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November 7th, 1998

Fridaynightinmichigan @ 01:34 pm

From: scoobear
Subject: Fridaynightinmichigan
Date: November 7, 1998 1:29:22 PM CST



I wonder how everything has become
so complicated and distressed
I wonder about things that
need no worry
for there is nothing that can
be controlled
only dealing with what is

I think about things
that have no meaning
or is it that they just
have no meaning to me
anymore

I just spent an evening with a view of my past
a view of what my future could be
and a view of acceptance of unhappiness
and it scared the hell out of me
for if I'm not careful it could be me
and don't ever want that to happen

A wonderful man
in a screwed up life
with all the things that should
make him so happy
but instead
is sad and miserable
has no concept anymore
of what it is like to
enjoy life.

Trapped in a world of corporations
never wanting to be there
Longing for the past
(but denying it)
Buying toys,
computers
crystal
china
having Cars bought for him
Like a new BMW sports car
that he named Baby
finding joy in these things
and not being able to accept
that he truly is a sweet
and loving man

Nice house on a lake,
is a dump to him
as the 18x32 foot pit group won't fit
Moving from the big house of the past
and into the life of the present
with the past always right behind him
trying to cling
but trying to end.

Thinking that life
is no more than this
things
things
things
and that people are
there when he needs them
to fulfill the empty feeling
that is there when his lover
lies next to him and wont touch him

Loud fights, cruel words, no apologies
Two people living in a single world
that neither can make into their own.
standing in opposite corners
of a boxing ring
round one
two
three
Always punching
at least
then you feel something
and something is better than nothing.

Trying to explain friendship
caring and loving
only cold puzzled blank spheres
stare back
Begging
pleading
asking why would you
and if you did would you leave
would you hurt me
would you hold me

We went for a walk around the lake
Icy chill blowing thru us
sitting on the dock
holding each other
I listened to stories of pain
rejection and life as he lives it
Why does he stay?
Why do they both stay?

Caring for someone has to be something
Given... not asked for right? Or am I wrong.
As I tried to explain this to him
saw his eyes empty, fill with tears
He says that he cares but the lover doesn't
That he will make it work
when he knows that it wont
for the first time in many years he is
the main breadwinner in the house,
for the first time in his life
He is in control,
but he isn't
He is just controlling and holding on
to an existences, not a life

They exist but don't feel
party hard on the weekend
then come home and don't talk
lie in bed looking at the freshly painted ceiling,
the same one I was looking at feeling warmth and contentment
He says they pretend to be asleep
knowing that they are both awake
so they don't have to talk or acknowledge
that neither is happy
neither is content
neither is really there

Maybe it is true
Misery loves company...
But company that is miserable
mean and spiteful
is only misery.

talk about vacations
hotel rooms that are house payments
sports cars... and discontent
this is my World?

We went to a little Restaurant,
The Hightway Inn,
now for you that don't know the midwest
(or don't want to admit it, which is understandable)
Small towns here seem to have bread something out of people
some anyway, they have very blank eyes that seem to brighten when they hear
the word FIGHT!... they talk of tractors, of cows or high school football
game from years in the past, things so distant that if you dont talk about
it often everyone will forget that touchdown you made 10 yrs ago that
brought everyone to their feet and won the game, a life that is totally
alien to me... The women wear tight ill fitting clothes from the seventies
that hang over bulges of flesh as only double knit can and the men lear
from behind their tobacco stained teeth, talking of the last wreck they
were in or of near misses and making passes at the waitress while their
wives and kids sit there and say nothing stare at their food eating
contently. Are they happy in their world or do the know nothing more than
the world they live in.

It is deer season here, and the patrons of the Restaurant were a mixture of
hunters and hunted. And I was begining to feel like bambi. A big
waitress with a smile and a slap on the back, for anyone who made her
laugh, bounces over. She is nice but has the look of someone who is
resigned to be in this place and time forever. And you know she probably
will.
She smiles, and I notice a tooth missing, and a fading bruise under her
right eye, Those eyes, they send a chill thru me, they are so sad, even tho
the smile is their... she looked out the window at the sports car, and
smiles..." your car?"
I shake my head, she looks at my friend and he shakes his head. "damn nice
little car there, bet it moves like a bat out of hell" I realize looking
and listening to her that she seems to have a southern accent, which is
strange for michigan... or at least the michigan I am in most the time. So
I ask her, and then the reply explained it all and then some. "No hun,
I've lived here all my life, cept for a short time I lived in Angola with
my third husband, who was my first husbands brother...." And suddenly I
was whirling thru her whole life, married 5 times, gonna leave this town
someday and no good old boy was gonna keep her from seing the world... She
knew she was lying but we both smile and laughed with her... And
understand what has happened
I AM ON THE INDIANA MICHIGAN BOARDER...and have inadvertently wandered into
the world of the mich hoosiers... This may not panic some of you for you
really have to experience Indiana and michigan first but together, and
years of inbreeding in these small rual communities, the result is
something out of a Felini movie.

We ate got in my friends new sports car and drove back into the
night....not saying a word for a few minutes then begining to laugh,
knowing that maybe it was the booze or the bud, but we had experienced
something, what we were not sure, and I am still having mixed feelings
about the whole experience, but I know I am alive and survive and must find
someplace where your brother is not also you father.

So tell me everyone... How was your friday night...

Ya hey D. am on my way to lansing for Thai Food...and an evening at the
theater, their is a Russian Opera Company doing a program tonight... then
to a Country Western Drag Show, and dancing. They somehow really don't
seem to go together but will make for an interesting night, or as close as
it gets in michigan...

Hugs everyone, nice to meet you all



Here's my webpage!
http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Heights/4062/
Hugs
 
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