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February 27th, 2005

it's raining today in san francisco @ 04:57 pm

Current Mood: everything's in its wrong place
Current Music: speed trials - elliot smith

step up on the bus
step on the buss
with your plastic bags in hand
everything is wet
but the shopers are out in full force
"four ingredients" cook book with a happy couple
wait to eat your pork bun til we are stopped, please

we're in china.

i had a "massage"client at the hot tubs again today
lie lie lie
but closer, he said "no, i don't want a massage, i just want you to touch me"
fine, ok, i understand your need
but that is not what i do!
here in San Francisco
where boundaries are Fantasies... like everything else.

it's raining today in San Francisco

i got paid
for what?
hardly anything
but i did not get paid 25,000 dollars
"i'd give anything for you to fuck me"
--- twenty five thousand dollars? ---
i thought, but didn't say... coz i wouldn't believe it
and i would NEVER do it
no matter how much
"i would pay you twice... three times your rate if you would just cum in my mouth"

Please, give me a client who wants a massage

i hate this town.

-"he's pleased to meet you- underneath the horse- in the cathedral with the glass stained black
-singing 'sweetheart' - it needs to echo back- don't destroy their master
-maybe a long time before you get the call-up
-but it sure is raining hard as your thoughts
=no one will know where you are.

-it's just a brief smile
crossing your face
running speed trials
still heavy in place.

when the socket's not a shock enough
you little child
what makes you think you're tough
when all the people you think you're above
--they all know what's the matter
you're such a pinball
yeah, you know it's true
there's always something you'd go back running to
to follow the path

sorry, i'm doing this for me.

i walked out of the hot tubs after showering for 10 minutes
(i hate it when i feel dirty like that)

and walked through the rain to china town
along broadway, through the tunnel
where are the busses?

tunnel in
tunnel out

and the hotel in north beach where i might rent a room
-- no vanacy at the inn: go home.

walk down china town
old street man eating on the bumper of a huge white truck
just a pattering of rain, he doesn't mind
looking for an herb store
-i just want apricot kernals
need to strengthen my lungs

sold me some tea
no Mau Hung: it's become illegal in the USA, oh yes
and have they outlawed trucker speed yet? fuckers...
fucking government of monsters... hiding underneath the bed..
fucking monsters.

i lag
i lag and float around the store
the rain is filling up my head
i am on the open sea

an indian girl smiles at me

i love indians...

"the doctor is only fifte"

i go and sit by the doctor
he checks my pulse
"oh, your energy is very low, you are very weak, your immune system is very weak, you are very tired"
' yes ' - i growl, my voice nearly gone, throat red and raw and shot

"oh, i will give you herbs... have you done chinese herbs before? good. ok..
no indian curry (i've been eating a lot!), no spicey food, no fried food, no chicken... no alcohol"

i stand and watch the two men running around the store
they pick out herb after herb after herb
more and more and more
measure them out in threes

"put in a pot with 5 cups of water on medium heat.. let it come to a boil.. covered with only a crack open.. let it boil 45 minutes... down to about 1 and a half cups... drink half in the morning, half after dinner"

huge plastic bags
put it in a pink one
all the bags in china town are pink

pink bag for the little herbal tea thing
coltsfoot still in my pocket

walk through rain
jump on the bus

i'm amazed all the shopers are still out here today
a ligher bus
only a few, some happy couples, some...
it's raining today in san francisco
the wind is blowing
the little chinese boy is shouting to the buss driver
asking him if it goes to..

and a street-man
with a cane
taps on the driver's window
"can i get on here?"
it's not rainging TOO hard
dirty man
the bus driver drives on
slows down
the street-guy hobbles towards the bus-stop
the driver pulls on...

i'm heading home
i need to rest
i need to stop wanking
i'm tired...

i came three times last night with a sexy daddy bear from oaklahoma
"where the men come swishing down the planes"
but he wasn't like the other guy i once had from oaklahoma
oh, similar in ways
but no chikasaw
and dutch, not scottish

frozen food, psoriasis, pretty boys
"if you'd only shave your face"
but no life here
skittering out on the sf-flakeyness

this is silly

the chinese doctor looks at me and smiles
"why live here? it's so expensive..."

