horror story
acting it out
being all dramatic
and i'm excited and enjoying it
but thinking -- i gotta go.. i'm lost and mark will be finished soon --
then he launches into another story
without giving me a chance to express my worries to him
and i find myself in a conundrum:

he gave me a gift
now i want to tell him to shut up
you know, pay attention to my needs and my life and stuff
and he's just bowling over me
but i don't feel like i can speak up
because it would be rude
and how often does this happen
that people are generous to me and then i don't stand up for myself and get bowled over out of some un-healthy politeness?

eventually he shuts the fuck up and i make a run for it
and find my way back to mark
and empty his piss bottle for him
and am like OK
let's go
and it's one thing and annother
and i'm happy to help, you know
run the western union
and get a smoothie
and it's nice and all
but the sun is going
and i want to get in the beach
i NEED to lay in the sun and the sea
i need release
and he's telling me he wants to fuck me
in the same breath as how loyal he is and how he'd never fuck around on his boyfriend
who he loves
and how he doesn't trust the mother fucker coz he's always lying and fucking around with girls
and i'm thinking
FUCK, what have i got myself into?

it's one thing
then another
we get back to his house
he's telling me strange things have been going missing
the lid to his expensive cooking ware
his boy friend's legal immigrant card
(he's columbian)
doesn't make any sense
and someone took the light out of the china cabinet
what the fuck?
he says it's probably his ex-boyfriend
i think it sounds more like faeries... but how do you say that?

he askes for a massage
so i work him over for 3 hours and i'm exhausted
i have been so damn tired
so tired
so so tired

i did get on line before the massage, though
i posted the first thing i had written on the lap top
and after the massage
before i went to sleep
he offered to take me down to miami to see the bars and the people at south beach
a friday night
but i told him i wasn't really in the mood
was just a little hungry
but the mexican place was closed
we went to denny's
and i felt like i was swimming in shit
and he's telling me he's going to fuck me when we get back to the house
and i send as many signals as i can
that that is NOT going to happen
and he gets it
and goes to sleep with his boyfriend.

i spent a few hours writing on the lap top
and fell asleep


so we planned to go to the beach
of course
it's one fucking thing
and then another
i'm driving him around
and pushing his fucking chair
and it comes to going back to his office to pick up a fax
and i'm like
'well, i didn't plug the fax machine back in, the last thing you told me to do was unplug it and i had already finished and plugged it back in... so i forgot to plug it in again after you told me to unplug it'
and i'm sure my psyche is a mess
i'm sure everyone around me can hear all my thoughts and feelings
and all last night and today i have been sitting next to this guy thinking
what and annoying fucking drip this guy is
and how i need to find another place to stay
and i think he's been hearing me
he is really pissed off about the fax
(and i'm sure that he didn't get to fuck me)
and suddenly freaks out
and he drops me off at the beach and tells me he's going to Key west with his boy friend and i say "right, so i need to find another place to stay tonight, right? ok, i'll be back at six"
and he's like "well, i'll be back between six and seven,, you should get there at six and wait for me-- we'll leave at 8"
and the day on the beach burns all that to dust

i mean
the water is MUCH cleaner than anywhere in brazil
it's beautiful
the sand is so nice
and it's a nude beach
so all these beautiful naked men
and it's florida
you know
retire-ees everywhere
i.e. big daddy bears
ohhh, i'm loving this
walking around talking to people
swimming in the beautiful water
laying in the gorgeous sun
nothing matteres
and i am filled with joy

i meet this guy i talked with on line last year in NYC named Paul
he lives down here during the winter
and his husband is visiting too-- Mark

i meet this really beautiful big bear from St. Louis named Courtland
and he's a Chaplin in a hospital
and isn't that always the way?
i love my cloths...

Paul loves Court too
so we are all on the blanket together
(after i return from talking to a beautiful man who was just about to leave)
and Paul and Mark tell me about the back pains they've been having
so i start doing yoga
and Mark asks if there is anything that might help his back
i start teaching him
and he's doing really well
learning fast
and putting great effort into it
after a while
Court joins in
and i'm so excited that they are both doing it and loving it
and even court
this big bear
is balancing on one foot!

