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October 20th, 2010

so, what's happening? @ 09:30 pm

so, what's happening?

everything is a success
life is moving along wonderfully
there are beasts with teeth in all the shadows
but so it goes
and how goes it?

Last year I flew to Indiana
to have a few days there on my own
in a rental car
old friends
and daddy bears
then to surprise my mother on her 60th birthday
at her work
she didn't know I was there

I forgot her birthday this year
and so
she was very ill
my mind's in pieces

my best friend is dying

I went to Ireland last year with my mother
brother, sister
we were there a week
I was the hero of her story
my siblings weren't so enthralled

I intended to make a book of some of the thousand pictures I took
I couldn't seem to focus on it
keep my hands on the keyboard
and off myself

I returned and drove upstate with two bitchy old queen alcoholics
Lake George
the colours were spectacular
their psyches like mosquitoes

I returned and set about planning my next trip:

return to Ireland on my own
rent a house
or flat
stay a month..

the over to Berlin to stay at Patrick's new place
for a month

then down to Cairo
to stay at the beddouin's


I was learning about home
of course
a friend
who used to be a lover
and has never been a good friend
pointed out my flaw to me

it only took a few days of mulling that
that I instead decided to have a new Adventure
and not leave Home
Stay Home
be Grounded

I am a character obsessed by transformation
I have
wanted to burst forth
with wings

I keep crawling
that's what it is
the tedious pace of the quotidian

but that was exciting
some door opening
more opportunities
just present to
no great progress on the front of love
happily, or not, settling into the mundane

I was speaking with one of my house sitters last night
admitted that one of my Goals had been to learn to choose

in that
most of my life I've merely acted in what was available
and had little control to stop myself

if there was a chocolate bar
have to eat it all in just one sitting
entire pint of ice cream
all doritos and dr pepper childhood
take what was available

in my years of living rural
I was at peace
for lack of options
but when I came into the cities
I would gorge myself on my desires
pizza, sex, gelato...

I had forgotten
but noticed last night
I rarely eat pizza now
though I still love it
and often have uneaten pints of gelato in my freezer

the lust is wearing off

I'm hoping this will allow the concentration to birth the fruits of my imaginations and passions

I was settling into studying music with my manic mystic
teaching yoga with my bears
and following my pace through my days

all interrupted by death
so I got back from Lake George last year October 19th
though I had other plans
Leo has always been the top of my SpeedDial
ever since I had one
He's not just a Daddy Bear
he's my Father Figure
my Father
Father Leo+

I flew out, today, the day after my full year of not traveling

only one-day car trips
never away more than a night

now I'll be gone for many months
at the Hermitage
walking the ghost
Ireland... Berlin... Cairo...

I have no idea what this will be like
I hope I learn how to cry
I hope I write his memoirs
I hope I follow his soul to see where it goes

I imagine starting my own business
Thanatos Inc
come be with you while you're dying
record your life
or just help you let go of it

the plane doors are opening now
time to step into the light


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[User Picture Icon]
Date:October 21st, 2010 09:14 am (UTC)
fr. leo joseph of the little portion hermitage ?
whassup ??
Date:November 13th, 2010 03:16 pm (UTC)


Where can I see pictures and read about you in Ireland? Where did you go there?
I'm 100% Irish although my families have been in America since 1854. We've created our own kind of Irishness over here, which is interesting, but I want to know about your impressions of Ireland, especially about its men.
I was in Dorchester, Massachusetts (which used to be an Irish neighborhood and still is--a little) yesterday and after I got off the subway at the JFK/UMass station and walked down to the earth I saw a man walking across the highway. He looked like a gray and strawberry blond, curly haired, stocky Irish farmer in his 50s, scruffed up in work clothes with rust patches on them. He had that beautiful Irish redcheeked complexion and light colored intense eyes.
He was carrying loops of heavy coils on his shoulder and they were obviously weighing him down. He dropped them on the grass in front of the subway station. He walked ahead of me with long farmer like strides (he could have been wearing Wellington boots, but he wasn't) to the Shaws' supermarket parking lot and tried out the shopping carts---to transport the coils which I now decided must be copper ( It's going for a lot of money these days at junk yards) he had ransacked from some derelict building.
All the shopping carts had that device that renders them immobile when pushed outside of the parking lot, a yellow catch on one wheel. He tried three, carts then angrily left the last one in the middle of the sidewalk.
When I returned the coils were no longer on the grass. God bless him!

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