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February 7th, 2005

example of astrological understanding @ 09:06 pm

Current Music: The White Trash Period Of My Life-Josh Rouse-Dressed Up Like Nebraska

Y is an Aries
his attempts to make himself happy (ego-wise, no differentation needed)
involve making rash things happen:

"i'm going to drive across america and pick you up and bring you back to NYC"

my moon is in aries

the shift to tending to my own emotions
would be from
letting other's make oppurtunities for me
and me willingly bringing my oppurunities into being.

in Reality
i am just a kid of 26

i am accustomed to living the life of "already success"
because i've had the support and assets of men in their 50's...
successful men
not rich (none of the men i've loved are monetarily rich... just in Life)
but with a beautiful house
or wonderful job
great apartment in a beautiful area of town

generally (or, how i understand it)
a kid starting out on his own
gets the sub-standard
struggles from the ground up into a place of success

i have done nothing on my own merritts
(but, has anyone?)
my credit rating is Zero
i'm working on bringing myself up to my own level of success
but i'm spoiled by living in such luxury

humble myself to my own status...

compared with those living on the laurels of their youth
coasting into the crash-landing of middle-age or old-age
stepping off the wings of the father...

of course
mentorship is a beautiful way for a boy (straight or gay) to learn lessons of life...
but to not move on from that is folley..

i wrote this in a comment to a friend:

i'm dissatisfied with how i'm dealing with what i'm being given
not that it's not wonderful and amazing
but because it's not what i WANT
i should be resting secure in just accepting that it must be what i need
coz it's coming from every direction..
but one of the main reasons i'm dissatisfied with what i'm being offered
it is what i ALREADY HAVE
just with a different person
in a different place
but it'll be the same story:

i want a different story
... or at least learn how to grow in this story
(that's the problem, i want to grow and i feel like i've outgrown this pot)
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Date:February 8th, 2005 05:35 am (UTC)
I don't know if this exactly applies to you. But when I was much younger I admired someone who gave up a life of wealth to live as if poor. But then someone said to me - he has failed to address the life challenge he set himself. His job was to steward the wealth and make sure it was used for good instead of squandered or used for ill. I wonder if your job is to steward the wealth you are being offered.
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Date:February 8th, 2005 06:10 am (UTC)
Thanks Bill
that was a good angle to think about

but i don't think that's it...

"wealth" flows in a current
and for the same reason that some would not feel comfortable accepting money that was knowingly stolen from someone (just for the bad karma of it)
i know i did not want to follow my father's path
accept his wealth, four paid years in university, etc...

some gifts are poisonous and choking...

in the situation of two of the men who let me have free reign of their wealth
i thought of what you said
and remembered
that when i first was given these gifts
i tended to them so lovingly and carefully
out of graditude
but now i've noticed they are not situations i can grow in
more so
no matter how well i care for them
they are decaying
for the Owners of the wealth don't manage them well

the inheritor of a scattered and tired crown
that isn't mine

i will admit to having enjoyed many dreams that weren't mine to begin with
had many adventures on borrowed desires
because i have always been quite content to listen to the wind blow and watch the leaves fall
(in my quiet childhood)

i want to find my own path now
i have scraps of it
i want them whole
a suit i can wear
Date:February 11th, 2005 04:33 am (UTC)
Imagine you back in NYC ~ that would be something ~ better than that Christo thing in Central Park and freer to behold (though not necessarily freer to hold)
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Date:February 11th, 2005 06:33 am (UTC)
the anonymous postings...

who is this now?

i was just talking about Christo on the river through Tempe...

who's thinking of me back in NYC?

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