new moon @ 01:42 pm
the drive up wasn't too bad
we made it in a little over eleven hours
we were supposed to leave around 1
there were troubles with the car that took W out to get the car
so we didn't end up leaving til about 6 (east coast time)
i didn't feel comfortable sleeping while W drove
he didn't sleep much
it was an all nighter
so i drove 6 hours
then let him take over
(after a terrible meal at "Shoney's")
somewhere around 3 am
i ate some dunkin' donuts
-- i don't know what was wrong with me
back-lash from being on the mountain...
as the sugar and hydrogenated oil settled into my system
i literally felt what i've heard about white sugar needing to steal nutrients to be processed
-- i suddenly felt like burnt cardboard
and everything circling round my brain and coming out of my mouth became judgemental and Mean
(i'll spare the details)
we arrived in Philly at about 7 am
i did some email
and crashed out
woke around 1am
and made plans for the day...
i had about 10 people who wanted massages from me
but they all seemed reticent now that i was here..
so i headed off to meet a couple i'd talked with last year, but not met
a man in his late 50s, and one in his late 70's..
on the way out of the house
i broke the $30 bottle of everclear i had bought in TN to make tinctures with
tired and stupid...
alchol evaporating off my feet and the sidewalk
i looked around houses out there on 49th and Larchwood
the porches looked like they'd been hit by an earthquake
-- this is a part of town i've never been in before
but i still feel like philly is a city in miniature...
i went from there to a house on the 29th floor in down town philly
the two men were interesting
and i found myself explaining my appearance like this:
i grew up in a very blue collar family
-- we all wanted to be the upper classes... and were not
i tried desperately to be well read, know music... and wines... and which fork to use
in my late teens
i lived in the desert
and found that i was happiest in nature
and let go of all of these pretentions
and settled into my animal nature
( i didn't talk about LSD or existential breakdowns )
and now i have a much better balance on it: doing my best to be what i am...
we had various conversations about various things
the older man was raised in china
and the two have been together for over 35 years
they have travelled and lived many different places
so the conversations were about many different places
ways of being
kind of in a flaunting way...
but they were curious
like a currency
i had plenty to contribute
but it still seemed odd
to just talk about life in an almost detatched way
--- as if it were all over...
the older man told me as soon as i walked in the door he was looking for a replacement so his husband wouldn't be alone
and he could will all his STUFF to someone...
dinner at a chinese restaurant
leaving tons of left overs
then quiet sex in the dark
all seeming like a play... or ritual
three ways with lovers who have been together over 30 years can be amazing
they gave me my own bed to sleep in, though
and i had many dreams about trying to find missing things...
today: i haven't lined up any massage clients
i feel frustrated
i have a few for tomorrow
but i just want to go home
i guess there is always another time.