one of the things that was very poignant about this week
is how we never touch
it became most noticeable the few times i posted for pictures
we don't touch.
none of us touch.
it's why my mom and i have become body workers, i'm sure
a context for touching
it's why my father grabs my hand every time i give him a massage (he did again tonight: held it)
when we go to take a picture
we all stand very close to eachother for the picture
then notice how WRONG it feels to be so close and NOT TOUCHING
so we all put our arms around eachother and stand there with [false] smiles
maybe the girls touch more...
one of my aunts (ukranian, in-law) freaked out when she got my mom's gift for the exchange:
a half hour massage
she says she hates being touched, can't stand it
yet whenever she's drunk
she paws me all over
still: even touching is very different than BEING touched.
it's so terribly dissapointing to me
i just wish i could lay around touching people all the time
people i love
i wish i were in a nest or something
[to quote morrissey]
"but i'm Alone
i'm alone i'm alone i'm alone i'm alone i'm alone"
and the lyrics from the cat power song (linked in the first line)
i couldn't find them transcribed as i hear them
more like this:
was a photographer
i'd take a picture of you
i guess the major
mistake i did
was probably takin
a picture of you
who never showed you
about the easy way?
and who's role did they trade you
oh, for such a perfect life
well, at least some certainty
but you never look
inside your mind
and that's all i have.
yeah, that's totally how i felt growing up like this.
not so much about not touching
but that constant terrible distance
and being trapped: living always only in my head
and hating everyone else for their false securities
secure from me