even a letter to an old friend @ 01:21 am
is there good beer there?
i keep wondering where i should write you. . .
am i a trick or am i work?
i want to be in your sacred life
not just interract with your profane character
it's not important, of course
i just like to overthink things
especially when i'm tired
i always wish i had a better handle on myself
be able to control my actions as i imagine is the best way to do so...
i wonder how you're doing
i wish i were with you
drinking at every bar we passed
entering every church there was
down cobble stones
before you were too heavy to complain about walking all the time
-- city squares: flea markets
saunas, of course
a place where it felt sex was healthy and social and fun
we could compare notes and have adventure
not that i feel i'm stuck here or bored or with the blues
but that i'm desperately trying to take life seriously
and be grateful
and take care of the graces i have
nourish and propigate
instead of squandering and wandering.
i recently wrote a bit about my idea of religion
that is: if i have one
... my spiritual model seems to follow joy and ecstasy to surprise
a knowing surprise, but an exciting mystery none-the-less
i have a faith, an understanding
a gnosis that seems all-encompassing
if i look at anything too closely
tucked in amongst all of the clear understanding
is a "?"
some sort of variable...
or an infinite unknown....
even, though, my faith covers something like a π
something theoretically knowable--- except at heart it is unknown
so no matter how far you look into it
it is forever unable to complete in any single understanding.
this is a "god' i experience often
in yoga or herbal experiences
not so often in sex anymore
not so often in love, now: no.
but through meditation and journey work...
and i wonder about your God
is He something you feel you finitely understand?
or is He even a mystery to you?
can you love him with total intimacy and feel you know him?
or know that there is a part of you that knows him completely
even if you cannot embody that in entire...
i am sorry i was not able to massage you while you were here
i am sorry we didn't get to smoke that salvia together
i am sorry i never tried to have a great love-affair with you
by the time i came into your life i wanted nothing to do with it
and it only happened once between you and i
and it was when i was left alone in Amsterdam missing you
we've always loved eachother
but only then did i ever dream for a future for us.
truth be told
i rarely dream of futures
and looking back on it
i don't know if i know what that future was
perhaps it was just a trick played on me by my heart
a trick many love
for even though that future is also unknown
it is so attractive
because it will be experienced with The Lover
do you still dream of The Lover from time to time?
i've always imagined you have him in Jesus
who are the same to you
as i was sitting on the train tonight listening to music
a bit in awe about how i had heard the perfect order of the Lord in even broken odd electronic music
then i laughed at /slapped myself
EVERYTHING IS THE LORD
why do i always forget?
it's hard to keep eternity in mind all of the time, yeah?
i want to write all the time, is the point
i want to discipline myself so it is what i do most
getting up occasionally to do yoga
go for walks
and make food.
why can't i do it?
these horses are so strong.
so i wish i could hear your stories
the beers you're drinking
the one-liners you're spouting
the beauty you're appreciating
even through the filth and perversions
you always wear such a smile on your face
i can't look at your blog
i can't see your flickr stream
nor can i call you on your mobile while i walk around these cooling streets
so i wanted to take a little time to generate a connection with you
read this when you can
i hope you enjoyed your visit here
and i am sorry i had to get sick
i suppose we should just have a platonic friendship from here on in
know that i am back to about %90 wellness now-- pretty alright
and i hope that you are doing well, feeling energized
and having your adventures
last or not
eat some luscious cheese for me
lick out some luscious hoods for me
drink some rich beers for me
eat some hearty breads for me
smoke some big dumb-dumbs for me
gaze upon some beautiful old stones for me
have some simple and endless conversations for me
fall in love with some strangers for me
i'm here wrestling with my angels
staying home for once
making them happy
taking a beating
making them tea
listening to the children crying for their milk
i'm learning how to save.