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February 26th, 2004

(while lost in the fog, he murmers) @ 03:11 pm

i often feel that what is really important
what i really mean to say
isn't being said

i never get around to typing it
through all the bullshit i am confused in

i wanted to write a long piece about how i once discovered that i would stop writing because it made me sad
that i wrote myself stupid scenarios
that i would never say to a real person
coz they would be bored out of their minds
so i had a little box to put all my sorrows in
that i would carry around
and read from time to time
(now on display for you)

then i remembered that at that time
i didn't understand
that i was writing to myself in my secret dialogue
pandering to my weakest and darkest feeling

since then i do my best to balance the feelings expressed
how important it is to be with the darkness
and the light

-- we forget things --

Journal, so right
i went out to the forest yesterday with a friend
and we sang songs together
he told me he had read about himself in my journal
i wondered what i said...

'did i talk about you dancing?'
"you mentioned me as the boy who likes to kiss while he's dancing"
'but did i talk about you with your arms over your head?'
"no, i don't thinks so..."

he danced
that night
with his arms over his head
his fists together
a big smile on his face
like he was holding up the sky
or shaking his booty with the mountains
and pretending to be a tree

i can't describe how happy it made me to see
and we kissed a lot too
through all the sweat
and disco beats

'did i say anything about how you said you wanted it always to be shocking?'
"i don't remember"

he talked about
oh yes, i remember now, i did write about this already..

we were in the forest
and we were out there to walk in the trees
i talked about it
and we were out there to fulfil the pleasure of having sex in the forest
(people walking by, us hiding in the bushes)

(hiding? kinda...)

we found a spot that was gaurded by Sacred Trash

that is,
one of the folk religeons here worships out in nature
at the rivers and waterfalls
they do nice little rituals
the unfortunate side effect of these rituals
is they leave trash in the spirit for the spirits (or something)
bowls of water (gaurding the path we took)
boxes of matches, opened..
in spaces where the fallen leaves were cleared away
flower arrangements
melted candles everywhere...

very nice
we both agreed that nature would probably prefer not to be cluttered with these things though
still, sacred sex in a sacred spot

but i have to admit
i was having trouble
(ohhh, public forum)

he insisted on using condomns
and surrounded by all those trees
it just made me feel bad
condomns make me feel bad anywhere
part of my mission includes
when i have sex with someone and they require condomns
i usually remind them
that if they don't feel comfortable about something, they shouldn't do it
and that sex is so many more things than fucking

especially out in nature like that
i got to feeling very scared and worried and annoyed
and eventually found it even difficult to kiss or be cuddly
--everything is bringing up insecurities

we left the forest as night was falling
and went into a mall
to get some chocolate
(brazil has amazing fruit... hard as hell to find good chocolate.. by my taste, i have found none yet.)
instead, he introduced me to some local cuisine
little sweet balls of caramel that almost tasted like butterscotch covered with little chocolate sprinkles
and then some fast food...

we then went to a movie
not that i knew anything about it
nor had any interest in it
but mainly that it had Nicole Kidman in it
and i had just seen her in DOGVILLE and been very affected by it.

it's a love story, takes place during the american "Civil War"

blah blah blah
lots of death, terror, torture
the film kinda bothered me in that it relied on SO many Clichés...
but then i remembered why people use clichés...
they are logically the quickest way to get the emotion across
and it made me feel better thinking of Eli's scripts i've read
which have all bothered me for the same reason
but i think now he is just trying to use the tools of his trade as best he can
where i feel it should all be done with strange new confusing clichés... that won't win me any awards, will it?

stesachoros against homer..

point is
the story kinda culminates with this message
(anagalous to DOGVILLE, but different)
"the world is filled with terror. love something. and keep living"
bringing in the whole idea of "love" again
where as dogville was more about compassion..
BUT: Purification. and keep on living.

and keep on living.

always a mystery to me why
but on we go and on we go
buying in stories and ....


here i am in Rio
and it is dark and grey and rainy
feeling like a fool for not being able to speak any portugese
feeling alien
not wanting to be at this house anymore
not wanting to really be anywhere

both of those movies i just mentioned made me not want to have sex for a long time
(one because of the rape aspect of it, the other because of the real sacredness of keeping it just for love... a concept that is alien to me... but in my romantic ideals... which i hardly ever acess..)
watching movies must be a safe space for me to feel
always has been
and my heart opens up
i almost always come out of films overwhelmed by pain and sadness
until enough conversation has put my brain back in the driver's seat and stifled it til next time

but i really want to deal with it.

so what does that entail?
do throw in the hat?
once again: confusion.

severe unhappiness on levels i won't even go into
but the fact that i don't feel i can be loving in situations where beautiful loving people are offering me love
is always frustrating
coupled with re-curring examples of past-manifestations of bad sex and akward situations
i feel like running and hiding
of course
there is no where to hide
and i don't know what to do to clear this muck out of my mind and heart so i can start creating a bright new future...

