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June 10th, 2010

32.8 @ 12:28 am

I'm cheating

I feel like I'm losing myself

I'm mired in the past
and don't know what to do with any of it

I've always felt like this

I don't care about anything anymore

cough cough cough cough cough

I've been listening to Arab Strap for hours

that's it!

I've been sorting through piles
it's the dust!

it's the Spice!

the world concerns me
white polish immigrants wearing black masks to rob banks in Ohio
(cough cough cough cough)
black boys (14,16) robbing a pharmacy in oaklahoma
gulf war veterant owns the place; shoots the 16 year old dead with one
shot to the head, misses the 14 y/o who was pointing a gun at him, who
then flees. man chases him but is fat and old. loses him. comes back
in and pumps 5 more rounds into the boy's body on the ground
for this they try him for murder
and the kid's family says that boy never woulda harmed nobody
and some older relatives of the 14 y/o came up with the idea of it
plus, the 14 y/o has only an IQ of 72
so it's the white war vetran shop owner's fault
coz they pointed a gun at him and his employees and wanted cash and
shouldn't killing be legal in these situations?
emotionally based. intellectually based. socialization. Come fucking on.

cough cough cough cough cough

not to mention oil spills and israel

cough cough cough

I watched the 2008 horton movie as well last night before I slept again
made me cry as well
still seemed like it was about abusing foreign countries to me
and fear of fascists
and middle American nightmares
complete with goth kid

cough cough

made miso soup today

watched Herman USA


watched some Tim and Eric


almost done with the living room

"if you live through this with me..."

it's obvious to me I don't want to be alone
I am incredibly irritable though
I hate myself(.) for how judgemental I am
wish I were unconditionally loving
but find it too much like white flour, white sugar: no substance, no
what's the point?

who will love this monster?

all the kaph-ites who just decide to and weather the storms like trees?

is that why I like them?

cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough

cough cough

I'm tired of coughing
I'm tired of hurting
I'm tired of hurting the one(s) I love
I'm tired of life alone
I'm sick of it
this exasperation is making me sick

that beautiful seatbelt commercial
embrace life
if you have a wife and kid
if you have a family to hold onto



"at least I'm not shitting blood again"
thanks Aidan

I'll go do some yoga in my cave

cough cough cough


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[User Picture Icon]
Date:June 10th, 2010 05:14 am (UTC)
The veteran went back in and shot that little boy's dead body. That's the problem. Why did he have to do that?

But other than that . . .I feel you.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:June 10th, 2010 05:29 am (UTC)

probably because he had PTSD and that little boy had just burst into his civilian livelyhoid where he had young women working the register
and those little boys threatened them all with guns to take their stock and capital
probably he had a fuck load of adrenaline running through his veins
and images of his friends or other people being blown to bits in nights of skies of fire in terrifying foreign climates while he was being used as a pawn in a war game by a greedy government that abused him and his peers without care as long as they could

he was probably letting off steam into the corpse of the "bad guy"
16 years old or not
you fuck with someone else's life and you sometimes forfeit your own
it's a gamble.

I don't see why that's even a question
that's why I'm infuriated
we live in such an insanely abusive and exploitive culture
I don't understand why people are continually shocked
and pretending it's all roses
[User Picture Icon]
Date:June 10th, 2010 06:09 am (UTC)
I get that the government abandons its veterans. I get that they are conditioned to be killing machines and then not given the support they need - mentally, emotionally, financially - to adjust back to civilian life. But people don't give a shit. For the kid or the veteran. Do you think that kid was just some greedy little terrorist? Something happened in his life, too. They are equally victims. Because no one really cares about either one of them.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:June 10th, 2010 06:21 am (UTC)
no one cared about either of them
now we care
now the family of the boy cares
now the man is on trial for murder
now we care about hati too
(or have we forgotten about them already? like those other earthquake victims in Italy... Pakistan)

I don't get it
the legal system
I don't get it

I usually just avoid it
but when I get a taste of it
it drives me mad

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