the reason I want a lover
sometime in the future
is to give me hope
something to work for
my first boy friend I lived with
our love made me want to be a better person
to be with him
i want to purify and perfect myself for the beloved
(who loves me anyway)
singing and toning in the steam room while stoned was beautiful and blissful
the party yesterday gave me a nostalgic memory for a desire I used to have: the gay dads who I could go live with and everything would be better...
to be a nymph running in their garden
to please them with my massage
to lay naked in bed with them...
I was in a very touchy mood
touching most of the men there a lot
the oldest man had a young Mexican lover who sent waves of disapproval/jealousy towards me
I feel the same towards him
imagining him hustling them
of course: I being the more pure
(but who's to say)
I followed a feeling I often get about boys who take advantage of daddies (of course those daddies know what's going on: they give all they can to keep the boy around)
distrusting boys who are with daddies but Are Also attracted to boys
because my sexuality isn't like that I suspect them of deception (they may just have more channels than I)
and lump that feeling in with a joke I made about "sexual predators" :
like the mythical man stalking innocent children
I'm a youthful man hunting innocent geriatric hotties
who know not their beauty
I seek to take advantage of their tender wizened flesh and well used genitals...
the boys hunting the daddy meat
the daddies hunting the boy meat
hunting: I like hunting
but I continually fall back into the frailty of my desires:
I am impure now
contain more death potential than ever before
increasing every day
how can I be clean again? to be taken and born and raised again?
that chapter must be over
it has to be
that's innocence lost
why are those dreams still there?
perhaps like the dream of ever having a lover
or a comfortable home:
ideals towards working for
that will never be fully achieved
imperfect life always motivated in refinement
ideal forever ahead, no matter how much work...
oh, the tiredness and struggle
... easy and clean and simple also such a myth...
other thoughts from yesterday