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February 7th, 2005

they're coming to take me away @ 12:12 am

Current Music: Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout-Tori Amos


so i talk with people, right?
i imagine plans
i cancel them
i sit in the house and dream
desperately graple to ground and make something happen
fighting the great nothing flow of california


from the city, he calls
he says
he'll rent a car and drive up and pick me up and take me down
simple as that
be here soon
if he can


i sit in the chair and look out the window and wonder...
it's been colder today
the wind blowing...

well, if he's going to put the energy into it...
but i STILL don't know if i can make the flower business work
if i WANT to put that much energy into it...
that much energy to live in SF
which just WON'T be healthy for me...

and then there's the OTHER city
i return a phone call
the monster Aries
how long were we on the phone?
within an hour he's detailed a plan of driving out here from NEW YORK
non stop
just driving out here
how i have to get him a driver to drive with him from craiglist or... elsewhere...
pick me up
all my stuff
and drive me back to NYC


it's all just rolling

"i'll drive out there and pick you up: tomorrow"

what a rush!
i guess if i deal with anything
they want me to leave the hermitage
i understand
it's time for living

this is insane!
i'm staying right here!

but what for?
there's nothing to stay here for
if i listen to my desires
i'd much rather be in NYC than SF
i don't LIKE SF
i don't really like California
i mean
it's wonderful
there's nothing better
but it's so Breezy...
i need something more meaty

my fucking wandering and blathering...

no wonder god is laughing at me
he's confused with all my mixed messages
just what will make this little prince happy?

i'm not sure
but i'm pretty certain i need to walk there on my own two feet.
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[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 7th, 2005 08:32 am (UTC)
Knowing where to be is important.

Sometimes "around friends" is the best answer than a geographical one.

You and I don't talk often, but you're often in my thoughts.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 7th, 2005 08:38 am (UTC)
are you hinting that i should move back to Tucson, Urso?

thanks for the input
it's a good reminder

Date:February 7th, 2005 10:48 am (UTC)
You've been sounding quite restless and a little dissatisfied, your past few posts. It sounds like you wnat to go somewhere, but the where isn't clear.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 7th, 2005 10:30 pm (UTC)
Precisely, dear Watson!

but it's not about where to GO
but where to BE
and HOW.

i'm dissatisfied with how i'm dealing with what i'm being given
not that it's not wonderful and amazing
but because it's not what i WANT
i should be resting secure in just accepting that it must be what i need
coz it's coming from every direction..
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 7th, 2005 10:40 pm (UTC)
Oh, ( i just chased a dog up the hill... little terrier, never seen him here before...)

but one of the main reasons i'm dissatisfied with what i'm being offered
it is what i ALREADY HAVE
just with a different person
in a different place
but it'll be the same story:

i want a different story
... or at least learn how to grow in this story
(that's the problem, i want to grow and i feel like i've outgrown this pot)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 7th, 2005 03:52 pm (UTC)
I was going to say your last five lines were such a poem, but then I backed up and saw the part about California being "breezy"...
So I've figured out the perfect advice... you really are such a bard, you just need to move back a few centuries is all. I mean, we will miss you, but that's the right place for you and already you enjoy the costumes!
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 8th, 2005 07:29 pm (UTC)
believe me
i know
it was a focus of my life til i hit puberty
then the fantasy and reality clashed
and now i've just been meshing them

i'm sure i've got a foot in each world

both are insane anyway
i just fit into the other one better

but in this one
i have computers
and that's a fun game to play, eh?

Date:February 8th, 2005 08:31 am (UTC)

aries monster

from Y
1. monster n. (100%)
a large, ugly, and frightening imaginary creature. • an inhumanly cruel or wicked person. • humorous a rude or badly behaved child.
(From The Concise Oxford English Dictionary in English Dictionaries & Thesauruses)
Where do you place me
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 8th, 2005 07:20 pm (UTC)

Re: aries monster

well, you're not THAT large, cruel or wicked
you're much more a humorous badly behaved child.

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