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June 15th, 2010

32.13 @ 03:39 am




oh
here's the crux
it's 3am
and I'm preparing for sleep
i've felt good all day
everyone who I talked with on the phone said how much better I sounded

but I did wake up with a chest that felt full of sand
and decided to get some antibiotics

I haven't taken them yet.

my mother told me she'd had a similar illness in the winter that she
battled naturopatically for thee weeks before she took an antibiotic
which kicked it out right away
I've been dealing with this now a week and a half
and I'd like to wash my hands of it
but hate to put my body through a harsh shock of antibiotics if I
don't have to

much less coughing
much less phlegm
much less sinus stuff
oh, but still some
and not a little
compared to being healthy

am I on the mend
and getting better every day this week?
waxing like the fresh moon?
or should I take these pills
which will ensure I continue to feel shakey, feverish and shitty all
week
just to be sure I'll feel good next week

what a gamble
I've always been bad at gambling

do I tak the homeopathic treatment again tonight? or has that been
contributing to my illness as well?

I skipped it friday...

I've felt so much better all day today
not that I've used my time better
video games and flesh sites
but that isn't different than normal
which means I'm getting better!
?

I woke up this morning with stories about Our Military killing
puppies, herds of sheep, innocent bystanders
simply coz they could, were bored, had the power, were brain washed
and insane, were mistaken and killing had become too easy
easier than not

followed by
these people come home and become our police officers
psychopaths controlling our lives

followed by the oil in the gulf
and the arms on the flotilla

and really
I didn't want to be here
fuck this place
it's wacked
I want out
if I just let my body die
am I free to leave?

yeah, just like a kid again
I decided I had to do something about it
take some poison
to kill my killing self
to die my death wish
shake that cattarah of hopelessness from my heart for good
suffer some more to be free
and go on with living
it's what we do!
even when we lack the power to do it ourselves

oh
somewhere in the lost day
at the edge of my perception
(in the shadows; just out of earshot)
was my lover
not anyone I've talked with on the phone recently
all people who love me
(standing there rooting, holding a light, cheering "come back to life!
Live!")

somewhere
the potential
the imaginary friend
who made me dinner
when I forgot to eat
and suggested we go for a walk through the park
who rubbed my neck
and made mr tea

maybe we would have decided together
weighing the odds, the meanings, the consequences
if I should take that pill now

but I cheated on my video games
and continued to win on my own
I used those sites of hopeful communication
just for flesh, the voluptuous empty distraction
I stayed up far later than what would have been healthy for me
continuing to cancel life
(maybe even tomorrow I'll say "oh, sorry" and get out of another day...)

if I don't have faith in myself
(obviously unable to make my best decisions on my own)
and am certain I don't want to replace the lover with the doctor
BUT conceed it is best to continue with life
even though I am tasting mostly the foul
and feel I'm treading water in a dark endless bay at night
perhaps I should just take the pills
and continue to release my grip on my own fate
free will doing me fuck-all these days

mmmm
Gronlandic Edit
www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858624050/


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Y_cg1d0-mk&feature=youtube_gdata
.iP

 
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Comments

 
[User Picture Icon]
From:longhairbeard
Date:June 16th, 2010 07:45 pm (UTC)

bad for good

(Link)
Take your antibiotics Cub, they can't be as bad as what you are going through. cough, cough, cough in your messages lately are a cause for concern for all of us who read your journal. How much of this illness is contributing to your overall tired condition you will not know until you kill off those nasty bacteria. 'Hair' and ballet! only in NYC. Hope you have a wonderful time!
Bear hugs!
[User Picture Icon]
From:dominicvine
Date:June 17th, 2010 04:50 am (UTC)

Re: bad for good

(Link)
oh, I did. I am.
the bike ride was good, work my lungs, cough it out.
the ballet was a great experience... I'm glad to be here. thank you, hugs.

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