(sometimes i tell the story at 13.. but in this chronology, we'll say 14)
when i was a little kid i was called "Nicky"
everything with the letter "N" starting it out was MINE
that's why i loved Nintendo over Sega (for those of you who remember that rivalry)
one kid i was kinda friends with (i don't remember now where we met, but he wasn't at our school... he was adopted.. and a bit of a social reject... i think he was home-schooled... live on a huge property with horses and all sorts of toys an only child could want) Kevin...
i knew him a few years. . .
when i was with him, once, when i was 13, playing video games
an older friend of his asked my name, Kevin told him
and he grunted
"Nicky... maybe when you're older your balls will drop and you'll get a real Man's name"
i was shocked!
so i changed my name to Nick as i went into High School, though i'd always kinda hated that name
and it only lasted one year
when i turned 15 i was even more fully myself and adopted my true birth name: Dominic
still, it took until i was 28 before my father switched from calling me "Nicky", only occasionally "Nick" to "Dominic"
Daniel gave me a Morrissey CD for my birthday:
-- it really helped change my life
that was right around the time "Tomorrow" was released on Single
and i saw it on MTV 120 Minutes and thought it was so fucking great
so Dan gave me what he thought was the best Moz album
then TJ, Sheri and Ryan gave me copies of the tapes. . .
which i very quickly stole CD copies of from Best Buy...
as i mentioned
i had learned to shoplift when i was 12
but was always very meager around it...
but when i got the sanction from Morrissey
i started wandering away from my parents when we'd drive out to the malls
and walk around Best Buy tucking as many CDs into my pockets as i could
-- i think i started this in the Winter
and i was always into Long Coats (getting into Joy Division later that year certainly helped)
i'm pretty sure this was fairly soon after Best Buy first opened up...
so they had ordered pretty much EVERY CD available at the time
... so i would just grab things i'd heard about in conversations with Sheri and Ryan's older siblings
or Dan... who was always reading British music magazines...
i got good enough at taking off the security tags and slipping them in my pockets unseen
that i was pulling in 8 to 12 a trip
(but that came later...)
my brother and i had signed up for Columbia house the year before, i think...
did i mention?
My first ever Record (that is, 12" 33rp Vinyl) was "He's the DJ, I'm the Rapper" by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince
but my first ever CD was "Violator" by Depeche Mode
my brother was really into Boys II Men and INXS
:this is where we started to really derivate
That Summer, i remember going up to Uncle Denny's cabin in Michigan
... one of the last times i hung out with Brett (a cousin, i don't think i've seen him since)
playing Dungeons and Dragons...
worshiping the CD walkman my dad lent me
hanging on Moz's every word. . .
That was the summer i REALLY got stoned for the first time
second time i smoked pot
was with Kris and David
K's parents were out of town
we were in the terrible sub-division he lived in
i tried to smoke from the pipe
but kept coughing it out
so david held my arms behind my back and Kris pinched my nose and mouth
i blew out all my air and was gasping for breath
and the stuck the pipe in my mouth and made me inhale deep
then covered my mouth again
i was fucking dying
but they held it in me for quite a while
i coughed it out
and we sat down to watch "Menace II Society" i think- i don't remember anything about it but the crackhead "i'll suck your dick" part
then time broke
and we were going through his mother's old hippy clothes
and putting on skirts and tie-dyed pants
then we were walking through the suburbs
and the houses were flashing from reality
to Apple IIG graphics:
Black back ground with white outlines and no details
seconds turned into hours
all that shit
but it was pretty amazing
i remember they called it "skunk creeper weed--- sneaks up on you slow and wipes you out"
it was soon after when Kris and Bozzy, i think, drove me out to the mall
or was it Doug?
it was some older kid who was kinda fat and a total stoner
slightly (just slightly)
i think i wanted to have sex with him
but i wasn't clear that that type of desire was the "want to have sex with him" type of desire
it just felt like the "i want to be with him, just the two of us... i have no idea how to relate to him... or why... , i have no idea what we'd talk about, but i know i'd like to be alone with him"
because even then i lived in my mind and was really into judging people by how "smart" they were as opposed to what they could do or do for me
i'd told them i'd been stealing CDs when i took trips out with my parents
they were amazed
so wanted me to teach them
they got me really really stoned first
i explained to them the basics
but the whole situation was far too surreal
and all that fucking classic paranoia stuff
i was a mess
so i was not being "cool" and i was very "obvious"
12 Cds or something
and the alarm gates went off
when they took me into the back room
it was, oddly, a New Order interview disk called "NewSpeak" (referencing Orwell's "1984")
they took all sorts of info
called my parents
Kris and whoever drove home without me
i was put on a list of people not allowed to come back into Best Buy stores
and was sent off to some Juvenile holding cell to wait for my mother to come pick me up
Yeah, she was crying.
