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December 6th, 2004

visitors @ 06:55 pm

Current Music: Jacky - Marc Almond

2nd Jewish man who's x-wife is named Barbara

well, not really, one wife is x... the other is Dead.
very different
too reductionist


Last night i watched "Man on the Moon"
continuing my "Jimmy-Carrey, but not that way" Marathon

it brought up a lot of Stuff.

Andy Kaufman thought it was really funny... and not only that, but Necessary
to fuck up the world
bring it down around his ears
he did it through performance art and... Comedy
until all of the hate/aggrivation/negative energy that he generated
came back and gave him cancer and killed him

Once upon a time
i was very angry at the world for... (etc..)
at the age of 19
all of the yoga and drugs i was doing
i was getting really high
and crazy
i was summoning lots of power
personal power
understanding what i means to get to "Christ Consciousness" or "Universal Consciousness"
i worked myself there every day
of course
not connected to my heart directly or anything
and the higher i got
the faster everything i imagined and feared came to manifest
to the point where i had long-since lost control
and was fearful for the world and myself
coz some immature part of myself wanted to destroy the entirety of existance
and the other face of me didn't understand that, completely
but was giving free artistic liscence

on a smaller scale
it hit me the same way
that which i put out
(mmmm, destroying the world)
was being given back to me

the entities i talked to while i was on LSD out in the desert told me pretty clearly...
"honey, we understand why you want to do this.. but that's not what being here is about...
you have to work with the game, sweetie
if you just try and destroy everything
we're not going to play along
coz WE don't want to destroy ourselves
so you're just going to be left out in the cold and atrophy on your own"
i would SIGH
i just wanted REST
i wanted REST on the GOD level
if everything dissolved into Chaos
the entire memory of the history of our world would be scattered
and it would be an unmesurable eternity until something brought it back together again

i DID listen
and i learned
and that's just NOT ok
it's better to grab the great beam of life in yr hands (shooting through your heart, see?)
and perhaps bend it ever so slightly...
it helps..

but love, honey, not too much chaos...

this all comes flooding back to me watching this Andy Kaufman story
and i have this Visitor here
he's Taurus too
and he Jewish
and he's a Rabbi of reconstructive Jewanity (wow, where's my mind?)

blessings as blessings be
we go to light a fire
and i ask him to take a journey with me
he aggrees
and i tell him everything
asking him to watch me closely
to point out where the flaws are

(i used to do this all the time with my teen age friends... but we have foresaken eachother... so i've been missing this game --- consistant readers of this journal will have noticed the post about this a few weeks ago)

he listens
and he finds the big snag
(which resonates which other things i've been writing about... yesterday, even)
: i don't believe in love anymore.

not the kind of love i need.

that is
i have always wanted a lover that will do the work with me
the existential/emotional/magical/sexual/physical/philosphical work
the listening, the talking, the journeying, the re-creation
but i've not seen relationships where that happens
and have never had a lover who really wanted to do that
(sure, i've found some that would SAY they would... but they didn't... and i've had some that would try... but backed out or freaked out... )
i need someone as strong as me.. and stronger (sometimes)
i guess i just broke my heart too many times on this ideal hope
and seared my self against it

but it is neccessary for my survival to believe in such Impossible things

anyone who knows me has heard me say my goals consist of such things as
learning to fly while i'm awake
(in dreams i just lift off...)
and walking ley lines... being a wizard, etc...
where are the teachers?
i won'der if my crowlyite friends know?
among these impossibilities
i must keep my heart whole and pure
and my standards high

know, i love anyone and everyone, really
especially if we can connect
but will never give my heart over as a Husband or Partner or whatever
unless we can take eachother's hands and lift off the ground and sail to the moon
... ney, Soar through the stars.

