I told a friend today
I decided I wanted to live as an aging spinster

give up trying to be social
I'm bad at it anyway

occasionally make things
never marry
play video games
listen to music
watch movies
cease all sexuality
learn to knit
enjoy cooking for myself

well, that's what plans are like
I had this whole month planned with strenuous activity
but no

rest
sit here
move things around yourself, boy
lay around
no. just here.

so here I am
and I'm OK with that
it makes me feel like the last time I was like this
early puberty
before I found my place in the world
(wait? have I yet? not entirely, but obviously)

this solitude
before lonliness was ever understood
the life outside the windows
TV
people I could only imagine to meet
(sending me emails)

I am progressing
house cleaning
getting healthier
vascillating through hopeless fear
and peace and patience

life is living
this is part of it
thank you

.iP