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February 4th, 2010

just bitching about my perceptions @ 10:48 am

a few days go... Tuesday
I was walking through Cobble Hill
looking at the copious Mexican joints
the bookstore
the great healthfood store
awesome bakeries
wide selection of Asian restaurants...
the buildings and streets looked nice too
Yeah... my friends want me to move to Brooklyn
and I'd be a much happier consumer here, Yeah...

I went to give that massage
and came out into the beautiful snow
walking over to Bergen street on Court
I passes three couples
all with thick black-framed glasses on at least one of the two
cute little beanies
or conspicuously bad hair cuts...

Oh yes, that's why I don't live here: I would have to walk past these people every day!

why do I have such an allergic reaction to them?
any place I go in the city where I see a uniform fashion irks me

hipster and rich-bitch styles are the hardest for me, though

these kids
with their Specifically bad hair cuts, clunky glasses, overly cute ill-fitting clothes
overly cute or garishly taseless in a thrift-store kinda way

I don't understand their world in any celebratory way
I'm all condemning
to me, it feels like the same aesthetic as Palace Music strikes me as

you have no rythm
can't hold a pitch, voice cracks
but you can write songs
so write songs accentuating your flaws

so self conscious!
the way they dress
saying " I'll never be pretty/handsome so I'll be awkward/cute on purpose in a loud sort of way to let people know I'm not ashamed of being myself"

am I ashamed of being myself?
I'm obvioulsy loud about who I am?

no no, it's that quality of loud-individuality (which calls attention to itself in an uncomfortable yet proud way) that conforms to such an over-used style.

like the rich-bitches (no details needed) who look like that to say they are rich... instead of wearing high-coture
which would say the same thing
but better: more true, less trite, more interesting.

what would I rather see?
quiet handsome style like Dominicans?
I guess ostentatios black style has never bugged me because I have never been a part of it (I did the hipster thing when I was 14... which is another reason: I've been over-it since I was 16... I wish they were)
and though there are a few signifyers I find tired and absurd (the stickers from the measuring tape on the hat: really clever when I first saw... now that everone needs to wear it I kinda hate it)
( to make a point, random black guy wearing one of those stickers gets on the train "singing along" to his iPod loud enough for everyone to hear, saying Nigger over and over and over, pussy-ass nigger... something something... but he's just saying it loud and flat like a robot repeating with no passion...)

I'm all in a gripe about people aiming at being individuals in a completely conformist sort of way
like "coming out" or "in" to your true self is just a matter of changing boxed personalities pulled off the shelf.

I put a profile on dudesnude
which I used 7 years ago or so
don't remember when or why I deleted my profile
but hadn't used it in years
friends of mine (in Brooklyn! those same friends! but they have their own unique, comfortable &/ interesting styles) both told me how they liked it better than manhunt, which I abhor, so I thought i'd try it.

just over a week after putting it up
I'm over it!
it's only been about 10% sexy and fun for me
my main pic has been viewed 14,000 times
i've already got near 200 messages
and most of them are from people with no profiles
or skinny young bottoms who say something like "hi, you're hot" or "I kinda like the beard..."

so I'm already coming from a place of annoyance
and I get some message from a couple in Virginia
beautiful hot huge-hung shaved muscle boys
they look like porn stars
oh, late 30's
so they are past their boy stage
what's next?
hot, thanks for the hit
why am I irritated?

ubiquitous style

another similar message from a hot guy in WeHo
a few from SF

saying " it's so cool you don't discriminate "
because in my profile I say I enjoy fat and old guys
they read me wrong

and it makes me feel like I'm angry at every person who's ever chosen to live in a gay ghetto
who lack enough imagination to di anything that isn't obvious
to even consider something outside of the mainstream might be of interest

even when they're finding themselves attracted to me

I guess that's why I used to like bear sites
before I started choking on the big chunks of unconscious SAME

I think that's why I like guys 50+ so much
it's more common amongst them that they've realized they can't package themselves as the perfect sex object so they HAVE to come up with something else or just let it go. give up. be who ever they are
which at least offers the oppurtunity of surprise and diversity...

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[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 4th, 2010 04:48 pm (UTC)
These hipsters of whom you speak do not exist here.
When I go to New York, they are like unicorns to me.
(no subject) - (Anonymous)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 5th, 2010 06:15 am (UTC)
I was saying the opposite
I find it more real
just as depraved
but, generally less(not entirely) artifical as far as presentation goes
I would live a profile site where people don't present profiles where they only show their good side
but give detailed examples of their flaws as humans in relationships
their triuphms and failures as lovers

that's certainly not silverdaddies
that site turns me on more than others
it's my type, however that happened

I've composed such a profile
though am not yet sure where to post it

I have been told by people who know me
it is also not true

so difficult to properly portray a person through words
Date:February 4th, 2010 06:39 pm (UTC)
Where's your compassion? They must feel so lost. They'll never know who they really are and they are running out of time. You sound like you hate them . . .but you seem like someone who would love them.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 5th, 2010 06:24 am (UTC)
there is no

I am reflecting self hatred
we are lost

I hate myself
I do my best

I struggle along in my way
taking the paths I find more than I create

I envy people who I perceive taking an easy route
yet succeding
I believe true living comes through suffering
and the purity distiller through the process of suffering
remnants of my childhood, past lives, or perceptions upon living

I may be using this
as many may have
to justify my own wallowing in failure, pain and delusion
but I am only aware it is what I am doing occasionally
and I have not yet figured how to make right actions based on my understandings
so I am yet condemned to suffer

in the real of suffering
I sometimes glimpse salvation
even occasionally inspiring others to freedom
but mostly compounding my own and inflicting upon others
I often dream, however, my suffering is a necessary task in existence
and I am doing my part

for i am doing what I do
thus it is my duty
until I am appointed another task
for whatever reason

I am aware
I may decide otherwise at any time
I may understand why, or be completely unaware of the change

but this is now.

is Now.

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