oh, I need to write @ 04:48 pm
oh, I need to write
my thoughts right now!
:la lala la la
I want to watch tv
not drop into the torrent of my consciousness
bombing The Hague
the nazis came
his dad was hiding in the basement
his elder sister played piano for the soldiers
while one balanced him on his knee
he was 2 or 3
when they were bombing the city
his mother and sisters and he were running through the burning streets to reach
a place of safety
a parot flew by
he'd never seen one before
it was a trendy middle class acquisition at the time
somehow free'd from a destroyed building
in a boot
no body in sight
just standing there
his father had a horse drawn carriage
and went back and forth to the house collecting all the things they'd want to keep
through the burning streets
everything else got destroyed around there...
but their house was fine
over the remaining years of the war
they sheltered many Jews
(his them in the basement, the walls)
because Jesus wanted them to
but they didn't learn their names
or answer their thank you cards years later
one of his best friend's as a kid (in queens, in the eighties... early nineties)
lost a finger in a...
you can't see it in this photo
he was my best friend...
but he was kind of abusive
he's probably really hot now.
we used to suck eachother off a lot
but at some point he just acted like an asshole for no reason and they stopped being friends
all sorts of functional blind spots.
today in Greenpoint
they are So Tacky!
all the letters: how does that sound?
I can't pronounce it...
how brazen... good for you!
and a bunch of garbled words
and stuffed animals in the windows
-I think of the puff-paint sweatshirts in brataslava; rhinestones...
and that depressing neighborhood yesterday in the bronx
where I thought...
and another thing
I didn't want to
it all hurts
and these judgements
I want integrity and love
memories are intrinsic
oh, but the tragedies...
are they really necessary?
because they happened, they are!
and these judgements?
what about the abuse I imagine happens inside the vinyl sided house with Two iron fences; American Flag
the "depression" I imagine
the chocolate and candies were horrible
I want to love everything!
but is that loving?
someone, he said, has to do the sorting
("and who gave you authority?!")
'yeah, cloying. yeah, to give you cavities. oy! diabetes!'
being pleasant and nice is not useful
is not an important goal
action through integrity
has itself to answer for
no doubts or fear
accept what you are
when I was helping him today
holding her hair
I have to grow out my hair again
just a year of short hair
just this time