Paul and Mark say we are welcome to come to dinner with them and then spend the night at their house
and i'm like "great, problem solved"
and we head over to Mark's to pick up my stuff
the number he gave me was wrong
(i.e.: i couldn't call him)
and he was not there.

he was not there.
it was six 30 and he was not there
wait til 7
i send Paul and Mark on their way
and Court and i wait

no, not there.
Mark is not there.

Court and i wander around town
looking for an internet terminal
i finally find one after 8 o'clock in a hotel lobby
and get Mark's real number out of my email
and he's like
"well, i felt like leaving earlier.. i don't have to wait for nobody who the fuck are you to tell me what to do with my life sorry you just need to come back tomorrow"


Court and i go back to the nude beach
lay in the moon light
and i'm excited
but then Court tells me that he's afraid of the cops
it's the full moon night!
it's beautiful
but Court is afraid of getting a blow job without a condomn
and i'm a bit exasperated
but it ends up me doing it anyway
and then he asks me if i have any diseases in my throat that i might have given him

here, audiance, is where i fuck up
i squirl out of it
tell him,
Oh, at this point, no, nothing for you to worry about.
but then tell him the whole ghonorrea story
and tell him he MIGHT have something to worry about
we'll see

it doesn't matter
coz at this point
i am SO sleep deprived
and sad
at the fact
he's taken me south on a bus towards where he's
and we're walking from hotel to hotel
only to hear that they are all booked up or well over 100$s
and sorry
i can't stay at Court's friend's house
so i'm just fucked
glad i got my towel and it's a warm night
Court keeps running into every hotel
i guess he's a glutton for the word NO
and i start to hate him
i'm so sad
i say
"i'm going to the beach"
he follows me, continues going into hotels
and i lay on the sand and look up at the moon
and he says
"oh, i'm so sorry. good night, here's 20 dollars"

i wrap the towel around my head
Adriano's towel
my head?
the moon is so bright
the waves sound lovely
it's fucking spring break
the beach is filled with drunk kids
and stoned kids
laughing kids
and mocking kids
they're talking about me
they start jumping over me
kicking sand


i get up and walk north a while
i notice some sand dunes
go into them
away from the wind
and the sight of people
i sleep
with my face buried in the sand.


(grr, i just noticed that i am not reporting happenings from early march of 2002, forgive my mistake... it's all happening now. 2004)

i wake
beautiful morning
gorgeous lavendars over the ocean
the blues
the calm waves
the beach awash with sea trash
many sea slugs
strange things big as yr head
black and nearly shapeless
when i touch them
little tenticles come out
then dissapear
i throw some of them back in the water
and then realize that there are just too many
and maybe they want to die
in the receeding tide
will they survive long enough to feel the tide come back in?
or just become sand...?

i have to give up
i walk on
towards the nude beach
see a squid
and lift him
the beautiful white irridecent
Pearly* skin
i throw him back in
more slugs
and tennishoes covered in barnicles

i collect some sponges for exfoliating myself later in the day
and a beautiful piece of red coral...

it's a long way home
but i make it to the nude beach
and lay down my towel
and jump in the water

so still
so calm
but the day is going to be warm
i can feel it
i am so excited
after just walking miles
to sleep in the rising sun
as the clouds break
but i start talking to this daddy bear first
and he's rubbing suntan lotion on me
and playing with my nipples
he's from Ohio
and he's black as a marshmellow left too long over the fire
with piercing blue eyes
he's sweet
but i'm exhausted
i nap only a bit
as the clouds clear
and the beach clutters
it's a satyrday now, right?
no, it's sunday
the beach is full
and there are SUCH beautiful people out here
i am floored
i am swimming
i am doing yoga
i meet these guys from Switzerland
and i'm in love
his long grey beard
and this other guy
who knows my friend Sebastian from Amsterdam!
and i'm in love with everyone
and swimming
and laying around
and there is Paul and Mark again
and they are sorry for not answering their phone
and not listening to the message
but i can stay with them tonight
and they'll be happy to take me back over to Mark's to get my stuff

