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February 15th, 2005

into the lions... @ 04:47 am

Current Music: Neighborhood #4 (7 Kettles)-The Arcade Fire-Funeral

what a wonderful day this is

"valentine's day is just a day invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap"
-charlie kaufman, Joel Barrish: "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" -- a year ago

i was talking with someone in SF on the phone tonight
and said something about Leo
and he paused and asked in that slightly-put-off-but-pretending-it's-ok voice
"are you guys, like, romantically involved?"

i love so many people
and when i get asked this question
i always need to qualify and be aware of how i express it...

i don't own anyone
nor am i owned by anyone

and though i love many
i don't feel i'm able to be a husband to any of them
because of my life style
it's not respectful nor responsible
but i love people on these terms
and am loved by people on these terms
(and, admittedly, on many others... and none!)

in that big lonely city
there are so many people starving for love...
(well, everywhere, really)
and the general understanding that
"if you love him, you won't love me"
strange uni-directional love

my heart is a sphere.

and we cuddled
me and Leo
we napped
we talked
he cooked True Cod and asparagus with rice and a mayonaise/mustard sauce...
tarragon on everything.

champaign...

and a screening of Eli's latest film, "The Art Colony"
which features a girl being forced to shit on stage while she is saying
"i want to show you what's inside of me, i want you to understand me: i love you, i love you, i fucking love you"

then bits from "Orgasmo" -- the Trey Parker film that hasn't really gotten a release in this country
(about a nice mormon boy saving the souls of LA through the inside of the Porn industry)

and then we ate Cheese cake
cuddled more
i put Leo to bed
and i've been up here
reading
doing things
making it work
since...

and what have i found on LJ tonight?
well
more love from the past...
reading about meetings and rembrances from last year
sending out little dashes of love to friends...
finding a friend who i haven't talked to in months (since 2003, really)
who has just joined LJ and has added me as a friend, even though...

so
alright
i'm magnanamous tonight
and i love you

maybe
in all my talk of "my heart is a sphere" he serves to remind me how difficult it can be to really love another person

yes
easy to love in that God kinda way
but in that human to human way
difficult

s'alright
it's the work worth doing..

i strayed off that path for a while
but
somehow
i'm back on it

this time of my own volition, though...
YEAH!
(laughs)

Happy day of celebration of love
(this is today, this is tomorrow, this is every moment you remember...)
 
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