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February 26th, 2004

(while lost in the fog, he murmers) @ 03:11 pm

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Date:February 27th, 2004 01:04 am (UTC)
Okay, Dominic... answer me this... How come I push away from you even though I love you so much. I mean it's been happening ever since that night we listened to the taped version of _Mod Fuck Explosion_ on our way up the Oak Creek Canyon from Sedona to Flagstaff. I think about that time often.
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Date:February 27th, 2004 05:58 am (UTC)

fighting love

Riddle me this...
Everytime i spend a week or more with a lover it turns into a fight.
why, charles?
i cannot answer truthfully
but only speculate.

i think i tried to express it in one of my previous posts
but i feel like i was raised with love that is Hate.
that is...
my mother loves my father
but that mostly entails is hating him
and staying with him
every comment made is about how much of a fucking asshole he is
every action with him is how to be with him WITHOUT interraction
thus, to avoid any altercation.

it is all a war
there are temporary peace treaties made
but whenever the two sides touch
they spark again

my mother`s side in this is that she is terrified of being on her own
and wants to believe in love
that is, she is a prisoner to him
because she could not live without him
(we'll say "finacially")
yet does not even get what she needs from him!

my father hates himself
and hides from him self all of his emotions
because of this
he is terrified of love
for if he actually feels something
then he will have to feel everything he has been hiding
and he cannot risk that
so he is kindly cruel to all those who love him
in an attempt to really Love
yet keep himself "safe"

i give these two examples because whenever i visit them or spend time with them
i realize that i do the same thing as both of them
but in and of my self AND with everyone i love.

i was really excited that i hadn't copied this pattern out with Leo, my friend in the mountains north of SF
but as soon as we decided that we WOULD be lovers
it started.

i can only imagine that you feel these flows around me
like someone would feel the currents in an ocean
not to be caught in any nasty undertow
you avoid it.

you see the beauty and intelligence in me
perhaps respect and admire it
you see me dealing with dark forces
perhaps respect and admire it
but also see how i am not exactly deft with my skills
and taking on too much
and not able to put it down
and your higher wisdom says
"let's not crash and burn with that one, ok?"

and not that i ask this from you
but since i was 12
sitting in church
secretly begging
in my heart
for any of the randomn families i fixaded on that day
to take me home
and give me love
i have been wanting a new father
and new mother
who are not inept with their emotions and thoughts and actions
but that are so skilled they could not only set a good example
but correct me in my faults
and provide a safe space for me to work out the kinks i was born in

but, as i said at the end of this post

it's good to want things, eh?

apparently God likes the adage of
"Stay Hungry"

keeps 'em moving...

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