now tell me
wouldn't it be nice
that if one day in paradise
i'd sing for all the ladies up there

and they would sing along with me
and we so happy then would be
coz Down Below is really nowhere

my name would then be Jupiter
and i would know where i was going
become all-knowing
my beard so very long and Flowing

if i could play Deaf-Dumb and Blind
because i pittied all man-kind
and broke my heart to make things right
i know that every single night

when my angelic work was through
the angels and the devils too
would sing my childhood song to me
about the time they called me Jacky

if i could be
for only an hour
if i could be for an hour every day
if i could be
for just one little hour

in a stupid-ass way...
-- Marc Almond singing "Jacky" by Jacques Brel

i want so badly to Believe
that there is Truth
and Love is real
and i want Life in every Word
to the extent that it's Absurd
-- Ben Gibbard in "Clarke Gable" by the Postal Service
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[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 7th, 2004 06:06 am (UTC)
the things we need aren't necessarily the things we want,
or even the things we think we want.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 7th, 2004 11:16 am (UTC)
well, right
i heard this and understood it
and so let go of the idea of Love as far as i had dreamed it

that's OK
but shouldn't we strive for our ideals?

sometimes being 26 among people in their 40's+ just makes me feel like a silly kid

coz i am
of course
it's where i am.

but my secret wishes have always given light to my eyes
and yeah... sometimes made me crazy.

i see your point though
and should be open to Love however it is manifest for me

but you know as well as i
no matter how great a person is
you can't just stay with them if they leave a large part of you out in the dark

i want to be bathed in light

[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 7th, 2004 06:22 am (UTC)
The problem with wanting to walk the path with someone else beside you is that we all have different paths. So one of you would have to give up their own path for the sake of the other.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 7th, 2004 11:13 am (UTC)
i understand that

don't we walk together sometimes?

i mean
it's not all about being alone, is it?
don't you have a partner?

we help eachother
fortify eachother
support eachother

merge and seperate...
but a unity is made between people sometime
like marriage
it happens all the time
doesn't it?

i have to believe it can happen for me
where i find someone who can be with me in the capacity i need
there are over 6 billion people out there
there should be at least One who wants to do this with me
and will need what i can give as well


i really don't know

hope, for me
sometimes feels like a fever dream

i guess life is all about giving up things to do other things
we're all limited beings here

like key's and locks
some holes and lacks in some people
fit pefectly into the excesses of another
and the door opens...
[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 7th, 2004 01:52 pm (UTC)
Maybe we're just getting stuck on words. But my feeling is that we strengthen each other by helping each other walk our own distinctive paths, not trying to walk the same path.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 7th, 2004 03:30 pm (UTC)
ok, that's very clear
and well understood, yeah
there is the seperateness and togetherness dance
i love and respect relationships between two people
instead of a folding into eachother

there is a type of Presence where the lover can see you clearly
and thus
help you
if only by sight
or comment
or lending a hand

it's that presence i'm wishing for
(in myself and for myself)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 8th, 2004 12:34 am (UTC)
keep a hold of your ideal
it will be shaped, evolve, by your searching/learning
don't let cynicism invade it
you're inventive, mercurial, and know about the flipside of beauty
(jacques brel was beautiful and cute in a kick-ass way
as is marc...I fantasise about performing that song whenever I listen to his version!)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 10th, 2004 02:47 am (UTC)
See, babe
i think i just need to start trying to be in love with guys who are younger and more idealistic

where passion leads us...


love and ideals
it's coming...
life on its way
all around

do you speak french?
i know so very little
but Brel... ahhhhhh
do you perform any songs?
do you have a band?

[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 10th, 2004 03:34 am (UTC)
un petit peu but not enough to converse
I don't perform or have a band, I have been
playing that song a lot lately imagining it in
vaudeville type mode...never knew anyone else who knew the song/marc's version

idealism's funny, I'm always happy to leap into someones idealistic enthusiasm, but theirs wanes pretty soon I find. They start to call it 'folly'...