i could work it off my record if i did so many hours of Community service
The beginning of that summer i'd got a job at Taco Bell
it was illegal, i think i got the job a few weeks before i turned 14
something like that
i think i only worked there two or three months
but i have fond memories of working the drive through window and saying things like
"welcome to Taco Bell, may i kill your dog?"
because everything was so mumbled and rote that no one paid attention
... but the little kids would start crying in the back seat
i would give free burritos to the stoner kids . . .
but when i had to start doing community service
i let the job go
i worked at the Boy's and Girls club in ZIonsville
... it was really close to Sheri's house
so that helped us become better friends
i'd walk over to her place when i got off shift
and we'd talk about her boy friend... who was three years older than her
and was causing all sorts of drama
i thought he as really cool...
i thought anyone older was really cool
(i've had that mis-perception for a very long time)
when i completed my work service
i took a steady job there
going from the summer shifts
to the after-school shifts
watching these kids with worse family lives than mine:
being the daddy
it was fun
i'd bring in my Super NES and play BomberMan with them...
all of this to set the scene for the person i was being now...
i let my hair grow out
and turned into an angry boy
a SMART angry boy
all of my years up til now
i'd desperately wanted everyone to like me
and no one did
when i met TJ and Sheri
i started to find real friendship with them
(though i'd had other friends in the past... it wasn't like a whole new world that made me a new type of Elite: that's what happened with these new kids)
i went from wanting to please everyone
to wanting to piss everyone off
all of a sudden i fucking hated everyone
and all of a sudden
they all loved me
it was fine
they could go fuck themselves
i was doing acting and wrestling
and i remember that first semester:
i'd signed up for Typing class
never got to take the second semester in it (so i still have some trouble, though i'm a fast typer, i usually have to look at my fingers to find the numbers)
i wasn't a great wrestler
but i loved it
because of how it made me use my body
and though i'm a faggot
i have to admit
these guys didn't make me hard
... that's not why i was doing it
but being SO close to these people was really amazing
it was the perfect antidote for the life i lived in my head
i'd been Asthmatic
when i turned 14
i decided that was stupid and i wasn't going to be it any more
so i'd just force myself through my collapsing bronchioles
and huff huff huff
i never was the top of my weight class
i didn't compete in the real matches
but still loved practice...
and that year
the school had got a new Choir teacher
-- he'd come upstairs where we practiced wrestling
and work out in the gym up there
some of the bigger guys would challenge him to a match
and he started wrestling regularly after practice . . .
he was about 160lbs...
i was about 120 at the time
i thought he was huge
but he was about 5'8"
i may have been the same height, or a bit smaller...
i was entranced by him:
his big arms
and so hairy:
his chest was bristling from all edges of his shirt
which he'd always take off to wrestle...
i asked David if he'd ever wrestled him
coz David was 140/145
he said he had, but lost
i suggested we tag team him
so one day
This Teacher... i'll call him Satyr...
well, we started wrestling pretty regular, he and i
and i dropped Typing class so i could join Chorus
i was still in Band, playing Tuba
which took lots of my time after school: Marching band, football games and concerts (---> band fag )
Being in Chorus made my time even more full
plus being in plays... and wrestling.
but Sheri, Dan, Dustin and Ryan were in Chorus, so it put me more in the posse too...
he would body slam me
punch my chest
laugh at how weak i was
and basically pin me pretty quick
and let me squirm and struggle under him for 10 minutes... sometimes a half hour
yeah, i felt he was hard through our shorts
yeah, i was drowning in sweat from his furry chest he was forcing my face in
yeah, sometimes i saw the huge wet splotch on his groin when he let me up
but we never talked about it
i injured myself in practice with one of the loser kids
he was a fish
just collapsed when i was trying to flip him
he fell around my leg
and pulled me down on top of him
: my foot stayed in one place
my body twisted
and my knee tore
so... no more wrestling for the team....
