"thanks for not ripping me to shreds in your journal"
while i was waiting for the bus
this guy smiled at me
and we started talking
i don't usually wait for busses
i walk to the next one
and often just get to where i'm going
or nearly (and then don't bother with the bus)
before the bus ever gets to me
but this guy starts talking
and i understand it is good to have randomn conversations sometimes
and he looks like he needs a smiling face to with
there are compliments and excuses
i don't need to give that detail again
but while we're on the bus
he asks something about intelligent people... or artistic? or maybe that question about single?
i don't remember
i just remember i looked at him and said
' i tend to like to rip my friends to shreds, i pick them apart and look at the inside of all of their fragments... i like them to tell me why they do and feel things... i want us to both be conscious of it '
"well, even if you're conscious of the things you do in your life... doesn't mean it'll change... this guy once asked me why i was attracted to this same type of man over and over and i said -- I AM! and i know that but it's just the way it is"
' true, true enough: just knowing why you do things and noticing you do things doesn't stop...but noticing and knowing gives you the option to continue: eg- i always am attracted to Leos... i always will be- i find them beautiful and attractive and i like to tell them so and that pleases them... and i am good at pleasing them... BUT
comming to knowledge of this also showed me the rest of the relationship: i am so busy pleasing them i forget myself... and they are so busy being pleased they certainly don't worry about pleasing me... they think i'm plenty happy pleasing them...
so now that i'm aware of it, i can enjoy it like a fine pastry
but never again to think i could live off that '
he looks puzzled and says
" yeah, i guess you can respond to your feelings differently "