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November 8th, 2010

here I am @ 03:10 am

What am I doing with him?

all these icons an idols

his reality
I don't understand
but it has form
mine goes on infinitely in any direction
even though I view his as King of the Knockoffs... it has form

but what was he thinking?
what can any of you be thinking?

Jesus walked amongst the Nazerites and they dismissed him a Glutton and a Drunkard
he appealed to them, saying, "You dismissed John(the Baptist) even though he came to you fasting... you criticize too much and hear nothing"

but to eat meat at every meal
and not think of each of the lives he was complicit in taking
to have the rest of his teeth pulled on his fourtieth birthday to not have to worry about them anymore
"when I finally replaced my temporary set they were mostly made of crazy glue"
I never knew

but he can't bend his legs to clean the floor
born with shitty teeth and knees and feet?
five years of constant psoriasis!
twenty years of slow-growing cancer...

wouldn't you try to stay young?
or did it slip away without you noticing?
too far in the distance to even think of reclaiming it by the time you noticed it
gone...

' i just want to be young til I die! '
I said
"you'd better die young, then"
he mumbled as he wandered into his room

his legs are sore tonight
' what part? '
"my knees... and ankles, and the part between my knees and ankles.. and my hips... and the part between my hips and knees..."
' did you do your yoga today? '
"oh yeah, of course. I had it on my oatmeal this morning. finished it up. bought a new gallon tub of it at the grocery outlet today"
' and is that shot just dead congealed milk with fruit pectin in it? '
"oh no. it's all natural. it says right on the side it's got all that crap in it. says FILLED WITH ALL THE CRAP... modified food starch and gum agar..."
' guar? '
"no, I wouldn't buy that shit... it list all the germs it has in it. the good crap. active..."

I sat back and looked at the candles above his bed
the wooden cross
silver INRI
silver sad dead man on it
then an icon
some saint
across: a little doll in a dress: baby Jesus
in the other corner
virgin Mary
and opposite her
some other icon

' what am I doing with you? '
as I fondled his dick with my toes
unable to suck it for years now with out getting sick
terrible throat infection with a fever for days
stopped trying two years ago. swore it off.
but it was stiffening and I was tempted
I kissed it
and drew back quickly
it tastes, smells and feels like the greasy rind of some german cheese

how do you get that old?
so neglectful of your body?
your house?
your temple?
worshiping some old dead man?

Jesus tried to save everyone's life
Daddy-God knew about wiping out entire populations
he did it all the time
maybe I'm Jewish.. I agree more with God... though I appreciate the compassion Jesus introduced... I'm not sure it's served us well...
oh, I like my iPhone and stuff, thanks for progress, but I'm a little nervous of the weeds in our garden, the untrimmed paths and orchards unpruned


we were talking about the man I'd met at the springs last week
another Daniel

"I used to know what that name meant.."
he said
"the -el referring to something of the Lord.."
like Israel.. the name given to Jacob after wrestling with the angel all night... who was just a stand in for God. yeah... the -el is specifically about God
Israel is One Who Struggles With God.
Ah. That explains a lot.
I wrestle with angels all the time...
what about the other Angels?
oh yes
Michael: Who is the one like God?
Gabriel: The Power... or Strength of God
Raphael: The Healing of God
yeah... what about Uriel?
oh, he was a bit part. not even mentioned in the new testament and barely in the old... no one knows anything about him... the idea of ArchAngels is pretty new anyhow, just to create synergy with the four Evangelists...
and the four horsemen and the four elements and the..,
yeah

so I looked it up
Daniel
ORIGIN: proper name, Hebrew, lit. "God is my judge;" related to Dan, lit. "he who judges," the tribe descended from Jacob's son of that name in O.T.

my dictionary doesn't have Uriel though
I kissed him good might and went to wash my face off

how can I Judge him?
little Lion
lives how he damn well wants to
how can I judge you?

I can't.
I can brush my teeth and try to keep them healthy
use a mouthwash a russian lady taught mr to make... mixed with something I bought
I can do yoga
take deep breaths
fast periodically
get enough sleep
or not
eat organic
or not
reduce, reuse, recycle

I can learn how to love and be loved
not die alone


I can...

I can read to him from Edmund White's books
we can talk about the past
and the things we'd like to remember
for other people to remember
and avoid the shadows of death and sufferings
with another sip of wine

i don't know what I'm doing here
I don't know anything

there: by the grace of god
or gods
or will
or whim
I am




.iP
 
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