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December 10th, 2004

Challenge @ 01:27 am

so
today i was presented with a challenge

i came to a deeper understanding of this whole Seattle journey
when, writing to a friend in Prague, i realized i had no intention of actually staying and living in Seattle
None
i've been making plans for months to head to Europe in the summer
and visit old friends
then head south for new amusements

Prague, Greece, Turkey, Iran? India.

what trick am i pulling?

Leo: i'm terrified of the Real intimacy presented there
all the "i love you"s throw me into a catatonic confusion

i jumped at this dream and suggestion as yet another Out

that being said
i have good reasons for not wanting to Commit to him
it's true: he does not satiate me in the ways i need from my Lover
nor does the Hermitage
though i love it here and Him
i'm growing
and i need more flow
community

different
something else

and the continuing of this journey
the more i need to taste and hear and learn to speak

back and forth, boy
here. now.

i don't want to hold your heart in my hands
i want to caress it
kiss it
and it's whole beautiful carcass
but not to own...


i wrote an email to my friend Michael up in Seattle
explaining
and assuring them that i did still want to visit, but did not want to commit to Commiting... that it must be taken in hand as it comes..

he called me and we talked
and he surprised me
he Challenged me

if you are close to me
either from reading All of these words
or knowing me and being with me
you will hear me talk of my interest and desire in Monogamy as a new experience for me

Michael asked me if i would be willing to Take the Test and if we both are on the same side of the coin
to be monogamous while i am with him

well yes, wow
how exciting
so many new facets to explore


i was genuinely excited
and upon hanging up the phone after the hour long conversation
i sat and asked myself about it...

what about all the hot guys in Seattle and Vancouver that have been asking for my visit?
what about all those that i can find...
by trolling the park
surfing the net
compulsively

hmmm
what's more important
to keep up this compulsive pattern of sex
or put a wrench in it
not by abstinence
but by steady loving

Ha!
Hmmmm

A Challenge

mmmm
Spring time: great time for a Challenge.
Yes.

Ok

Thank you world
here we come.
 
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Comments

 
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From:ink_ling
Date:December 10th, 2004 07:59 pm (UTC)
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Wow! Interesting twist!

Thinking about that lately: What stands between sexual compulsion and sex positivity OR, say, sexual focus or sexual repetition?

Tough one.

Sometimes, my mind is cleared up good and wide after a break from "shopping" for sex. Feels relieving.

I want a casual and sunny slip into Greece!
[User Picture Icon]
From:shamantraveler
Date:December 15th, 2004 04:52 am (UTC)
(Link)
CAW CAW CAW! ...(flap flap flap flap...)

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