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January 26th, 2004

first impressions... @ 09:30 pm

Ok,
so it's an american jesuit evangelical vampyre cult.


no...

but, oh golly.

i walked up to the Casa de Dom Ignacio
and felt the energy pulling me
whipped me past the door
i started buzzing everywhere
started giggling
got all excited

but when i walked inside
there were mostly americans
singing "praise god" to the tune of "amazing grace"
and i thought >> mmm, when will michael start rowing his boat a-shore?"

it wasn't too long, i assure you.

but there was a time when i was ok with all of this
when i knew that whatever way it took for people to express their relationship with god was OK
whatever they needed to do to feel holy, OK

and i don't think this is all about that, what i saw just now
João wasn't there, some guy named Ron Roth ...
americans. lots of them.

white
Clean
Christians

clean...

i know about wanting to be clean
and was scared
feeling all the energy racing through me

are they trying to suck my life out?

in spiritual stuff as well as sex
i get nervous about losing all my energy
when i get scared
i get very limited
and when i am limited
i am small

i am a small one,

sometimes...

but it did feel good.

as i all "spiritual" situtations i walk into
i was paid much attention to
got a place to sit right up front, was beckoned,
was sent to be blessed first
but then they let the wheel-chairs and children go a-head of me

i'm not worried

and i looked at all the people
in whatever way feeling they needed something so strongly
the man on stage talking about ho he wasn't neccessary
but doing the religeous double talk
which tries to empower people
but is still trying to keep them stuck to the tit

ahhh...

i looked at all the people
in pain and suffering
or in need of something
and
as i always do when i see these people
i blessed them

i am not really jesus, i swear
nor am i an angel, just...

but everyone needs love

god knows i do

so Josie said not to do any healing
just let myself be healed

and this is an art, being passive
some of you know of my endevours

so i will rest
i will practice Not Doing
and let myself recieve...

Yesterday was nice
i woke in the middle of the day
the house was filled with the remnants of last night's party
and mom...

they layed around all day watching TV and talking

i told them i envied that
just doing nothing

... but with friends!

a long time ...

so i went out
down town
filled with the preayta (hungry ghost) of lust
and just not getting any
the city was a full on party

i walked out of the train into the toilets to take a piss
and realized everyone in there was cruising...
tea-room style
third-world style

ugh
i left and went to see the cathedral...

simple in the same way
looked like it was mostly made of cinderblocks
but the moasics were beautiful, took some photos i hope i can send to Leo to add to his appreciation...

and went out to walk around the city

nothing called me
nothing was pulling my interest
i just wandered
hungry
but nothing made me want to eat it
all the way to Republica square again
looking for sex
but it was filled with markets
and a little cruising...

i bought some aquamarine and some local delicasies to fill my belly
then onward to the party at Anhagabau
they had blocked off the main highway in the centre of town
filled with people drinking and dancing
and all seemed to be waiting... for something

i cruised around

yes,and
just to see all the people
and the city
from walking in SUCH a car-only space...

i only talked to one person the whole day

the husband of the Crown i had been lusting after
we had our customary "chaser" relationship
of talking about sexy beefy men we saw

i felt so tired of myself

i danced along the semi trucks filled with people from each neighbourhood (Barra) celebrating their city
they gave me the "Bom!" (good~)

i walked a few Ks
then it started to rain
i took of my shirt and allowed myself to get drenched
while everyone was running for cover
i was dancing in it
and reveling...

getting a bit of attention

i was so tired of all this
didn't need it
just going home to sleep...

so i went back
wrote for a bit
but never got around to this...

i went to sleep

and had a dream i went to visit Danny J Kemp
he lived in a large mansion in a dangerous area of town
and after i'd been staying there for a few days
we came home once and found someone had broke in
we walked around tentatively
and then the man jumped out at me
and i knocked him unconscious...

his soul went into my camera/HD

danny and i kept him up all night while we slept
little ways to torture the bugger...

and then D and i went on a cruise
and stowed the body of the theif in the cargo bay
the HD up in our cabin, keeping both seperate to torture the man more
then, like in a movie, the body was soliliquied and showed turning into a large lizard
then a woman with blond hair
who went around eating people's lives
i was terrified
and woke up startled

couldn't sleep again.

this morning was annoying
i have got to the point where i am frustrated with brazil

not only am i having a language problem here
but i just feel like everything is stupid
half-assed
un-refined
like america
but un-better
and who needs that?

the cities, dommi, the citties

my mind is a judgemental monster
i want my head cut off and the head of something noble-r put on...

eventually i got to the airport to meet my mother
and we are together now

i am shocked to know i will be with her for two weeks
and in this setting
such intense
>> i will HEAL, i will be CLEAN, oH GOD HELP ME!<<
yeah, we all know i need it
we need it
i want to be whole
"the prayer is always for wholeness"

she and i have the same sexual problems..
mine takes about two weeks to develope
she's had hers for years with my dad

we begin to loathe our lovers
don't want them to touch us
can't bear to have sex with them

love turns to hate...

and i just discovered that i did give another friend ghonnorea

i say "friend"
but i don't know if i mean it

i say

i don't love anyone right now
don't feel a thing

not even faking it well right now

and this is unacceptable

i want to love
i want to really care

and to know this apathy
this dis-passion
is hurting people that i (cooly) Respect
is
unacceptable

perhaps i will have to be abstinate for a while
it's about fucking time

i am sorry for all those i have used and abused

gotta whip this boy into shape

or let him die
and be re-born
(in the year 3003, i'll be back to save the world)
 
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