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December 19th, 2004

talking to myself about the future @ 03:47 pm



i was talking with him on the phone
expressing my fears...

i didn't want to create the same patterns
suffer through them again

we talked
gently dancing
in circles

eventually
it came up where i got him to express what he was feeling.. what he was needing..
and he was stressed
he was sad
like a lonely batchelor

what did he want and need?
he didn't need me to help him with his company..
he was going to pay someone for that

he needed me to cook for him
to be around him in a wonderful way

casting me for a play

"that wonderful man in my house"

who would be intimate with him
cuddle
fuck
cook dinner
do the dishes
have bright conversations and nice ideas

and i felt my head tilt like Mary

of course
i didn't wan this sweet friend of mine suffering lonliness
(lonliness brought on by the most common cause in america: working too hard to take care of yourself)

so i
once again
regained confidence to go live with him

play Mama, i guess
Mamma-house-wife

cook for him as i wanted him to be fed
care for him
but also give him his space to live as he needed to live

the whole context of it being a buiness relationship was a hoop he needed to make so it's feel ok to him

it wasn't love
it wasn't a lover

and he still had a raw wound in him from his lover who left him two years ago
he didn't want that

but he needed that hole filled...
needed to fill that hole, rather

needed to start nourishing himself

Yes
i could do that
i could by Vitamin L
yeah, sure
i'm really good at that


Leo got home shortly after i had got off the phone
fed myself
lay under blankets reading a book about learning the "cure" for AIDS

(just as a note, the book says AIDS is not caused by any germ... but by living Abusively: drugs, food, sex, whatever )


i decided i should play that role for Leo as well
yes! vitamin L!
YES

i cooked lunch for him
the type of food he likes to eat, of course
half-cooked steak and eggs..
he's an atkins baby

but while i was doing this
i realized that...

well
he ate
and i stared at him
and then got under the blankets
and started reading again

he wiped his chin
and said

"i hear Safeway is going to strike soon"

my instant response was

' while it's striking can we go over and burn it to the ground? '

he didn't respond

and in that silence i was
first
appreciative that it stopped the conversation

and then curious as to why i said that..

often
when Leo starts talking with me about Things
i respond in some psychopathic way

why?

because it's insane..

i mean
he talks about things that don't really interest or concern him
-- he never shops at Safeway ... makes a point about it
why would it concern or interest him about the strike?
what would the conversation had lead to but him angrily talking about how injustly the workers are being treated?
and not that he woudl Do anything about it
and we both know how crappy corporations are
why waste breath?
rather, why focus energy on enervating bullshit?

cut it with absurd soultions


hate, sit and seethe in hate for a moment..


yesterday
i was talking with someone about that silliiness:
unrequited love
"i'm not doing it anymore!"
he said

i explained
' but it's safe! we foster these relationships to let us have the intense feelings of love and lust and longing without ever needing to really face all the domestic boredom AND satisfaction of coming to peacefuly rest in a relationship '

and then i started getting absurd again
(unhappiness; depression... fosters such bubbling over)
' besides, it's like magnets... the best way to get someone to really like you and want you is to ignore them or hate them...
a negative charge attracts a positive charge '

pattern
flop flop flop
like a popped tire
down the highway
shredding...



i'm not sleeping well here
while i'm here with him


wait
let me get back to my point

i'm obviously creating bad medicine with relationships
unfortunately
that's all i can say
even with my best of intentions
"to make life better for these people that would other wise be lonely"
or
"to keep people from being lonley"
it's bullshit
and i'm obviously well tired of the role

what's more important?
that i start taking care of myself
make myself less lonely

i've been hungering these last few (mercury retrograde in sagitarius) weeks
for music lessons
piano
guitar?
for language classes
for walking streets
for sitting and reading my books uninterrupted...

dreams of working on the farm are fading...

so many of my desires are so unbalanced.. when they concern someone else

and mine for myself?
it's been a long time since i've just been completely self-satisfying
perhaps i just need to do that

new course
fuck the relationship shit
(you're a gemini honey... oh, sorry, a progressed cancer... right, mmmmm)


more important:
go get an apartment in the city

which city?
does it matter?

i like Europe better
but i can't go live in europe
coz i can't make money there
well
not how i'm doing it currently
i should go live in an american city first

take my language courses
hang out with artists
take classes to get certified to teach english as a second language
learn to play an instrument again

sit still for a while
THEN i can go
i will be equipted to make SOME money

 
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