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November 4th, 1998

Re: less than a cheerleader, more than an answer @ 11:13 am

From: horsestorideon@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: less than a cheerleader, more than an answer
Date: November 4, 1998 11:13:14 AM PST
To: exit2k@hotmail.com
Cc: afw10@columbia.edu, mrvisible@worldnet.att.net, sowinski@inetdirect.net, sejohnst@midway.uchicago.edu, shorning@willamette.edu, gbrennan@willamette.edu, emcgarry@willamette.edu, gdelling@willamette.edu, and 20 more…

eli, i feel like i've answered all this shit before...
maybe i'm getting old and making excuses as my mind goes
maybe i'm just trying to escape this one
but what do you need to know?
why?
why.
i don't know WHY
..
not on this one.
i don't think it's particularily useful..
i can tell you a story...
here goes

once i met this guy i never met
we still didn't meet
and it took a long time

but then we met
and when we met we were really glad we'd met
but i had to leave.

i'm sure i didn't really have to leave or anything
but i'd decided to
[i think all of you know about that]
so i left and me and this man kept meeting like this
very partially
and it was a different game with different rules
and there were many things we couldn't say
and somethings we just didn't know how to
and we made up a little plan
and we tried to follow it out
but
you know
things happen
and lives cave in
and when the dust clears
it's empty.
[phew]
which is great
but harsh at times.
so, great but harsh, right...
and "if i asked you for something"
the whole point of the game was to follow the rules
by not being able to see or touch or say anything all that important to
eachother about what we thought about eachother
but to talk about ourselves to eachother
in such a way
the other might learn something about us

ground work
"HEy, leave the light on
just in case
so i can remember where you come from"
see
can you grab my tail?
can i take you for walk?

here: we'll tour the folds.
if you have five seconds to spare
this is the story of my life
[et cetra]

if i give you everything will you still smile at me?
oh,
will it make you smile more?

i just had this conversation in the real world
'when you lose respect for someone you begin to see them as they really are
then they're just a person
and you can deal with them a lot better'
i'm sure you remember, i was on the phone with you,
angel.

are you looking for an answer? you couldn't be so foolish.
but if you were, why would you be looking to everyone except the one who
knows you best? it's an old trick, and i'll pull it again.
why don't you ever read anything you write?

why don't you follow your own damned advice?

,pause,
i'm looking for an echo
each little rock has its own face, yeah?
i'm listening to the wind.
now, then there's me...
yeah
i suppose i could read it
i suppose i should
but it's so new
it's so close to me
if read it right now
it won't make any sense
and i'll want to change it
and i don't want to do that

you are far enough away from it so you can get a perspective
maybe it doesn't make any sense to you either
but maybe it can.



You seem scared. It seems like, if you don't do it fast and hard and
all the time you'll stop and you'll never do it again, never anything,
nowhere. It seems like that's stupid, and you've made us your familiars
in a black magic spell
I'm a rat can type.
You're a rat can type.

yeah.
i feel like if i don't do it i won't do it
i need to do something
and i don't know what to do
look
i'm a kid
i'm just exploring
it's what kids do
just stupid kids, exploring.


Do you exist when no one is looking?
Do you exist when less than forty people are looking?
How did you make the list? Do you know if anyone is enjoying it?

well, i haven't been able to close my eyes all the way yet
so i'm always looking
and i can't give you an answer beyond that, mr question.

i made the list by time
my thought an action
every person on here has either seen me or touched me or made me want to try

they've all given me life
if only once
if only sparse...
it means a lot to me
if only a so small
i'm still small
maybe i need all of these people to keep from disappearing...
you know i'm trying to stay around, eli...
i'm trying.

and you know some of them are enjoying it
and it's there: so criticize.




This is public speaking. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to ask
you all why we are here, who you are, what I'm doing here, and why we
don't all leave. I'm been very ill for a few days, so I'm shaking a
little and I think I need to go back to bed, or at least eat breakfast.
Thank you for your time.

Mr. Eli, signing off.

this is a very kind guesture, eli
but do you really think they'll respond?
this tactic has never worked for me...
but i guess one can always try.
 
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