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November 2nd, 1998

less than a cheerleader, more than an answer @ 12:25 pm

From: exit2k@hotmail.com
Subject: less than a cheerleader, more than an answer
Date: November 4, 1998 12:25:18 PM EST
To: afw10@columbia.edu, mrvisible@worldnet.att.net, sowinski@inetdirect.net, sejohnst@midway.uchicago.edu, shorning@willamette.edu, gbrennan@willamette.edu, emcgarry@willamette.edu, gdelling@willamette.edu, and 21 more…

and i Wish i had that many nouns! but, alas,
practice makes perfect, and someday my verbs will add up to something.
i think they're up to something.

i think now, even, when no one is looking.

so i have a question --
Excuse me. I have a question.

I don't understand. Why.
I've never understood why, but I came my own answer and it stuck,
you know, sticky and all [giggle]
and I kept it till it dried. I had to admit
with the lack of babies
that my answer was mine and I
don't understand.

feeling weak, maybe queasy,
early morning,
still ill.
but bearing with me ...

So I don't understand.
I'm on a list of names and addresses, a list which has been given to me.
This list, were it to get into the wrong hands ...

We could all be killed.
We could all be written to.
We could all be remembered, later, when it's over and we are ashamed.
Black list.
Good list.
Santa's list.
Chimney: :
: :
: :
: WHY :
: ARE :
: YOU :
:DOING:
:THIS?:
:""""":

if you leave the fire on at night santa dies.

You send a message in a bottle:
No.
You send a bunch of messages in a bunch of bottles:
No.
You send the same message in forty different bottles, one for every name
you tried on and it didn't fit and you ended up on the desert i--
No:
You send all our names in the bottle, and then you don't send it. You
make magic.
You conjure us into your bottle, green genie grey, and we dance for your
delight. Forty days and forty nights he wandered in the desert, and the
devil tempted him and he refused. We surround you.

This is what I really see.

You brought us all together. Reply All you said. You brought us all
here for the purpose of watching you. We have booths. We can't see
each other unless we speak to you. It's a complicated multimedia
installation. It would be a community except it's like the spokes of a
wheel and you maybe didn't mean to be the hub but it's important that
you pay attention to little
details
like that and not get carried away and think that oh
i know them all
they should know each other
cuz we don't, even if we all think we're pretty.

This is public speaking. I'd like to thank you all for coming out
tonight, in honor of our hub, Dominic. Dominic, come on out! Everyone,
let's have a big round of applause for our Dominic! Yay!

and he stumbles out onto the stage, half-drunk, eyes rolling wildly. he
can barely walk, he trips on himself, he can't speak. he gesticulates
wildly, inbetween trying to wipe something sticky off his chin. he
isn't afraid, he isn't ashamed. he just has no idea what to say except
everything and that would take so long.

but we wait, we're patient.

we surround you, in a circle, and we approve. you twitch and stumble,
gag and scream, and we approve.

We all love you, Dominic. We always will.

we approve, you gain approval. you continue struggling, and eventually,
on the strength of our approval your confidence rises and rises, you
start dancing, you're amazing, we clap again, a miracle has taken place,
you save the world, etc. THE END

except it probably wont happen that way, and I don't know why there is a
list. I don't know why you brought us all together, and I'd like to
think it's not for approval, but then I'm so confused because what's it
for. Just eyes? Understanding?

Anyone can watch.
No one will ever understand.

are you looking for an answer? you couldn't be so foolish.
but if you were, why would you be looking to everyone except the one who
knows you best? it's an old trick, and i'll pull it again.
why don't you ever read anything you write?

why don't you follow your own damned advice?

You seem scared. It seems like, if you don't do it fast and hard and
all the time you'll stop and you'll never do it again, never anything,
nowhere. It seems like that's stupid, and you've made us your familiars
in a black magic spell
I'm a rat can type.
You're a rat can type.

i had a dream about white rats last night they were bigger than our cat
they were from need you tonight they were named plague


Do you exist when no one is looking?
Do you exist when less than forty people are looking?
How did you make the list? Do you know if anyone is enjoying it?

I'm enjoying it. But I can't help but criticize.

This is public speaking. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to ask
you all why we are here, who you are, what I'm doing here, and why we
don't all leave. I'm been very ill for a few days, so I'm shaking a
little and I think I need to go back to bed, or at least eat breakfast.
Thank you for your time.


Mr. Eli, signing off.
 
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