well, not really, one wife is x... the other is Dead.
Last night i watched "Man on the Moon"
continuing my "Jimmy-Carrey, but not that way" Marathon
it brought up a lot of Stuff.
Andy Kaufman thought it was really funny... and not only that, but Necessary
to fuck up the world
bring it down around his ears
he did it through performance art and... Comedy
until all of the hate/aggrivation/negative energy that he generated
came back and gave him cancer and killed him
Once upon a time
i was very angry at the world for... (etc..)
at the age of 19
all of the yoga and drugs i was doing
i was getting really high
i was summoning lots of power
understanding what i means to get to "Christ Consciousness" or "Universal Consciousness"
i worked myself there every day
not connected to my heart directly or anything
and the higher i got
the faster everything i imagined and feared came to manifest
to the point where i had long-since lost control
and was fearful for the world and myself
coz some immature part of myself wanted to destroy the entirety of existance
and the other face of me didn't understand that, completely
but was giving free artistic liscence
on a smaller scale
it hit me the same way
that which i put out
(mmmm, destroying the world)
was being given back to me
the entities i talked to while i was on LSD out in the desert told me pretty clearly...
"honey, we understand why you want to do this.. but that's not what being here is about...
you have to work with the game, sweetie
if you just try and destroy everything
we're not going to play along
coz WE don't want to destroy ourselves
so you're just going to be left out in the cold and atrophy on your own"
i would SIGH
i just wanted REST
i wanted REST on the GOD level
if everything dissolved into Chaos
the entire memory of the history of our world would be scattered
and it would be an unmesurable eternity until something brought it back together again
i DID listen
and i learned
and that's just NOT ok
it's better to grab the great beam of life in yr hands (shooting through your heart, see?)
and perhaps bend it ever so slightly...
but love, honey, not too much chaos...
this all comes flooding back to me watching this Andy Kaufman story
and i have this Visitor here
he's Taurus too
and he Jewish
and he's a Rabbi of reconstructive Jewanity (wow, where's my mind?)
blessings as blessings be
we go to light a fire
and i ask him to take a journey with me
and i tell him everything
asking him to watch me closely
to point out where the flaws are
(i used to do this all the time with my teen age friends... but we have foresaken eachother... so i've been missing this game --- consistant readers of this journal will have noticed the post about this a few weeks ago)
and he finds the big snag
(which resonates which other things i've been writing about... yesterday, even)
: i don't believe in love anymore.
not the kind of love i need.
i have always wanted a lover that will do the work with me
the listening, the talking, the journeying, the re-creation
but i've not seen relationships where that happens
and have never had a lover who really wanted to do that
(sure, i've found some that would SAY they would... but they didn't... and i've had some that would try... but backed out or freaked out... )
i need someone as strong as me.. and stronger (sometimes)
i guess i just broke my heart too many times on this ideal hope
and seared my self against it
but it is neccessary for my survival to believe in such Impossible things
anyone who knows me has heard me say my goals consist of such things as
learning to fly while i'm awake
(in dreams i just lift off...)
and walking ley lines... being a wizard, etc...
where are the teachers?
i won'der if my crowlyite friends know?
among these impossibilities
i must keep my heart whole and pure
and my standards high
know, i love anyone and everyone, really
especially if we can connect
but will never give my heart over as a Husband or Partner or whatever
unless we can take eachother's hands and lift off the ground and sail to the moon
... ney, Soar through the stars.
now tell me
wouldn't it be nice
that if one day in paradise
i'd sing for all the ladies up there
and they would sing along with me
and we so happy then would be
coz Down Below is really nowhere
my name would then be Jupiter
and i would know where i was going
my beard so very long and Flowing
if i could play Deaf-Dumb and Blind
because i pittied all man-kind
and broke my heart to make things right
i know that every single night
when my angelic work was through
the angels and the devils too
would sing my childhood song to me
about the time they called me Jacky
if i could be
for only an hour
if i could be for an hour every day
if i could be
for just one little hour
in a stupid-ass way...
-- Marc Almond singing "Jacky" by Jacques Brel
i want so badly to Believe
that there is Truth
and Love is real
and i want Life in every Word
to the extent that it's Absurd
-- Ben Gibbard in "Clarke Gable" by the Postal Service