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Vertical Prose

March 19th, 2005

Cheer-leaders for Pain! @ 07:48 pm

Leo took me over to some parishioners' house last night
both of them are kindergarden teachers...
their son
is twenty one
and having trouble

he thinks the whole world
especially this country
is totally going to shit
and can't see the point in doing Anything.

i know
how he feels.

Leo had hoped i could talk with him
set a good example
give suggestions... advice maybe..

while talking with his parents
i recommended LiveJournal
: he likes writing but doesn't feel like it has a point...

while waiting for them to come in and sit down
i saw a book sitting in a basket:

"The Mysticism of Sound and Music"

i picked it up and started leafing through it...
came to a random paragraph and started reading...

the gist was something about Pain
he was saying how pain is necessary because it lets us appreciate joy

which is not a new concept to me
in the context of the evening
it reminded me of all the psychologist (or -chiatrists) my parents took me to when i was a teenager
who wanted to put me on drugs
for sever depression, or manic depression
and i always refused:
i didn't want to give up my deep lows
because i didn't want to give up my soaring heights
and i knew they were tied

this thought then spiraled back to a conversation i had with someone recently about "topping"
and how, often, "Tops" never like to bottom
they are afraid to bottom
they don't like it
it hurts too much, etc, etc...

and how i always hate that part of the conversation
would rather not go there
because the image of the Top is attractive in its virility
but kinda lame in its inability to accept pain

people who have never bottomed
i try and explain to them

"Yes, it DOES hurt.. but so does anything in life... it's what's behind the hurt that makes it attractive...
no bottom will say it doesn't hurt at all... only if they just want you to fuck them and don't want to talk about it..
but there is always some pain
those who know the pain, though
greet it like an old friend
take it by the hand
and dive into it
down that tunnel
into bliss

the cause of the pain is a cause of great joy
the feeling of pain is the same as joy"

as H.I.Kahn said... something like:
"comedy is for children... Tragedy is for the grown-up... the deepest of pain is the greatest of joy and can only be appreciated by the seasoned tongue"

this, of course
but into current consciousness
makes me want to say to my lover, in many arenas
"don't worry about hurting me... you will be teaching me, you will be bringing me great joy... you will be taking me somewhere i've only heard about before and long to experience with my flesh"

--- i only want to make you happy
== then hit me


or not so dramatic and blunt
but just the waves of life


a friend recently said to me
"in all the time i know you
you've been kinda Sick & Tired"
--- and you know
i think i have been
and probably will be my whole life
so be it
i also surf on waves of bliss
and amazing joys
such lush tastes and amazing experiences
i wouldn't give up either
and only crave more of the whole thing

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[User Picture Icon]
Date:March 20th, 2005 11:00 am (UTC)
"don't worry about hurting me... you will be teaching me, you will be bringing me great joy... you will be taking me somewhere i've only heard about before and long to experience with my flesh"

remind me of this one the next time I get to "editing" myself, okay?
(no subject) - (Anonymous)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:March 20th, 2005 02:16 pm (UTC)
On one hand
i have to admit that
once we dable in the extremes of things
we learn what the full experience is like
and enjoy the subteties around the center
on the other
i have to be a cheerleader for teen-age-like dramatic emotions (even though mine are much more calm these days)
because, i feel, society is so afraid of them as a whole and SO manythings try to surpress them
-- they are precious to learn from...
if we're aware...

and your point about power is important
a lot of people who feel this way now
(as i felt this way back in 2003)
would consider your idea inane
because the world is obviously FUCT
there is no turning back
and even if there were some way to save it
it is clear there is nothing we can do
we have no power
and it's all over
(like a daniel johnson song)

but that's what it's like being in the space of "hopelessness"

apparently the kid is stoned ALL THE TIME
which doesn't help much at all..

had the kid been there
i could have talked with him
and got a feel for exactly what was going on
but it's all speculation on this point

on an individual
in a small sea-side town
(that they forgot to bomb)
most likely
we'll never hear anything from

or is that a challenge?

Kid: Come Find me.

Wait, what are you saying about "can't even risk feeling it"
what would the feared outcome be?
Death? Non-Existance?
something irrational like that
but yeah, i guess that's what keeps us from feeling pain
the fear of experiencing it...

i guess
when we allow ourselves to feel [anything]
it flows through us
like each continual breath
and just keeps changing
like the scents we encounter as we walk down the street...
Date:March 20th, 2005 07:16 pm (UTC)
Sure it's all pointless. But...

Tell the kid to go to a poor country. Or to be with someone dying prematurely.

[User Picture Icon]
Date:March 24th, 2005 12:25 am (UTC)
Common Keith
you can't just PUT a poor country or a dying person into a kid's life...

Life gives you what you need

he's just being wind-blown in the waste-land
a lot of us have to go through it...

i just suggested he write in a public forum like this so he could do it in front of people

this time of self-consiousness really aids in introspection
if you're paying attention to ANYTHING

there are all those who will comment and knock you around into different views...

why don't you write here, m.Hermit?
i'd like to hear your thoughts through the day...

