- i was a very sickly child
as a child
i was often beat upon by other children
my brother, my father... my "friends"
and people i didn't really know
-- i remember being spit on by a kid i didn't know as he passed me in the halls
i was sick a lot
was it because i was weak?
or was i making myself weak to be sick so i could be away from these people?
sick so i couldn't work with my dad out in the barn..
the cycle progressed when i hit puberty
though i had rejected the yearning for love i had
turned it around to hate and anger at all those who abused and did not love me
which made me a stronger person...
the strength was build on the weakness; the sickness
this all cumulated at the age of 15
when my "lover" of the time rejected me
i'd been "with him" for about two years
... he was a teacher AND a born again baptist
and i was underage
the whole thing is a set up of danger, yes...
so when he finally did back out of my life
(and not in a mature way of explaining to me, but just retreating silently)
i turned more heavily to drugs (mostly marijuana... but also cigarettes, coffee, caffiene and ephidrine pills, etc..)
i slept very little
and mostly ate pies and twizzlers and doritos
: empty shit food
the combination of no nutrition, drug abuse and so much anger/hatred
spiralled me out of control
and by the age of 16 i was VERY sick
all the time
week after week
a new list of complaints...
i was studying Biology and every new disease i heard of i quickly manifested
quietly hoping for death..
like when my mother would tell me not to go out walking the country roads at night
for fear i would be kidnapped, raped and murdered
i would sneak out
in hope of the very same thing
it wasn't til i took Acid for the first time that i became openly suicidal
and my health slid even further down
during this whole year my mother subjected me to
EMT, Chiropractors, Acupuncturists, Reiki, Oseopaths, Cranial Ostepaths, and psychologists...
when all else failed
she sent me to a standard MD and he took my blood work
and when i went to see him for the results
(this was in 1995)
he told me i had AIDS
my entire immune system had shut down
but i didn't have the HIV
so they didn't really know what to do for me
He offered to put me on a range of drugs to kill all the bacterial plaguing my body
but i declined
thinking myself dead.
i told one of my friends at the time
who grew up with RN parents
and he told me
"you don't have AIDS... you just don't want to be alive and you're too lazy to slit your writs so you're just trying to Let yourself die"
which was true
but really pissed me off
it was nice to have a label to attatch to my pain
instead of just admitting it was ME, just me.
two weeks later i was at a party
and took LSD (blotters) for the second time
as the party wound down
and i was still very up
i went off with my best female friend at the time, Sheridan
and we found a little Forest-ette
climbed down in the stream
in all the dirt and greens and water
just sitting there talking in the dawn...
something happend in that night
that crystalized with Sheridan and Nature
: i was making these choices.. and if i didn't want that outcome
i could make others..
so i set about doing so
after that night
i stopped being sick.
and i stopped going to doctors.
at this point
i get sick just about "normal"
which mean, a few times a year
the ills don't last long
and it's fairly easy for me to look at myself and see how i'm unbalanced
and understand that's why i'm sick.
i just finished reading a book called
"Roger's Recovery From AIDS"
by Bob Owen PhD
first published in 1987
it's the first time that i've read anything that said pretty much the same thing about AIDS that i learned in my experience:
it is caused by abuse
physical, emotional, chemical, nutritional...
the over-flow of negativity.. neglect
culminating in the body's response of just Dying...
the book says it's the basic cause of all ills
Cancer, Arthritis, Heart problems, etc...
the drugs we do... the sleep we miss, the shit food we eat
and the way we think of ourselves, what we project and what we receive
(Like Andy Kaufman getting lung cancer from eliciting such hatred and frustration from thousands of people)
the book also talks about how the Medical Industry is a Money Machine and likes keeping people ignorant and dependant in order to profit.
i agree with all these things
and it makes me very sad to think of all the people who have lost loved ones to AIDS
or those who feel like they are struggling with HIV
taking their poisonous meds...
they don't want to change their lives
they just want to keep doing the same destructive things all the time
and take pills to keep them from feeling it
the book talks about how this patient survived, recovered and became healthy again
a long period of fasting and rest
the ceasing of his abusive patterns
and follow up of eating healthy, vital, nourishing foods
(sprouts, fresh fruits and vegetables, nuts and seeds, etc...)
most people don't want to live like that
i like that!
i like eating a kebab from time to time
a nice lamb curry occasionally
but i could eat like that all the time...
but what troubles me is
i don't know how to change my emotional patterns
i don't attract people to me who are emotionally balanced
or i throw them off if they are
i notice over and over how i re-create nasty emotional cycles and pitfalls
and have to drop myself into void... free fall... in order to rest and recover
so hard to walk in balance..
so difficult to learn to naturally stand with squared hips...
equal weight on both legs..
it all spirals around a central point i don't know how to get into
and live from
in my healthy ideal..
to another point of interest to me...
i have a friend ( a few, actually, but this one ) with HIV
he's had it forever
and rarely gets sick
he eats lots of rich foods, drinks lots of wine, loves his pot
loves being fisted
and also getting enemas, high colonics
he doesn't fast, he uses that route, OK
he also eats lots of vital foods too
and keeps himself nutritionally fit with research and suppliments
doesn't take "drugs"
he offered to give me HIV once.
i was reading on a web site
about an 18 year old who really really really wanted to get fucked bareback by a POZ top
he said "i don't have a death wish, i just really want a shot of that charged cum"
and i wondered what charge it was he wanted...
i don't really fear viruses and bacteria
i have my own theories about them
mostly metaphorical is how they interest me
but what is HIV?
i know i did a lot of reasearch on it in my mushroom period
and found HIV to be like a circle
that is, there was no differientation from the end to the beginning
so it was incredibly powerful
more like a function... a WAY... than a message
so if it were inscribed with "death" it would be very powerful..
but my fisting friend here
he uses his for sexual appetite
(as i know many do)
he wants sex all the time
even when his eyes are poping out of his head and he's moaning like a bull
drooling from the mouth, cum pouring from his dick
it's not enough
he just wants more
no end, no begining
just keep it up.
i don't want that, though
or do i?
i don't think so
HIV has never been made attractive to me
but is it really so scary?
the book has a quote on the back of it form some other doctor
"HIV does not cause AIDS, it's nothing more than a harmless little hitchhiker along for the ride"
i wish there was Somewhere we go could...
i wish it was on TV
"if you have questions that you really want to be answered in the most honest of ways... make a pilgramige to... or visit our web site.."
but everything is built on lies and fear
money mongering, political weight, buying into myths, emotional damage...
no no no
i know there is love here..
i know the place to go for those answers in inside
or up to god.. whatever your route...
but it's like a language most of us can't speak...
and taking hallucinogens has been a way for me to be translated into understanding
i keep wondering if it is time to do it again
it most certainly seems like it is
though a friend said i shouldn't do it alone...
thinks thats dangerous for me
that i have a habit of saying "oh, i can do it alone"
when really i should find someone i love and trust to accompany me
when i feel like i don't have that
and am afraid of it
i don't know what to do