Yeah go for the younger dudes like myself!! tho I'm neither hairy nor bearish and at 34 look younger than you..ish...
[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 10th, 2004 09:55 am (UTC)
you do! i didn't know you were already over your saturn return
no.. i need them dripping with juice
the 16 year olds!
(is that legal in your country?)

i have had quite a few lovers who have told me the stories of always being attracted to older men
until sometime in their mid/late 30's
when they started to find themselves going after younger and younger men
so i imagine that will happen to me
never know...

i heard of JACKY through the Faeries quite a while back
but never heard it till two years ago
when i found it downloading mp3s at a friend's in Germany
i snagged it
first the Brel version in french
then later
the Marc version
which was hilarious
totally camped up and dripping with gay club culture
Marc's version also key'd off the Magnetic Field's song "Long Forgotten Fairy-Tale" which is very reminicient not only in style (though slower)
but with the line
"there's an old enchanted castle
and the princess there is me
decked out like a christmas tree"

you don't have a band nor do performances, eh?
have you been playing it on your computer or cd player?
or Guitar?

Ideals are precious
as i have said
it takes two to fly together
otherwise you just fly around on your own
which is kinda folly...

it takes a lot of energy to synch ideals together and make them LIVE

but what better to do?
[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 13th, 2004 12:08 am (UTC)
the magnetic fields, must check out his music, (another butt-intervieweewee)
(i don't play any instruments and unfortunately cannot sing - you?)
just been playing on itunes/ipod. I got the Marc Almond album "tenement symphony" with Jacky on it, good album, especially like the song "I've never seen your face", back in 1990 or something.
Yes the gay disco thing is hilarious

fair enough re 16 yr olds - fresh & full o' fruit or the older late 30s/40s hunks who make us drip, love em both - it just became legal here ... see
www.stampingground.com.au for hot young lads

[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 13th, 2004 08:17 am (UTC)
Yeah, i'm a big fan of Stephen Merritt
despite all the times i feel like i shouldn't be
he's just great ...
a kinda medicine only he fulfils right now

and man
i love singing
i sing all the time
to myself
to the trees
and to my friends
i'd highly recommend you stop that "i can't sing" crap
coz it comes from you

have you ever listened to Palace Music or Bonnies Prince Billy?
that guy can't sing and people love him

sing coz it makes you happy...
and it if it doesn't make the people around you happy
sing when you're alone

you know
i started in on the older men thing when i was 14
so i imagine i'll be attracted to young guys when it's my time

it's just not my time yet

i always love kicking around with anyone who brings joy..
and i always love physical contact
even if it's not rock-hard-fuck-rythm
it's still good to touch
[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 13th, 2004 02:06 pm (UTC)
i knew you'd say that... i sing all the time....love it,...around our house we usedta love singing "i had a vision of love...and it was all that you had given to meeeeee" letting it all flow out who cares what it sounds like....so funny and yes JOYOUS!!
ok my statement could have been "i cant sing like marc almond" perhaps.
funny when i get some audio software am gonna get right into recording my voice. Do you know CAN from the early 70s?? way fab!!
love to touch....got amazing massage from chinese guy last night then from three lesbians in a row... then the guy again...
music wise, also recommend the son of ian dury of the blockheads, Baxter Dury. so cute and possibly out of tune.
didi tell u i got butt...reserved at local gay bookshoppe... thanks for extended interview...have been boogieing out at Club Kooky then working then having nice dinner so will sleep then read some time...a waltzing my darlin we'll come a waltzing across the harbour.....I'm singing out LOUD!!!!!and he sang as he watched and waited while his billy boiled......
(no subject) - (Anonymous)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 10th, 2004 02:42 am (UTC)
perfectly fine with me, bub
welcome to the club?
pull up a ...
tree stump
maybe a branch
and wander with me
i'll give a looksie at you as well

who was that again who mentioned you to me?
it didn't translate here...
[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 10th, 2004 12:56 am (UTC)
Hey! naylandblake mentioned you when I was considering going to Short Mountain this Fall. I finally got around to reading a bit of your journal. Really enjoyed reading this. Mind (tipped hat) if I sit in and listen for a while?
[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 10th, 2004 02:44 am (UTC)
Oh, second try made it clear, got it
hmmm, Nay
friend of his is a... ya know.

[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 10th, 2004 07:18 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the welcome, Dog!
Think I'll enjoy the listen-in.
What's more, maybe our paths will cross at some Faerie path or another.

Course, I don't KNOW Nay -- just attend to what he says on here. Still, I take what he says ser'ously. :) And am glad I listened to him here.

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