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February 5th, 2005

yesterday and today @ 04:28 pm

Too Much.

i went to harbin hot springs two days ago
it was SO good
but if only i'd gone earlier..
if only i'd gone the day i intended to go!

some friends of mine were there!
well, one guy i knew
and his friends.

Michael.

i parked the jeep and walked up the steps
and when i got to the first landing
the smoking deck
there he was
his friar-tuck face, beaming eyes and beautiful beard
briar clamped between his teeth
curls of smoke around his shiney head

HUGS and sharing the pipe and conversation
he'd spent the night!
OH!
onlyif
ifonly
if

he was only there an hour longer
i stayed and enjoyed him
and his lover
we all played together in the water
massaging and cuddling
then his lover left
and he and i swam in eachother a bit
Celtic magician
we connect...

then i took care of myself
great stretching
then hot
then cold
hot
cold
hot
cold
Yes.

beauty all around
the night fall
the stars

checked my messages
and my farmer wasn't coming down
all indecisive
but another guy from CL had called
and he lived just south of there
"you might not like me: i'm a teddy-bear of a guy"
hmmm, just my luck

i give him a call
and head on down to see him
really sweet
furry everywhere
long thick currly red furr
great!

we cuddle
while we're having sex
he says "rape Me"
i say
' that's not what i do, i'm loving you '

gotta hold our hands sometimes..

it was an alright night
not great
there was some trouble
his undenying reality of medicine and "getting old" which i find tiring
but he was a sweet man
and nice to cuddle

but i was tired
came home
and a 70 year old had driven up from the city
as if he hadn't even read my ad
not my type at all
but he drove so far
(though he had a meeting just an hour away in calistoga, so it was JUST for me, but an hour out of the way for me)

we tussled around
he was hungry
but...
it was ok

i sat up
startled
after resting
and pulled my back out
the clouds were rolling in
weather changing
i felt terrible
what's goin on?

he left
and two hours later
another guy came
who i'd talked with online for a year
interesting fellow who's travelled the world all his life
hasn't "had a straight job for over 25 years"
in his early 40's

but he's like a dead-head drainbow
and the entire time he's there he's talking non-stop
about him
and all of his friends
and the guy he takes care of
and everyone he knows
and everywhere he's been
and it has nothing to do with me
and i feel like i'm fighting him to speak
and he's really not interested in what i have to say anyway
and if i travel my whole life will i have so much to say
blindly unaware of the real people around me?

maybe
but i don't think i'll ever take that many drugs...

Worn Out!
i sent him home forcefully
and decided not to head down to the city like Guy asked me to
yeah
i could help him with the Flowers for Valentine's day
but suddenly
it doesn't feel important
and it feels off track
and i don't know where i'm going
or what to do
so i decide to just sit and wait
and fight my urges for sugar cravings
and try not to be too swept up by the phantoms
 
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