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February 3rd, 2011

Fun! @ 10:33 pm

I really miss having fun
I'm so dragged out
it's so hard to have fun
when you're friend is dying
I wish he'd die already
so we could have fun again

onward with the slow living!
onward with the waiting
more fucking hand-wringing
and passing by the beauty
with friend's un-enabling joy

"I was a Hater in the depths of emotional hibernation"

more drinking
and blinking out

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Date:February 4th, 2011 07:49 am (UTC)
I know you are like thinking that,l what you said in this post, and all but is putting such a self aggrandizing un-supportive thought out on the interwebs, well, is that
the best idea ? does it not make you look a bit too self-involved and un-caring ?
I mean I know that's certainly not the case and all, but that's how these 16 lines of prose maybe come across...
You love 'em or you hate 'em....
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 4th, 2011 08:35 am (UTC)
In my F list the post came right beneath a memorial for someone who just died.
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Date:February 5th, 2011 03:13 am (UTC)


Leo always makes references to some John Water's movie where the Devine (i think) character is screaming about having an abortion because there is this thing GROWING in her robbing her of all the FUN she deserves to be having.

i'm not someone who often desires to have FUN. i enjoy it when it happens... but don't try to manufacture it.

this post was written after a two week trip where i was caring for him the most intensely i have since i got here
he was suffering every day
and i was doing most of the work
and having to put aside most of the things i wanted to do in order to care for him
and more importantly
just be present to him

we'd just driven through very beautiful countryside
where i would have loved to have got out and hiked around
enjoyed it
i hate being in cars for the most part, so that entire aspect was making me unhappy
and i was missing my home, my friends, my freedom and my life.

we'd just checked into a hotel where he promply made a cocktail
downed it
and was half way through another
i'd drank half a pint of german beer
and he was watching TV
flicking through stations spastically and complaining about how inane everything was

i love and appreciate him
but chose not to be his partner a long long time ago
and though i love him and feel obligated to be here to help him in the ending of his life
i miss MY life

my blog isn't about making me appear anything that i'm not
i do my best to be as honest as i can

this is a new experience for me
and as soon as we walked out the door and the cool night air hit me
i was ashamed i had posted it
and obsessively checked facebook so i could delete it as soon as it cross-posted onto my wall
but felt i should leave it on here just to see what response (if any) i got here.

there is the annotation.

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