Log in

No account? Create an account

Vertical Prose

July 19th, 2008

Voice Post @ 11:34 pm

1010K 5:05
(no transcription available)
Share  |  Flag |


[User Picture Icon]
Date:July 20th, 2008 01:10 pm (UTC)
Sounds like New York.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:July 22nd, 2008 11:32 pm (UTC)
So sorry to hear about the relentless raging of the dreaded drama queens! It all sounds tres New York.

I also have to observe that even though Mercury was Retrograde *last* month, the past couple of weeks have just been nonstop communications snafu HELL for nearly everyone I know--on every level! I have no idea what's up with the planets, but I hope it moves on to the next thing and SOON!

hugs, Shimmer
Date:July 24th, 2008 07:49 am (UTC)
I fill spintered, vacant, airless and abandoned.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:August 11th, 2016 10:47 pm (UTC)

Transcription (1)

only listen to this voice post if you want to hear me bitch for five minutes
and explain why i’m going to be antisocial for a couple weeks

otherwise you should stop listening right now

a couple of days ago
i’d say a friend
somebody i’ve known eight months
not really a friend
emails me and says
“good job embarking on your character assassination of me
you’ve lashed out at the wrong person
truth is irrelevant

and he tells me no idea what this is about

so i email the only person i think might have said something to him
and he of course refuses to address what i’m asking
i’m not going to say
He said She Said

and I’m just like
all i know is this person who is friendly with me and has helped me a lot and been nice to me
is now really pissed off at me in a total drama queen psycho kinda way
which made me feel bad

so this person who responded also says
you know, i’m upset with you
but i don’t know why
but we should be friends
we should be at peace

i have committed to doing a lot of work for myself
and for RFD
which is also for myself. . .
for learning and . . .
the idea of fallowing through with some kind of community
or having some kind of responsibilities
that i can actually respond to and live up to
which i don’t seem to be able to fucking do
and the entire day
i’m like on the phone
i’m trying to catch up with my life a little bit
responding to emails
talking with people on the phone for three fucking hours
and not even all of the people i intended to communicate with
did i get to communicate with today

i start working on RFD
and some guy who has been wanting to have sex with me for 8 months or something
emails me and says
hey, can i come over right now?
and i say
i’m working, you should go to the beach
and he said
“can i just come by and you can tell me where the beach is”
and i say
well i will suck you off real quick
whatever the fuck it’s good to have a distraction from work

he’s not here for very long
i try to record it with my camera and fuck up my camera
i didn’t break it
i just don’t get a recording
and it’s kinda lame
and i’m just like
well whatever

i get back to work
and i’m working
and i’m working

and this guy i gave a massage to a couple of days ago
was going to give me a massage tonight
my body feels like shit
i’ve been so tired for two weeks
my whole body is hurting
i feel like crap

a massage would be exactly what i need tonight
even though i have a lot of work to do
it would be so worth it to get on the train and go over there
it’s an hour to get over to the east side
i end up having my head stuck in a video game
and i miss my stop
which puts me in long island city
there were two events i was supposed to go to tonight
which i cancelled on both of them
because i just wanted to get my work done
and take care of myself
coz i’ve been so exhausted and feel like shit

so when i get to long island city
the E train heading back into manhattan just pulls up
i don’t have time to get on it
i have to wait 15 minutes to get on the next one
so i end up a half hour later than i want
and it’s a long walk over to this guy’s apartment
coz he lives by 1st ave
and i get there
and he says “yeah, my brother is going to be back, so i’m sorry i can’t give you a massage”
we hang out for a half hour
then i have to leave before his brother gets back
so i waste four hours of travel
and don’t get a massage
and don’t get any work done

so i come back here to this response from this guy
who i think pissed off this other guy
and he just rips me a new asshole
because of course
i was telling him what i was pissed off about
and he’s just being really mean
and being an asshole

and i don’t really care
which is a problem

Edited at 2016-08-11 10:48 pm (UTC)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:August 11th, 2016 10:47 pm (UTC)

Transcription (2)

to mention another thing
i decided to contact the first guy i ever had sex with here in NYC who was an openly gay man
even though we had a terrible falling out nine years ago
i still have some affection for him
i think about him often
i talk about how he affected my life

so i feel my friends
and i email him and say
Hi How Are You Doing?
he responds with aggressiveness and defensiveness
and we have two email exchanges before he blows up at me
and says my ego is such a huge inflated mess
this other kid tells me ego is a huge inflated mess
and i have no self criticism
and i have no artistic abilities
and i just feel like
a total idiot
of course
and i’m pissing off everyone around me
and everybody hates me right now

and i hate all of them
i don’t really care

it’s not that i hate all of them
i don’t want any of them to be angry at me
and there is certainly a part of me that really cares for them
and wants all of them to be OK and not feel hurt
at the same time i feel like they are being total idiots
so. . .
where is my level of compassion
where is my level of fuck off, right?
so, you know
i guess i respect the friend who is like “fuck off” more than the other ones
but at the same time
none of this is useful
“fuck off” is not exactly useful
especially if it’s coming from all directions

except about turning inside and looking at myself
so i’m planning on spending the next two weeks being antisocial
doing my work
and not interacting with people very much
and trying to just examine myself

so if you’re curious
that’s why i’m gone.

Edited at 2016-08-11 10:48 pm (UTC)

Vertical Prose