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June 25th, 2012

34.22 @ 01:15 am




0:09

Yesterday
I went to see a film with Koos called
"Safety Not Guaranteed"
an indie flic set in the pacific north west
some of it may have been shot on an iPhone. . .
possibly a 3GS

however
it kept me guessing
and brought tears to my eyes
was generally entertaining
and kept me thinking about it
even more important
it set my emotions flowing in an inspirational current that caught me up continually a good while after it ended

(I saw someone in the movie house who stood out to me. . . and as we left he was on the phone just outside the door. . . when I recognized him as a friend of a friend that I'd never met but had sent a few messages on Facebook. . . and never heard a reply. . . but he said my name to me as I said hello. . . interrupting his phone call, we shook hands. . . )

(I recall, in conversation, speaking of how, last year, no matter what physical and emotional pains I was suffering, disease. . .disillusionment, I was filled with a feeling of gratitude. . . and, as often with perspective gained over time, I told the story as that grace period of gratefulness ending when I went to that spiritual healer. . . and pressed my heart against the pains of my loved ones and asked the spirits to flow through me and help heal those people I love. . . and in telling that story tonight I came to an even fuller understanding of: I gave up on Healing other people years ago: it was making me bitter all the time: I kept laying my life in the fire to help other people and I felt they squandered my love. . . (note: judgements placed on loving will always cause pain: best not to bring your knife into the house of love); I also remembered a friend who operated in the Buddhist paradigm explain to me that
when you do healing work for others you have to deal with their Karma: eat it or cut it or burn it or express it: live it out. Many of those loved ones are doing well right now: I'm suffering (the smallest things) greatly. beast of burden and all that. Oh. Also, I thought of the experience I had of being disillusioned.. with a great lover I had just expressed my love to on an entirely new level. . . only to find, yet again, I didn't know him at all. . . just the facets and projections I found useful or entertaining. . . pleasurable. that would make a great novel. . . or at least cathartic writing experience.)
(I had half a truffle and half a bottle of wine. . . and time may conspire with those to rinse out these epiphanies. . . so I'm making this note more for myself. . . )

Tonight
Tony and I went to see Martha Wainwright at the City Winery
which felt like being in Napa. . .
in fact, their cask wines were from Napa and Lake County
and the prices and energy felt like that pricey pretentious bourgeois beauty prominent in Napa
but the wine we had was tasty
and the sautéed chard and wild mushroom "flatbread" was good
The opening performer does not deserve mention. . . but a chubby jewish friend of his came on for one song to play the baritone guitar
Adam Levi
he was cute to watch and will be performing at Rockwood tomorrow (Monday) on Allen street, just south of Houston
Martha was amazing
she had fun thrashing around in her performance spasms
even wearing a "Kiki" grimace for a few of her covers
giving beautiful introductions to the Piaf songs. . . which she breathed life into
. . . but she opened the show with three "newish" songs that will be on her new album.
two I had heard last time I saw her live with Tony
but the second song she played was new to me
her first song about Motherhood
she told us
where she begged her child to be smarter than she was
and understand that she would live as long as she could handle it
but mainly she was just a stepping stone for her child to do what they had to do here
not to get hung up on her. . .
she then played the song "Your Clothes", which still haunts me, about her experience of going through her mother's clothes after she died of cancer a few years ago.

Martha Wainwright will never be exceptionally commercial
but she's a beautiful poet who speaks as truthfully as she can
a fantastic live performer
and someone who's struggle I am sympathetic with
I admire her as an artist
if you haven't listened to her
I suggest it.

(18:30)
we are living in a time of abundance
there are those that tell us
it will all run out
or be polluted
or controlled and taken away

what if the world is
linear, objective

what if
really
no!
really really
there isn't time
or truth
or reality
what if it's just whatever we want it to be
("we" as in: the universal spirit of humanity/the world/our universe
&
"want" as in: what our heart as a whole decides to manifest as our reality)

the limited supply of helium on this planet that we're squandering on floating balloons
won't ever run out
we'll have it always
we'll always have enough oil
clean air
and happy skies

if we just believe
if we keep the ball going
keep it up in the air

outside of the ideas of
What Goes Up Must Come Down

why is any joy for me always obscured by knowing that the ball will drop?

maybe we'll never need to sleep
or exhale. . .

/

I explained the philosophical idea of "Objectivism" to Koos today
and realized
that was the world I grew up in
(Fuck You very much, Ayn)
but have always resonated more on the easterly channels of
this whole world is created by Us
None of Us are Independent
and, when we do drop the concept of separateness
understanding the use of our ego
but realizing to each other more as deities in the divine
( oh! ego trip! people often have asked me if anyone ever calls me "D.Vine" and I've always shrugged it off. . . but if I wanted to express my ego as even more out of control than it is and actually use it as a moniker it would be very clever to style it as
D:Vine
because the : is kinda like and i. . . get it? ha!)
(ummm, sorry. ok.)
and working together as cells in a body
identifying as just tiny pieces in the universal body with specifics tasks to perform until our usefulness is expended
we could still have some "fun" (woooo!hooo!)
but we could work together with more love and honesty and create more beauty and destroy and abuse each other
Less

wouldn't that be Awesome?

seriously.

 
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