it's the end of the day
so we go
and mark is being an asshole
but he let's me in to get my things
and guess what---
the faeries came again
this time they took my lap top
my mp3 player/camera/HD
and my leatherman
AS WELL as the bottle of pills i was taking from Joao de Deus

but they left all the cables for my mp3 player
so it is totally useless to them
nice to know they made trash out of it
and they left the lap top carrying case
which was sweet, i guess
i'm flipping out
and it takes all of my control not to throttle mark
who is just being a prick

my spirit is close to breaking

i take my stuff back out to the car
and tell Paul and Mark what happened
and they're all pissed off
and Paul offers to go beat the shit out of him
but we go

i want nothing but to sleep
but there is obligatory sex
and i'm sad
and exhaused
i sleep.


i wake and apparetly Mark has hardly slept
it was nice to be in a big fluffy bed between the two of them
but mark is in a lot of pain
i massaged him a bit last night
but it wasn't enough
i diagnose him with a flared Ciatica problem
and i give him some massage and offer suggestions of excersises he can do
then i walk out of the room to use the toilet
and check my email

i go back there over and hour later
and he's still doing the excercises
i do some more massage on him
and then we all head to the beach

another beautiful lovely day
etc etc

(my memory is very hazy at this point, i was so tired and so angry and sad that this time is kinda a blur--- Monday)

i know i went to see mark again
get the laptop case (which i just left there becuase he explained to me that his boy friend may have hidden it or some such bullshit)
and talk about insurance, etc..
i was despondant
i don't remember what we did that night
only that Mark was feeling much better
and had almost no pain at all
oh yeah-- great icecream at a place called Jackson's
and dinner at California Pizza...


in the morning
they were having sex
and i couldn't even try...
mark was leaving that day
and i was meeting with this guy AL
a client from NYC that i really like working on
his body is Beautiful to me
Italian guy
early 50's
but in really good shape
while still being a big chubby
nice and muscular
shaved head and face
sweet face...
great cock
you know, really likes to burry his cock in my throat
and he pays me for the full body massage

he's down here scuba-ing
and suggests we go to a bath house so i can give him a massage
though this sounds strange and kinda distracting to me
i'm into it
and we go

a few beautiful men, of course

i do yoga in the steam room
and this guy who reminds me of Daddy Rico from LA is staring at me
deep-set eyes
his fat uncut cock is just getting bigger and bigger as he watches me
and eventually the gravity of it pulls me to him
(Al gets up and kisses me and says he loves watching me... but he's too hot and is going to go shave)
so i'm sucking this guy's dick a bit
and then find Al again
and we go to give the massage

But Al says he wants his nipples to be a bit sore first
so i offer to do that to start
remembering my time with King Richard in London
(he worked my nipples for a few HOURS and left me with bloody stumps for a week after i got back to the US... back in 2002... ahhh)

Al is squirming
crying almost

"you really get off on hurting other people, don't you?"

i never do this kinda thing
but i am really good at it, aren't i?
and, yeah, i like it
but only because you asked me to...

so i'm dominating him
i'm holding him down
working his nipples with my mouth and teeth now
he's freaking out
i suck him and he explodes
his body shaking uncontrolably
i force him to ride the waves a few more minutes
then lay on top of him and my heart explodes
we fall asleep like that for over an hour...

i take a break
go for a walk
then come back to do the massage

the WHOLE TIME i am in love with him
i want to kiss every tender spot
touch every skin cell
worship his heart, and the curve of his belly
i adore him
he melts

when we finish
i lay on my back
and he says "are you meditating or something?"
paul had sayd the same thing last night
so i guess i was
Al left me to myself

i had amazing visions
feelings like being back in the Current in brazil
lit with colours
i lay there for a while til i felt i had to get up

and i went out

it was all for nought at first
there were a couple interesting guys
but the really hot ones i had found while i was still obligated to Al had all left
but there was this incredibly gorgeous black man
and beautiful face
we played tag
til we were finally both IT
and he lifts me up and out of myself and back into myself
and it's pretty amazing
but the loud speaker system announces Al is ready to go
so i kiss mr Todd and am out the door

back to Paul's
very tired
fall asleep...

and that's all for now...
i'll have to continue from there the next moment i get a chance to write
feel caught up in myself..

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