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January 11th, 2005

landing in the desert @ 11:59 am

airplane cough

felt very tired
even kinda nauseous
which i don't usually get on airplanes...


but i was very happy to be back in tucson
even in a tired kinda way

my friend Dan had to circle round the airport about five times til all my bags came in
.. i did a couple of laps with him

when we got back
i got to see the beautiful amazing sunset
"pink meat" he said

the wind blowing
the cactus...

in the south-west part of town...
i've never stayed out here
very strange...

the night settled in with conversation
fire in the chemania

feeling self conscious
feeling dark

it got cold, quick
i put on the franciscan habit Leo made a long time ago
washed, shrunk; gave to me

two other guys showed up
one very tall
had his stomach cut in half coz he was too fat and wanted to be thinner
(oh great)
he sits down and starts grilling me
pressing questions on me
but questions like
"oh, so you're not afraid of anything, hugh? what are you afraid of?"
which i've been getting asked a lot lately
so i've been thinking of it
but there was no context to this conversation
so what was i supposed to say?
the entirety of existence?

on the fifth time
i tried to get him to give me context
and he started "asking" questions
that was basically him telling me that he had me all figured out:
i was running away from everything
i was dressed like this coz i was scared of people
and i wanted people to stay away from me
but when people actually did meet me they found i was really nice

which is great and everything
but wrong
-- i've never worn the habit outside of the hermitage
i brought it with me on this trip as a turtle shell ( a traveling comfort-zone )

he tells me he's trained in psychoanalysis

he says
maybe if i cut my hair and trimmed my beard
people would like me

i try and explain to him
that i don't what people to like me for looking like everyone else
there are plenty of people who look like everyone else
i specifically like looking different
and want people to like me for who i am
not for being one and the same of the great masses of Yes-saying.

i realize he's a fool
as the night goes on
i mostly ignore him
but find
when i am talking with him
i'm being mean:
"well, my hands and feet have been cold since the surgery"
(he got half of his stomach cut out so he could lose some weight)
'yeah, if you start torturing your body you should expect it to revolt against you.'
he stares at me
' maybe you should consider walking, and eating differently... or you could be buhlemic..'
i try and keep my mouth closed
and that is the whole problem with today
i'm saying things that are pretty violent
even though i'm not saying them with that intent or intonation
the reality of the message is one of invasion and injury

i've done it a few times

why do i keep acting like i'm tired tired tired?

i must be tired tired tired
and no amount of supplemental rest is going to take care of it
certainly not when i'm awake at midnight like now
when i should be sleeping
coz i'll get disturbed to consciousness before i sleep for 8 hours
on a couch?
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Date:January 12th, 2005 10:29 pm (UTC)
I hate being stuck with people who try and project their own shit on me. I try--oh I try--to ignore them, but often fail. Sigh. You're the perfect you. And unfortunately for that guy, he is nowheres near the perfect him.
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Date:January 17th, 2005 06:15 am (UTC)
Yeah, it just caught me off gaurd
it wasn't so bad
i was just operating on that "he's a friend of a friend, he's gotta be a good guy"
i try not to take too quick judgements
it made me sad more than it annoyed me
but the Gall to project his shit on me is what made me respond how i responded
reading now
wasn't really as bad as i thought it was at the time...

i've seen him a few times since
made one small comment to him about that night
and haven't talked with him since...

there are plenty of other people in the world
who can deal.

( i wrote this two days ago but didn't like it, didn't send... but will now: just to have the say)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:January 12th, 2005 10:33 pm (UTC)
he says
maybe if i cut my hair and trimmed my beard
people would like me

I've been getting that, or at least a version of that, for twenty years or more. There are many ways to parse it, but they all reflect on the person making the comment and have nothing to do with its presumed recipient.

i try and explain to him
that i don't what people to like me for looking like everyone else...

That's close to my philosophy. With me it's a rejection of the triumph of iconography. Well, that and I just like being able to sit on my braid.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:January 17th, 2005 06:48 am (UTC)
well, obviously
i hear this all the time

and it doesn't bother me all that much

... especially when i can write about it!

amazingly enough
being "in the bear community" again this weekend
shows me just how "strange" it is for me to look this way here
it kinda freaks a lot of people out
and becomes OK only after they have expressed their nevousness about it

in enjoyment of being whoever we are
we often have difficulties fitting into boxes and groups, eh?

glad to hear from you
still haven't seen you in the USA yet!

tell me when you're coming out west again


(i can only hope that my hair grows long enough for me to sit on it someday...)
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Date:January 18th, 2005 04:38 pm (UTC)
glad to hear from you
still haven't seen you in the USA yet!

I was link-surfing to divert myself at work when I came upon the pictures of the folks who'd be attending the event in Phoenix. From there I found your current web presence. I thought I'd drop a note but it seemed smoother to comment on a livejournal entry, just to say that I'm here.

tell me when you're coming out west again

I'm well due for a trip to SF. There are plans for one in June (for an old friend's wedding), but I may just come out for a few days sooner than that. I'll let you know, although from reading your journal it's not clear where you will be in a few months time.

In any case, I'm here on livejournal.

Date:January 13th, 2005 03:49 am (UTC)

this is a test

will jacob be able to manage to post an anonymous comment?
Date:January 13th, 2005 05:37 am (UTC)

Forsooth, we *like* you as well as *love* you for who you are, the way you are--whether follicularly enhanced (my preference) or follicularly challenged (thems some freaky pix of you, belovèd one.)

Be well. And ignore the shithead.

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Date:January 13th, 2005 06:08 am (UTC)
You're a gorgeous man, have fabulous hair and I wouldn't let somebody who's had their body mutilated because they're not happy with it to bother me if I were you. I don't know you, but from what I've read here and on your site, you sound as "together" as anybody anywhere. Folks tell me to cut my hair, and ain't no way!
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Date:January 13th, 2005 07:43 am (UTC)
*hug* welcome

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