Hugo and i discussed it at the buss-stop
(my understanding of) his idea
that the world is not to be saved or even helped
but that it is in preparation for the next world
a better world
a type of honing
before stepping into that place...

i just read a discussion topic on Dogville
and it made me feel, yet again, moraly abject
how is it that i lack these simple virtues that i percieve most other humans as having?
a base moral understanding...
a working connection with Emotions (well, that is actually quite rare, but i feel it shouldn't be)

i want to be a benevolent god
i want other people to come into my life with love and friendship
as i want to visit theirs in the same

but hey
it is good to want things
i guess i am going to get back to trying to figure out where my next food goes

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[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 27th, 2004 01:04 am (UTC)
Okay, Dominic... answer me this... How come I push away from you even though I love you so much. I mean it's been happening ever since that night we listened to the taped version of _Mod Fuck Explosion_ on our way up the Oak Creek Canyon from Sedona to Flagstaff. I think about that time often.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 27th, 2004 05:58 am (UTC)

fighting love

Riddle me this...
Everytime i spend a week or more with a lover it turns into a fight.
why, charles?
i cannot answer truthfully
but only speculate.

i think i tried to express it in one of my previous posts
but i feel like i was raised with love that is Hate.
that is...
my mother loves my father
but that mostly entails is hating him
and staying with him
every comment made is about how much of a fucking asshole he is
every action with him is how to be with him WITHOUT interraction
thus, to avoid any altercation.

it is all a war
there are temporary peace treaties made
but whenever the two sides touch
they spark again

my mother`s side in this is that she is terrified of being on her own
and wants to believe in love
that is, she is a prisoner to him
because she could not live without him
(we'll say "finacially")
yet does not even get what she needs from him!

my father hates himself
and hides from him self all of his emotions
because of this
he is terrified of love
for if he actually feels something
then he will have to feel everything he has been hiding
and he cannot risk that
so he is kindly cruel to all those who love him
in an attempt to really Love
yet keep himself "safe"

i give these two examples because whenever i visit them or spend time with them
i realize that i do the same thing as both of them
but in and of my self AND with everyone i love.

i was really excited that i hadn't copied this pattern out with Leo, my friend in the mountains north of SF
but as soon as we decided that we WOULD be lovers
it started.

i can only imagine that you feel these flows around me
like someone would feel the currents in an ocean
not to be caught in any nasty undertow
you avoid it.

you see the beauty and intelligence in me
perhaps respect and admire it
you see me dealing with dark forces
perhaps respect and admire it
but also see how i am not exactly deft with my skills
and taking on too much
and not able to put it down
and your higher wisdom says
"let's not crash and burn with that one, ok?"

and not that i ask this from you
but since i was 12
sitting in church
secretly begging
in my heart
for any of the randomn families i fixaded on that day
to take me home
and give me love
i have been wanting a new father
and new mother
who are not inept with their emotions and thoughts and actions
but that are so skilled they could not only set a good example
but correct me in my faults
and provide a safe space for me to work out the kinks i was born in

but, as i said at the end of this post

it's good to want things, eh?

apparently God likes the adage of
"Stay Hungry"

keeps 'em moving...
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 27th, 2004 01:07 am (UTC)
and condoms too... I don't think .. well never mind.. you're too important to seal up in polypropylene...
Date:February 27th, 2004 10:38 pm (UTC)
Muito obrigado for the opportunity to see some of what this wondrous world looks like through your eyes.

May you be full of loving-kindness.
May you be well.
May you be peaceful and at ease.
May you be happy.
May you come back safely again.

You are already a benevolent deity: just realize it and live it with us.

Date:February 28th, 2004 03:51 pm (UTC)


Thanks so much for the precious information found here about Adriano.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 28th, 2004 09:42 pm (UTC)

Re: Adriano

hey, is this really Adriano?
and there was nothing in this post about Adriano
but in past ones...
you obviously weren't interested in me enough as a real person to have read this journal before now
so i am curious
-- who told you?

having recently read through some of my friends' posts
and seen all the drama incited in them
i got a little paranoid
but felt it was still important for me to express myself as clearly as possible
pushing through my emotional confusions

sorry if i have upset you, Adriano
but then,
i believe it is good to upset things sometimes. . .

Date:February 29th, 2004 10:54 am (UTC)

Re: Adriano

Don't you worry. This is not Adriano. And I don't think he will ever read this.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 29th, 2004 05:50 pm (UTC)

Re: Adriano

Oh, now this is even stranger
i thought about it all day
thinking adriano had become bitter

he, as a charecter, is such a good companion for me
we are both fucked up in similar ways
both pretty open
and ruled by our passions

i like adriano
but in an unhealthy way, i think
and i have already decided a few times not to see him again
and have
not to talk with him again
and i have

weak spine

but it's ok.
you can remain anonymous if you like
but tell me a little about you

are you in brazil?
do you know Adriano in person
or just through my writing about him?

you don't need to identify yourself
but i do ask you to give me your context
Date:February 29th, 2004 06:37 pm (UTC)

Re: Adriano

All I can say is that "Trouble Loves Me" from Morrissey seems to be written for me. Sometimes I feel I could be an Edna St. Vincent Millay's poem. Now I want to forget myself, like Lou Reed's "Perfect day".
Life could be a melody, couldn't it?
Take care and enjoy this beautiful country of mine. You have so many beautiful things to see. Enjoy it.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 29th, 2004 07:39 pm (UTC)

Re: Adriano

i don't know if i will see any beauty here
i feel like it is over
that i am leaving soon
and this was just my brazil experience for now
not brazil's fault
just where i am
need to be home
take care of myself

i don't remember Trouble Loves me...
it must be too new..
but have been singing "Perfect Day" to myself
(for far too long)

thank you
i look forward to the beauty

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