dominicvineoftheowls (dominicvine) wrote,

Addendum: my father's cancer

i wrote a lot about my father while i was back in the midwest a few weeks ago
an occurance i didn't recount:
the last day i was there
my father's dentist got in touch with him and told him a spot in his mouth had come back as being cancerous
a day later
a second biopsy prove to be malignant

a week later
i spoke with my father on the phone
and he told me he'd had two operations
-- he sounded very tired, crestfallen

the next night
in talking with my mother
she asked me if i'd heard about my father's Cancer of the Mouth
and it just fell out of my mouth
"serves him right: all the shit he spits out of his mouth, hopefully it will teach him a lesson, but i doubt it"

i've always been the sort who believes Cancer is caused by Emotions more than environmental toxicity

some organ-metaphore of sickness becoming manifest

as i wrote about
my father screams a lot
and makes people feel horrible
at least Us
the people He Loves
he hurts us the most

of course
all the poison pouring out of his mouth must sting him a little each time
and over time...

but i don't hold ill-will to my father
and it is very important to me that i stay in a state of forgiveness with him

forgiveness and love

after the week i spent with him
upon my return
so much of him had rubbed of on me
the first few days i was back
i felt like a natural bigot, racist and misogynist
it was so shocking to me that i noticed it in every occurrence

i was raised like that
and certainly have remnants of it in my psyche that i deal with at times
but rarely do i ever feel it so strongly and Seriously as i did in those few days

--- my father is really not a good influence on me

STILL, i don't wish him any harm

even, when i was talking with a friend (of 75) last night
talking about the longevity of our relatives
i spoke of my father
heart attack, diabetes, cancer of the mouth
a part of me just wished he die now
so i didn't have to suffer through watching him with the strokes and elderly demential/helplessness
some how spare me the guilt of not going to take care of him any longer than a few hours before he expires

Love for that man
some Kinda Love
i do not understand
my love...
i wish
i always say this
for years and years
i wish i were a better lover.

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