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July 7th, 2011

ahhhh, sad monster @ 12:52 pm




I hate being late
really late
really really really
hate being late

what is it?

it mostly has something to do with sex obsession
(I think)

I have been relatively low on sex drive since returning from CA
but yesterday I got off four times
stayed up very late as well (including the fourth one)

woke up early this morning
and it was the first thing I did

hours late leaving the house anyway
missed something I wanted to do:
left an hour after I wanted to be there

I'm even late for my next appointment: arrived as the train was pulling away
(which often happens when I'm late)

of course
I was also lost in other Internet/computer holes last night...

...
the sex obsession isn't the cause
it's another symptom

so should I assume my standard sickness has returned? on the day I arrived at 33...

I know what's good for me
simple, base things
sleeping. eating. yoga/excersize.
nourishing myself.
rampant masturbation and endless Internet sifting (or video-solitare playing) is just depleting
just.
it's entertaining, it's fun I guess
but it's lame and wasteful
foolish
it depletes my Self
as well as my relationships
(where it connects to lateness)

why?
Death Urge?
Fear of Living...
Fear of struggling, surviving, Loving, creating
simple as that?
death-sex instead of life-sex
Thanantotic Onanism instead of Erotic Collaboration

why?
how to divert it?
am I prolonging my life by enfolding my death?
actions of the dead to take up the living time I am not meant to have?
meant?
I'm mining for meaning here
I ate oil as well so I'm chasing rabbits
but when I wasn't in...
oh, I was going to say I wasn't in such a pattern in CA
but I was
all my death and his death
too much death
it was just less sexual
less pleasurable

the pleasure is good
but too good
rotting my life!

at least I ate well today
but what
how do I control myself
and why this crazzy relapse now?
I've been feeling much more calm and centered til yesterday
(have I?)

I imagine a stable self
a creative self
an enlightened self who can make choices and direct action

how do I sculpt him from this rough ore?

.
:.:

 
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