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February 10th, 2004

Mind the gap @ 01:05 am

mwa mwa


ok

write backwards...

ok

it's monday night.

i always like monday's to be MoonDays...

as if i were a woman
as they said in the days
on my moon

and in so many understandings
the moon is internal

over the last few years
in all my travelling
i like to give monday to myself.

i had plans, actually.

i had planned to come into Sao Paulo sunday night
sleep well
then wake early
streatch, pray
and write all day
getting it all down
all that happened
all i thougt and felt.

but plans twisted a bit
and i succumed to my usual Nafs...

spent all sunday night
til the sun rose
working myself into a frenzy over desire
the miracle of lust

what is this?

this all-encompassing desire for the passion of penetration....
yeah, we all want union
we all want unity
and though fucking always ends
and someone goes home
leaving the other alone
it is a strong attractor
like drugs
like food
like long walks in the beautiful hills
being in the body in intense ways
gets us closer to god

we are god
abstracted
then re-planted in structures made by god (oursleves, but whole)
so through ourselves we can reach god again

but to most people it is such a waste of time

yeah yeah, they know about the wizard of oz
they know it's just them behind a curtain
so the fun part is
forgetting that
and loving the horse of a different colour...

my, i digress
i spent last night abusing myself
and furthermore
fantasizing more luscious ways to abuse myself
and enlisting others to help.

i slept about two hours this morning

another dream about something
with my dad
many things to get accomplished
and dissaproval and blame all around
just frustrating
i woke up and had to take a shit
i had eaten too many prunes and dried fruit...

i knew once i got away from the pousada
i would still be a hunter-gather
but more picky
and not eating as much here in SP
so resorting to what was shoved in my fat.

two hours of sleep

but i had made a date
to go out into this HUGE never-ending city
to meet some guy near the cathedral down town.

don't worry, of course he didn't show up.
that's fine.

i walked around for a time
got to an internet cafe
and proceeded to continue...

saw m. Adriano on line
and we started chatting
dancing a little dance around himself
seeing that the last time we'd talked
he'd told me he was back with his boy friend
and they were in a closed relationship
but eventually
i just put it clear to him
i just wanted to have sex with him again

he addmitted the same
so i worked my way over there
and we spent many hours doing just that.

this time, however
i used one of my gifts from the current
and made the whole thing a prayer
a meditation
a yoga
an act of loving
a medicine

like i used to!
(laughs)

the monster in my head ridiculed me
told me i was lying..

i have noticed it the last few days
been able to hear it distinctly
it will say all sorts of shitty things
and when i recognize it's voice
i can just tell it to shut the fuck up
instead of thinking it might be saying something important

why such fractures of being?
coz there's love and hate. boys and girls. this tedium of duality we live in.. gotta have our playmates.

love, eventually we'll get around to it
but sometimes respect is necessary first

who the fuck are you?
oh yeah?
well here's who i am
get the fuck out of my way, thanks.

THanks.

i had to teach smurf how to make the TH sound tonight
it was a lot of fun

sex with adriano
lots of sex
great sex
and i recorded some of it
and prayed
and slept a bit more
and dreamt.

still, there was the ever-present sadness of life there
his boyfriend showed up
and they talked for a bit
while i was in the bathroom
just a reminder that mr A isn't in integrity
and my choosing to fraterize constantly with people who aren't i integrity
show's up my own lack there of
damn humans!
(laughs)

"Please Excuse The Mess, We Are Working To Bring You A Better Dominic"

ate some nice street food on the walk back
on the walk TO adriano's
i stopped into, what i THINK, was a capple of St Francis
very decorated
gold and curly
but very pretty
and it felt great
it was a nice gift to remind me of my duties
when i knew full well what i was getting into

i think it was just a bit of preperation for the Crown tomorrow.

Adriano was the last person i had had sex with
and almost the only person i have had sex with in Brazil
(two others, very hardly present)
and the sex was great
he hates how big he is
but i just find him absolutely adorable, physically
i love so much about his body
and we work together sexually WONDERFULLY
however, up til today, there was very little psychic/spiritual/emotinoal connection
i always think there is none unless i do the work to make it so
but is that just because
if i don't do the work
i can't pick up on theirs?
or that most people don't do it consciously
and part of my retarded-genius
is having to experience life consciously
in order for it to be real?

it was satiating.

i felt so damn satiated.

i didn't really want the guy who didn't show up
i wanted adriano
i got him
and it was great
he wanted me too
and we had a great time

i left feeling balanced
absolved

i ate a bit
and even got a Maté-Açai-Cupuaçu shake...

full
i was full
in so many ways

i walked through the beautiful city
it rained for about a minute
spread out through about five minutes
it was blue skies...
people with paint on their faces
inducted into university
degredated and forced to beg for beer money on the streets

the night was comming
and the shops were closing
but all the street vendors were comming out

i had never been in this part of town
i didn't know about this

it reminded me of Bejing..

Got Back Nicely
and talked with Smurf
one thing led to another
and i told him about
meeting gregory at the Casa...

now, when i met gregory
i was pretty sure i was familiar with him in some way
and yeah, he is kinda a famous guy
famous in the areas of Chaos theory, written a few books
and invented the VeggieBurger

well well
Smurf says
"yes, i know him, he is in a movie i have"
so he shows me this movie...
it's about trance culture...
Alex Gray, Spruhngle, all sorts of sadus and burning man and stonehenge and Nikki, a woman Kwai and I Interviewed once...
small world
and there was gregory
on camera
dancing in a field
and talking about all sorts of stuff

full circle.

i have a lot to write

but now i am pretty tired
so this will probably be IT for now...

still, sorry i have been so truant
but i am sure this will happen often:
i am usually quite busy living...

love ya
 
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[User Picture Icon]
From:chefxh
Date:February 9th, 2004 09:30 pm (UTC)

the need for connectedness

(Link)
love ya

and we you, o joyous spirit.

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