but i'd work out in the gym upstairs
and did some rehab
so i was back on the mats with Satyr in no time
i thought it was odd
but would do anything by that point
when he asked me to bite his nipples...
the smell of his sweat and Old Spice...
i'd wear it on me as often as i could...
but we'd always shower together after our matches...
alone in the locker room after the entire school had emptied out
cept for the cleaning crews...
i'd struggle to think of anything not sexual
while i watched the soap caress his body
those lucky bubbles licking all the places i wanted to go
his pale pale skin visible behind
his dark dark dark fur
one day, near the end of the year
i walked into his office and asked him if he'd hit the mats with me
.. he regretted he didn't bring his work-out clothes with him
"and i've got a Parent/Teacher meeting in and hour and a half, so i've got to look nice: i can't wrestle you in the clothes i'm wearing"
-' so take them off '
"what, and wrestle you like the greeks?"
... it took me a second to understand what he meant, i was just going to suggest he wrestle in his underwear
'yeah, like the greeks'
there was a pause
"no, not today Nick"
' wimp! '
"yeah, I'll make you eat your words tomorrow"
i walked on
chewing it over in my mind..
The next day
we were up in the gym
and when we were finished
i was running for the mats
but he said
"no, let's just go to the showers. . ."
'awwww, two days in a row you're skipping out on me!'
in the showers
and trying not to look at him
i turn around
with my back to him
i put my hands up in my hair to wash it. . .
and he comes up behind me and puts me in a full nelson
(which is an illegal move in high school wrestling, i might add)
his tumescent cock was pressing into my butt crack
and my heart stopped
"did you mean what you said about wrestling me like the greeks?"
' ahhh, yeah....'
"is this alright with you? are you ok with this? is this what you want"
' yes '
and bucked against him: the wrestling began
with the hot water streaming down on us
within seconds we were down on the cement floor
how many times had i dreamed about this?
written long descriptions in my journal about this?
and now he would lift my legs and fuck me (i'd never been fucked)
and we'd be in love
and i could stop living with my parents
and got up
the water pouring against his chest
down his furry belly
over his hard cock
i jumped up and put his dick in my mouth
-- he has a birth-mark right there...
and he stepped back
"Nick... that is not what we're doing. . . I think you have the wrong idea... we're wrestling, we're not having sex"
' ahhhmmmm. ok. but can we start having sex? i'd really like you to fuck me. i love you '
" I love you too Nick, but like Jonathan loved David... not in a carnal way "
Let me explain: this guy was a Born Again Baptist.
it was (is?) very trendy in Indiana (probably the whole midwest)
get Born Again
i was raised catholic
but i had no idea who Jonathan and David were...
I also had NO idea what love was, i may have mentioned that before
and when i started this whole thing with him
it was very calculated:
i wanted to be a writer when i got older
and i figured: all good writers need good stories, right?
but in the last few months
i'd started obsessing about him
and could only think about when i'd see him next
i told Ted about him
and referred to him as "32" because that's what age he was when i first met him
by the time this scene in the showers was happening
he'd turned 33 (april something) and i'd stopped being friends with Ted:
we'd smoked pot together somewhere
and he really didn't like it
and frowned on me doing it
though he thought Cigarettes were cool
i thought cigarettes were gross: my grandmother smoked them
and i thought sex with Ted was boring
i told him that
i said "i liked our friendship better before we were always having sex.. could we be friends again and stop with the sex?"
-- he stopped being my friend
and though i missed him
i had TJ and Sheri and those... and now Satyr
but with Ted gone
Satyr was my only sexual outlet
and i lost my cool calculated head about it
and dreamed that he was my real father
one of my favourite stories!
starting when i was 11
i would sit in church every sunday
looking at all the Fathers (daddies) around me in the pews
and imaging they were my real father
and when the songs were over
they would take my hand
with love in their eyes
and they would take me home
and i'd imagine my new brothers and sisters
and our nice new house. . .
by the time i was 12
i became terrified of church
because it occurred to me that all of these people actually believed in this insanity
- i'd thought it was some sort of theater before
but when i realized it was a REALITY View
i was shocked and appalled
my mother demanded i attend until i got confirmed, which was shortly after i turned 15
so at 14,
i would enjoy singing
but mostly sit in the pews
looking at all the daddies
and wonder what their bodies were like under all those clothes....