i was struggling to understand the nature of my loving
with my friend Leo
and at the same time
trying to make money
and satiate my monster sexual desire
in the beautiful but monstruous sexual monster of San francisco
i did pretty well on all accounts
as the currents took me on
Los Angeles was also really intense
i got to see my friend Walter
and directly after, Eli
we have a menage-a-trois of sorts
from a movie we made
which reminds me, i need to give them eachother's contact information.
but i tell all this just to say: i didn't sleep much
less and less in the city
as the moon was waning
i just got more tired and more tired
and rushed around doing things
trying to have sex with those i wanted to see before i left
and conversations of other sorts with the others
and of course
i didn't have enough time and space to make it all fit
my last night in LA i didn't sleep at all
could hardly keep my eyes open standing still
nodding off in the airport
but it was great
i slept pretty well on the plane
and i know, from the many times i've done this
that it's a great way to travel to a new place
all that exhaustion makes the eyes wide
taking in everything
tired brain doesn't get a chance to judge
the buss ride in from the airport was brilliant
the beautiful river
clogged with tires and foam
the little shack-villages under the bridges by the freeway
similar to south africa
but actually much less
and the city
the old architecture
the small winding streets
the huge ones
when i got into the paulista district
three guys started pointing and hollering at me in the buss
i didn't have a place to stay
or knew anything about the city
but i grabbed my bag and asked the driver to let me off there
it was, apparently, a pretty rich area
and people stared at me strangely
nice smiles, though
i didn't feel put out
i bought some bread and garlic and cheese:
Gouda... not with real wax, but dyed on the outside of the cheese to look like it...
i walked around and stopped
looked at my map
realized that this wasn't where i wanted to be
i wanted to be in the gay area of town
there's always a language to speak there...
so i figured the way
and started walking up the big road...
Consdãçao, i believe
i don't know how to discribe...
the dirty traffic air
the un-even sidewalks
the rolling ground
and little snack-shops
i stopped and bought what i later came to know as a "coxinha" or "little thigh"
which is a deep fried potato dumpling filled with spicy chicken
it was amazing!
i was so surprised i loved it so much
and love that they sell these everywhere
i haven't had a real meal since i've been here
just little bites in many differnt places...
walking up that road
i saw a large grove of beautiful trees
so i turned an followed the solid wall that kept me from them
on the far side
i found the entrance: it was the city cemetary
old and jam-packed
i was totally exhausted
and had just got something in my left eye
so i walked in and sat down on one of the plots:
there was no ground here
tiny alleys between huge ornate momorials
i walked in there for perhaps an hour
and on my way out a man stopped and started talking to me
i didn't understand, of course
and he didn't understand english,
but, like many of the people here, that didn't stop him from talking to me
he explained that people came in vandalized the graves a lot
ripped off the plaques and stole the marble facing
of course i'd never do anything like that
he shook my hand
and i was on my way.
i figured i'd go to the gay area of town
see if i met anyone intersting on the street
then call some of my internet contacts to see if i could find a place to stay that night
but on my walk i found an old apartment/hotel called the "Albany"
there were a bunch of old men sitting in the small lobby
i hesitated a second in front of the window, to see if i could see the prices...
looked like it said
"35 reais a night"
which was almost half as much as the cheapest i'd seen
and the man at the desk walked out and looked at me
so i went in.
he didn't speak any english
so went to get a friend, Eduardo
Eduardo was very talkative
he'd been in New Jersey before..
i decided to stay the night
and there were two prices
so i asked him about that
he said he'd give me a discount
i got 3 nights for 80reais
which is about 40 dollars
the shower drips
and if you reach up to touch the metal that the nozzle comes out of
it will shock you
as they heat the water in the head of the shower here
with wires sticking out, electrical tape splicing...
and no toilet paper
but no worry, i went out into the city
found the hustler park
and watched the turtles
and the men cruising
it was very intense
but i didn't understand how it worked
so i went to call a kid i'd met on line who was brazilian, but had lived in SF for five years...
he said "what are you doing in that park! it's very dangerous!, i'll come meet you right away"
so i was waiting for him and some guy gave me the look
i followed him a bit
he was very passionate
i could feel the energy between us buzzing
too bad i couldn't understand anything he said
i think he was trying to get me to come home with him
and i had just called adriano..
i so gave it a miss
instead, took off my shoes and introduced myself to one of the trees here
i don't know it's name
but it has things that look like roots that hang down from all over it
i could climb up it
and sinewy skin
like a thousand muscles climbing up it
and it felt so good
"hello tree, introduce me to your land"
'get out of the city'
"yes yes yes"
i found Adriano
and he was a big beautiful cute boy of 32
he introduced me to the bears here
little did i know
they have their own bar, and botique and knick-knack shop
tattoos and piercings too
little did i know
but happy to see
i told i was tired, but wired, as his friend had bought me an espresso
so i thought i'd go back to his house and start my on-line journal
"well, of course of course!"
we walked back, beautiful
the city over the city
deep below the cars rumbled
tall apartments buildings heaving up around us, surround us
this city is very easy to walk around, cept for the occasional un-eaven paving..
it seems small
but huge too.
of course i got no journal writing done that night
and would have loved to have slept with him
but knew i needed a good night's sleep
and had payed for the room after all..
we said we'd meet in the morning...
but i slept 14 hours!
and will still very tired
i thought it was the morning
so i lazed about...
then headed down to call Adriano
and glanced at the clock as i was leaving the building
he wasn't around
so i went to the sauna his friend had given me free passes to...
the subways are very deep here
deep and fast and filled with people
and i didn't understand at all how the sauna worked
it was many "straight" men
and no private space
and i burned myself on the hot water the first shower i took
i'd not seen a double faucet since i got here
so i didn't think about it and just turned it on...
but there was lots of great energy going around there
mostly the men all talking
in the actual dry sauna
there was a man giving scrub/bath/massages
and the others would all sit around and talk
very loudly and fast
singing songs a bit
and going on about things i didn't understand
i met a nice young boy there, though
and when it came to us playing around
he just took my hand and put it over his heart
to feel the pounding
and the love
"listen to your heart, be in your heart, heal yourself through your heart"
i've been feeling kinda ill since i got here
but flying always does that to me.
he took me back to the centre of the city
warning me of all the dangers
and binladden won't bomb the US next time
he'll poison the water
and everyone will die!
oh the paranoia!
and in the bar he took me to
there was a man with a very big face
have you seen the film "Brazil" by terry gilliam?
there's a mask that the interrigator wears in the final sceens... it was frightening , this guy's face looked like that...
but i've not really been into bars lately
i drank some beer
and talked with some people
which is lots of facial expressions and gruntings and bad spanish on my part
hand signals too
i went home and slept again
with plans for tomorrow
i woke this morning from a dream:
i'd been travelling with some man
we went to Hawaii together
he checked his messages
and found he must be in LA immediately!
"so we must get on the next plane back"
'but wait, i have to at least get in the ocean!'
i was in the back seat of this car with two girls driving
i think they were dykes
and was this still in hawaii?
the driver was an activist
and said she had no connection to god
i told her she really needed to work on a relationship with the infinite... know eternity intimately
then a cop started flashing
and she told me to play with my computer
"you've been mouthing off so much"
but i didn't
i just connected with eternity
i woke at dawn
and lay in bed becomming one with nothing
went down stairs for breakfast
there was none
and came here
it's taken me forever to write this...
now i'm off to meet people
and eat some fruit