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March 10th, 2010

you're so intense! @ 06:44 pm

you're so intense!

I have a regular client right now
it's been rare for me
because I was always traveling or too expensive
but right now I have a guy who comes every week and pays for an hour
but we're usually together nearer three
we hang out and talk and I massage him and teach a bit of my style and he massages me
so I've got pretty comfortable with him and today we had a conversation that surprised me
not in the subject
but in the style

I noticed it had been a Long time since I'd had a conversation like this
but yet it was how I used to be all the time
when people would often describe me as being intense
or... too intense.

now a days
I usually just back down
drop it
let it go
still, I know I have a tendency to say harsh and direct things
as well as entirely inapropriate comments or subjects
my filters are arranged arbitrarily
so it's easy for me to ignore them

as I said today
I'm not a person who believes in right and wrong... or Truth
I understand their functions and the like
but I see them all as optional
of course
to belong to a society one has to adhere to its laws
but seeing that I've always felt outside of every society
the best I've come to is understanding and following the rules to stay in the flow
though they are not in my nature nor in my heart to do so
it is a great effort sometimes
to remember all the things people are supposed to know innately
and to Live them!
because I lack these basic understandings and often find them to be against my own inner guidance
I have always had to know Why responses and ideas are required in cetain situations
the Why is important to pull them off correctly
lacking that
it's just exhaustive bad fakery

I remember now, speaking in yoga terms, I've always kept my root chakra pretty toghly closed
being open there let's all these innate understandings just flow in
but I lack trust of the greater society
being abused by it as I was in my youth
I still see mostly the way we humans abuse and exploit eachother
the loving I often forget
out of sight out of mind
so I fear opening into the common root for fear of being a pawn in the bigger picture

my, how I digress
but today's conversation included such gems as
"remove the stigma of going to prison
it's just an institution like school you have to earn your way into and prepares you, directly or not, for your character in life"

he said he couldn't follow me there
though I was presenting it as an idea to entertain, not a truth
some people just can't lift out their truths... which is standard and healthy
I learned how through practicing schizophenia via Gilles Deluze...

in talking about ending my own identity as a victim at the age of puberty and saying any set of victims could also choose to do that
he also couldn't follow

society has always been comprised of a small sect of powermongers who direct order and drive the greater body of slaves
when the slaves realize that each of their individual selves is more powerful than those who rule them
and they are certainly greater in number
then choose to act on it
tgat is called "revolution"


perhaps we are two different types of people
as I look at history and have no faith in our rulers
he still thinks it's worth it to follow their laws and if we could all follow their laws then everything would work properly and we'd all be happy

but we are not made, I believe
to follow the laws of another man
but to follow our own

perfection is never to be reached
yet the flow is directed by our consensus




.iP
 
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