today i was presented with a challenge
i came to a deeper understanding of this whole Seattle journey
when, writing to a friend in Prague, i realized i had no intention of actually staying and living in Seattle
i've been making plans for months to head to Europe in the summer
and visit old friends
then head south for new amusements
Prague, Greece, Turkey, Iran? India.
what trick am i pulling?
Leo: i'm terrified of the Real intimacy presented there
all the "i love you"s throw me into a catatonic confusion
i jumped at this dream and suggestion as yet another Out
that being said
i have good reasons for not wanting to Commit to him
it's true: he does not satiate me in the ways i need from my Lover
nor does the Hermitage
though i love it here and Him
and i need more flow
and the continuing of this journey
the more i need to taste and hear and learn to speak
back and forth, boy
i don't want to hold your heart in my hands
i want to caress it
and it's whole beautiful carcass
but not to own...
i wrote an email to my friend Michael up in Seattle
and assuring them that i did still want to visit, but did not want to commit to Commiting... that it must be taken in hand as it comes..
he called me and we talked
and he surprised me
he Challenged me
if you are close to me
either from reading All of these words
or knowing me and being with me
you will hear me talk of my interest and desire in Monogamy as a new experience for me
Michael asked me if i would be willing to Take the Test and if we both are on the same side of the coin
to be monogamous while i am with him
well yes, wow
so many new facets to explore
i was genuinely excited
and upon hanging up the phone after the hour long conversation
i sat and asked myself about it...
what about all the hot guys in Seattle and Vancouver that have been asking for my visit?
what about all those that i can find...
by trolling the park
surfing the net
what's more important
to keep up this compulsive pattern of sex
or put a wrench in it
not by abstinence
but by steady loving
Spring time: great time for a Challenge.
Thank you world
here we come.