really, i don't know
i'm working it out
i'm coughing

my HIV results were negative
but do i have AIDS again
like i did when i was 16?
from jacking off
from being unhappy
i dunno
what do you do when you're wrestling with deamons?
sit down, have a cup of tea...

i walked down the street and there were books outside the house i might have
and there were books outside the house i used to stay in
the big purple house...
a book i had looked through at the rainbow gathering in italy back in 2002
"what if everything you knew about HIV and AIDS was wrong?"
wrong wrong wrong: i don't have a virus, never did
even the kid at the clinic said most people don't show any symptoms of the virus until 10 to 12 years
then why was everyone dying in the 80's, damnit!
because of the drugs.
the drugs the doctors gave them
but before that
all the drugs and partying they did?
is it self destruction?
i kept walking

i waited outside 61 henry yesterday
for the man who had it on open-house
but he never showed up
61 henry - hobbit hovel
but i could live there!
it looked like a hobbit hovel
green door
i liked it
staid tree

gotta get home and rest for a while

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Date:February 28th, 2005 08:41 am (UTC)







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Date:February 28th, 2005 08:54 pm (UTC)

Ack! -- you caught me embarrassed

" We’re just a million little god’s causin' rain storms turnin’ every good thing to rust. " - Arcade Fire

i thought about your response all night last night
sick and coughing, shaking
like a junkie
a thousand gods and angels trying to sooth me
the potentials of all my internet surfing coming to fruition
a million souls comming to me to play out Life

it wasn't exactly restful
but it broke the fever
though i still feel like i have a boulder i my head
i'm much better

but i also thought this:

it's much easier to respond to people i know will never flesh out into a relationship.

the men that i'm REALLY attracted to
i'm scared of all the work of Living that will go into it...
so much more rewards, yes!

i have your email flagged
and have been waiting to respond to it til i felt better
more grounded
i've been here two weeks
and have been spiralling off balance more and more
instead of feeling better
but i've looked at your email a few times
wondering when i should reply...

now you snuck up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder
and asked me about love..

i'm as ready for "my husband" as the desert is for rain
cheesy, i know
but it would wash me out and bring something entirely surprising back to life.

and though i almost don't believe in love [like that... for me]
the hope of it is there
and that is one of the things that makes the world OK for me
knowing one day i'll be with... "my love"

but i don't feel it's coming for a while yet
and what i feel you're suggesting is
"take care of yourself, so when real love comes you can enjoy it.. and it can enjoy you"

i dunno
it's idealistic
but it's something to think about
thank you for giving me that to wrap up with last night..
Date:March 1st, 2005 02:35 am (UTC)

Re: Ack! -- you caught me embarrassed

Please don't feel embarrassed. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I do worry about very important people. It oughtta be my job. Probably wouldn't pay much. Hang on, please.
Date:February 28th, 2005 04:53 pm (UTC)
Stop. Just stop. Be immobile for a while even. It doesn't even matter where.

My 20s were no home and on the road. At 27 I got sick. I had never been sick before. I didn't know what sickness was. I didn't give it the respect it deserved and kept moving. I got real sick. Shot down. Sick & homeless. I remained sick for 3 years. And now, 23 years later, chronic respiratory troubles remain.

It may hurt to stop but it hurts to keep moving too. Be bored. Be lonely. Whatever... it's OK. Trust me: nothing horrible will happen and you aren't missing anything.

Sorry for unsolicited advice but I see in you where I have been.

(hermit in Ontario with whom you have exchanged a few emails)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 28th, 2005 08:55 pm (UTC)
Hi Keith
thank you for the advice

i'm working on it! i'm working on it!
i was a VERY sickly child
i was sick for YEARS
i hope i'm not going back into one of those cycles
i can't imagine how i would
but i appreciate your story and your concern

thank you
i'm WORKING on it.


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