(no subject) - (Anonymous)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:March 24th, 2005 12:34 am (UTC)


my friend Leo was a total top his whole life
when people fucked him
it not only HURT him
but made him bleed and shit

we've done it together a few times
me being top, he being bottom
and the first few times he would say
"PHEW. well it was nice because it was you..."
but it still didn't really feel good
but emotionally, yeah...

it sounds like you got that one down

but ONCE
we were wrestling around
and he jumped on top of me
and sat on it
and then he Rode me
and THEN he found bliss

he said it was the first time he'd ever understood why guys liked getting fucked

it's a combination of wanting
letting it happen
receiving it
taking it

i don't know
how can you communicate this?
how do you take someone where they haven't gone?

"all the children flew when they touched my hand..."

it's the woman thing, again
the last thing i would want to do is hurt you
make you feel bad
make you feel insecure or angry
it's like breathing water
it's something scary and impossible
until you do it.

take, for example, Opera
next time you go to opera or symphony
sit there and close your eyes
and don't just listen with your ears
but listen with your whole body
let the reverberations shake you

or sit in your house and make that OM sound you've heard so much about
and don't worry about projecting it out and making it loud
but make it fill you and radiate from your Whole body

it's about a Whole body thing

-- that's why i hate it when people talk about "fucking hole"
coz it's never my hole someone fucks
it's always my "whole"

but i fuck "whole" too...
it's a big deal!

do you feel it's impossible
or do you feel challenged?

have you ever approached it like this?

it's scary
it took a long time before i let anyone fuck me
but it was a 56 year old when i was 18
(well, long time? i started having sex when i was 12)
he took his time
sucked my butt and rubbed it and played with it for a few hours before he put his dick there
then fucked me for THREE HOURS!
i don't know if i've ever been fucked that long since
and it turned me into a puddle
it was really amazing

the world NEEDS tops
coz there are so many BOTTOMS
i'm just talking about my idealisms again

if i had my way
there'd be no men OR Women

but then i'd change my mind
and do divisions of 3's instead
and thn maybe 20's?


it's something to experience through...

you're hot and i love you

nice new user Icon-- where'd ya get it?
(no subject) - (Anonymous)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:March 28th, 2005 06:10 pm (UTC)


Ahhhh, Yah
this guy i met once
Big Beautiful Black Uncut Cock
we smoke pot
the music is playing loud
we're wrestling around
and all of a sudden
he slaps cold lube on my ass and goes to shove that monster in


i top him bluntly
and tell him to lay down
i turn of the music
and say
"if you want to get inside me, this is what you have to do"
and start massaging his thighs
and licking his asshole
he freaks out
No Go


but that experience made it clear to me
: i know what i need
and it's very rare i let anyone FUCK me anymore

ya gotta make love to my asshole
you gotta make love to me through my butt
that's minimal
the rest is soaring..

i'm more of a top
i'm happy to be
coz i'm really good at making love to people through their butt
through their whole body
so i don't need to fuck all the time
just undulate happily against bodies

[User Picture Icon]
Date:March 20th, 2005 08:04 pm (UTC)
"don't worry about hurting me... you will be teaching me, you will be bringing me great joy... you will be taking me somewhere i've only heard about before and long to experience with my flesh"

I have said similar things to lovers in the past. Very few have understood, and fewer have accepted.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:March 24th, 2005 12:22 am (UTC)
it's really hard to love someone and consciously hurt them...
if you're consciously loving them

and it's best not to say shit like this
not to say it outloud
but to make the deal with yourself
put yourself in the place of the bullet, the speeding train
let yourself get blown to bits, ripped apart
have the experience
the glint in the eye
the smile
and say
"thank you"

that's all your lover will hear.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:March 22nd, 2005 06:46 am (UTC)
Some of us like both the top and the bottom equally. Bottom is easier, actually. But that doesn't make the top any less.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:March 24th, 2005 12:20 am (UTC)

... it's pretty funny you say this
Bottom is easier, actually. But that doesn't make the top any less.

because there are people who just CANNOT bottom
why would you say it's easier?
maybe because you can lay back and relax

bottoming for me is a lot of work
topping is a lot of work
but it's more my natural flow
whereas bottoming wears me out
and blows me to peices...

i don't think either are better than the other
i just think we should do both

more manifestoes later...

[User Picture Icon]
Date:March 24th, 2005 08:20 am (UTC)
I think doing both gives us the best of both worlds, and keeps us balanced. But that's just me. Both are hard. Both are rewarding. I like the bottom because it lets me just let go and live in the moment. And trust, relax and receive, yes. Just as topping is a lot of work, and yet a nurturing kind of thing for me. Maybe that sounds strange, but it's a hard thing for me to put into words.

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