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November 25th, 2010

the boy who's a thorn in your side @ 01:02 am

i have to sit back and listen to some music
something familiar
but i turn on New Order.
the first song of their's that ever settled in my head/heart
"regret"
but it's a half hour before i return to my blank page

it seems like years since i've been able to type at a computer
and it mostly is
i'm trying to ease back into it
i somehow lost the ability
getting far too distracted by anything in the 10,000 windows
39 of the 40 nights gone wasted

i was brushing my teeth and thought:
"i'm settled in here
this is what it is
i know it
and i am set to endure it
but i am not experiencing any joy about anything at this point
everything feels like a heavy foot lifting
tired
up hill
in the snow
all that shit

i'm here to help
not to say there is nothing to do
like every moment in my adult life
there is far too much to do
stifling my head
shallowing my breath
a moment of apprehension
then spending the rest of my days trying to catch up to that lost breath

the reason
to say The
well…
a reason i stopped traveling
stopped traveling
got some shoes of my own
my name on a lease
keys to my own room

days to set my own pace
find my own steps
and have my own life

in every man i ever met
like the one i was born into
i crashed into their lives
completely Other
but with nothing to show for it
an no name to come
i have just been at odds
stuck in the middle of Their reality
their friends
their truths
their reality
of which i have a completely different understanding than they do
no connection to
and no task in
but to be ridiculed for living in their world incorrectly
(yes, i know, i know)
to be offended by their day to day
and to offend them whenever i make pronouncements about my experience
then feel bruised that the door of love is closing between us...

oh, i gave that up
along with the rest of the world
to satisfy my waning patience
but here i am again
with an invisible death card
held awkwardly
perhaps behind his back
impossible to forget
but not in play right now
still
it keeps me here
and with good reason

but that's clear to me as well
as i've been able to see so many other relationships in my life
that once i learned the magic of Compassion
i was locked in a simmering pot
how many times has this happened
feeling like i'm being treated like shit
but i completely understand
the strain they are under is just sparking off at me
and no matter how much pain they inadvertently cause me
communicating that to them will not help the situation at all
just make it worse
in giving them more stress
in their already over-blown situation

so here's me
getting stomped on

so venting

but i'm tired of this now
distracted
why i never write anything anymore at the desk
how am i going to surpass that?
be in the present
experience just what is
what is what is
just want to be present to what's happening
and enjoy it
eat it
drink it
nourish it with my being
and be nourished with it

ave i been so damaged by the computer i can no longer focus on anything longer than a few minutes?
how do i undo that?
where is the healing for that?

there are so many books i want to read
so many movies i'd like to watch
too many moments of shadows moving over a sunny field
too many ideas to flesh out. write. arrange.
too many moments of yoga and meditation and
presence
i need…

i need gratitude


hm.
i'll get back to you on that one.
 
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