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Vertical Prose


May 30th, 2005

sludging through the second-month slush @ 03:50 am

Current Music: 12-Cynthia mask-Robyn Hitchcock-Moments

i..


am..


Living...


HERE.

all around me is terrifying darkness
shuddering puddles
loud noises
and deafening silence


on the defensive
i have my claws out
my teeth are already bloody...

but i'm sure it's just from biting myself



When ever i have Lived anywhere
i fall into deep sadness

the big mistake has always been that i have lived with someone
in that "lover" kinda way
someone to blame for all of my feelings
and project all of my shit onto

i was smarter this time.

in fact
when i decided i loved some one last time
and wanted to love them
i chose NOT to live with them...
even though they would have let me.

smarter i am.


Curiosity:
not being able to articulate anything
doesn't mean you're dumb, does it?


articulation=
dexterity=
intelligence?


oops!

staying in one place
i cannot run away
from this deep well of sadness

what's so sad, huh?

oh, just everything
the way i love...
the way i tie my shoes...
the way i treat myself
my fears
the walls...

Existence!
politcs
television

idon'tremember

my friend West once told me
(back in '99)
that if i stopped running long enough
sat by a river
listened
and drowned in my saddness
i'd realize it wasn't an endless black pit
but a little puddle

but
ge-golly
it sure is scary from here

i've been here just two months now
and a few days.

i turn 27 on wednesday
saturn return starts july 17th

here i am!
SAD!

i'm smart
i'm not taking it out on anyone
even though it is my habit
i don't believe it
so i'm keeping my shit to myself..


that is
unless
of course
you're checking your friend's list at four a.m.
and drift through this drivel...
 
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Comments

 
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From:clarkelane
Date:May 30th, 2005 10:13 am (UTC)
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oooooo... Saturn return.... good luck with that.

happy birthday!
From:uneasytruce
Date:May 30th, 2005 01:32 pm (UTC)
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Bless you. I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

A secret, all the flowers in the forest know: Bloom where you are planted.

[User Picture Icon]
From:dennisatl
Date:May 30th, 2005 05:29 pm (UTC)
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don't smell like no drivel on the bottom of MY shoes
more like some 4a.m. joneses done jumped your bones(es)
but good-god-man!
only 26 almost 27? damn!
I didn't even know enough to be scared by then
you're way ahead of the pack...
maybe that's who you think is chasing you?
nah! you're just the fore runner...
(W/ apologies to Satchel Paige & John the Baptist)
love you madly

[User Picture Icon]
From:beastbriskett
Date:May 30th, 2005 07:59 pm (UTC)
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Even the brightest of landscapes has darkness sweep across them. You perceive a lot more than the average bear, and feel strongly. It's only natural that the downers are strong, too.
Head's up--this won't last. Try to draw strength from the buzz about you. Running with shields on all the time is a waste of energy. Learn to surf the tides, and try to find a few roots to anchor you. Draw solace and strength from friends who care about you.
There's a lot of them, ya know.
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From:laura_collins
Date:May 30th, 2005 10:24 pm (UTC)
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I am sorry you are troubled...

However, your emotion is inspiring. I couldn't say how. I hope that things are better for you in short order, and that your passion can be a satisfied one.

Namaste.

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