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Vertical Prose

October 26th, 2010

I've gone through the gamut to get to gratefulness @ 02:10 pm

I've gone through the gamut to get to gratefulness
but tonight
that is what I feel

I am grateful that Leo is well now
same old Leo
but for less hours a day
he cooks
he eats
I read to him
he sleeps
we drink some wine
this is what we do
it's how he is

and soon will I have to wipe is chin? his ass?
put a pillow over his face?

I have to let him have his death

by the time we got here I was already hating him
Venus retrograde
all those old grievances
everything he said was in defense
slight insults

I got up here and all I saw was the neglect
the filth
oh! what depth the neglect!

yesterday I felt disgust
I felt horrible
and when I lay down in bed I could not sleep
just like the last week in NYC
I was very unsettled
and played with my devices til 1 am
trying to write. unable to start. trying to watch tv/movie. unable to engage. not horny, but turning to porn to distract my mind... which worked
and I tried to keep it spinning with SD for a while... eventually came and used it as the common exit into sleep
I woke tired and achy
still a bit pissy
but that quickly faded
I came again to the same thing later in the day
and cleaned the place up a bit
eventually finding compassion and appreciation

to have this time
interview him
to see and listen

so it has been these many months
going through anger at/with him
letting it go

I don't even feel this writing is necessary now
of course I want to record everything
hold on to the scraps of him

but I must sleep

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Date:October 27th, 2010 05:56 am (UTC)


hi dominic.
just letting you know, i'm still around if at any point you want a break. we're screening a fun film at the school on thursday. friday night there's a lecture in berkeley on hauntology, and i forget what is happening saturday ... but there's always something we can do or avoid doing. no pressure to meet up, just reminding you that the invitation is open. caretakers need care too. all the best to you.

Vertical Prose