but not my obsessions with it
i really loved the first "Coxinha" i had
(little thigh. potato filled with chicken)
but the rest have't been as great
and i got really tired of fried food after a few days
by the time i got to ilhabela i was totally freaked out and desperate for whole food
i was eating lots of banana
started craving green things
i learned a long time ago that my body is my key to my happiness
if i am not eating good food i am very unhappy
i need to regularily be having good sex
or doing lots of yoga
or just walking a lot
so, my last day on the island
i discovered brazilian avocados...
big, soft, rich
i ate it on the buss home
in all my stress and confusion
i decided to stop eating meat
i find this often helps...
but it's very difficult here..
i preferred no cheese..
last night i got in to my crash..
but eventually called Danilo
feeling like a beggar
but he was just being an angel
what is it with me and my Daniel angels?
i had a Daniel from my early teen-age days
he taught me to be an anglophile and dandy
and found Danny J (kemp) when i first stayed up at Leo's
as a fun friend, supportive, playful
full of heart and stories and ... kiddishness
then there was the other danny j i went to hawaii with
a saviour of ways of music
(dannies and music)
then my dani in NYC, who entroduced me to live journal... "Devanand_tree"
he appeared as my friend i could hang out with and be gay but not have to have sex with all the time
friend and girl friend
chatting about all the guys we were smitten with
and sharing music
and other sultry bits
-- definately an angel
does any one have any good stories about "daniel" to tell me?
i wonder about so many things...
like that conversation i had with Eli on my way out of NYC that one day
stuck in traffic
it gave me plenty of oppurtunity to think of things from our conversation and call him back
" i often notice you say you want things but you're always doing the opposite of getting them"
i didn't call him back
but it occured to me that
"Want" means "lack of", i believe
so i would only express "want" about something missing in my life
yes, i would be doing things that made that absent
and i would notice the want
and then change direction
to include it
the funny thing about rational choices
is they are limited in scope
allows one to fix one problem
while often creating others..
when i was crazy and drugged out and living on sunlight in the bunker in Ariziona
when i was 19
i remember deciding to not ever know anything ever again
to just open myself to all the knowledge of all the spirits in the world
so when i needed something
it would be there
regaurdless of my training of it
this never really worked
but i still somewhat work on this principle
and back then
i remember when i stopped doing drugs for a while
started doing yoga every day for the first time
and eating whole foods
which gets me back to food.
Danilo picked me up from the front of the Vermont-Bear
(the bear-bar here in São Paulo)
i had been staggeringly talking to a man named Joaquim
oh, so beautiful
a little garden gnome indeed
little glasses, stocky little dense frame
long thick dark beard
kinda reminded me of yacov
if yacov were ever calm and collected
but with the same brilliant excitement about everything
and if yacov ever wore his beard down out in public
the conversation didn't go too far
as i don't speak portugese yet
and he doesn't speak english
but it was fun
we both enjoyed it
Danilo picked me up
(trying to stay on track)
and took me to another part of town to an all-night bakery
and got me a avacado-yoghurt shake
and a sandwich with ARUGALA!
oh, i was so thankful for all the greens
and the danny-angel
i still didn't sleep well, though.
today i went to a green mountain top north of the city with a Claudio
and realized that my throat was getting sore
NOT because of my self-imposed guilt trips about my trampy desires
but because of the fucking terrible air quality here in SP
it's not as bad as Gary Indiana, though
and just breathing this stuff makes my throat hurt
it was amazing to see São Paulo spread out in the valleys and plains below the mountain
it just went on forever into the smoggy distance
more than Los Angeles
just forever and ever...
i ate another fried thing on that mountain, though
and it reminded me
so the Claudio talked with me about his favourite food: beringela (eggplant)
he's very italian
so we went to his house ( got some fresh olive oil, which i've also been craving )
visited with his italian mother
and spent a few hours cooking
that's another way to make me very happy
to spend a long time cooking something beautiful
and then spend a long time eating it
when eli visited my parent's house in indiana
he came away from the one meal he spent with us
with this: " you are all sensualists.. "
he'd never heard people talk about all the qualities of the food the entire meal...
and this Claudio also made mayonaise the way his spanish aunt taught him:
just a yoke, mashed garlic and salt and oil, stir stir stir stir
and hmmmm, so so so so so so good.
i don't eat mayonaise much
but to make it fresh
and the eggplant was lovely too
then i took a nap on his bed
which was so lovely and firm.. and filled with magnets..
how can i describe his house?
he lives in the town outside of SP where the airport is near...
he lives outside of the town, on the hills...
i've never been anywhere so "third world"
all the cars all smashed up
all the houses dilapadated (at least they looked that way)
and the beautiful crystal view of the lush green mountain across the way (hiding the airport)
the little girl walking among the broken stairs
living a bamboo pole that supported the clothes-line
moving it down into a casam to bring the clothes closer for her little arms to reach
and take down and fold.
after my nap from eating too much
it was dark
and i walked out on the poarch and tried to see the stars...
but still too much light pollution
and down in the valley there were crys and crashes and the sound of a party
"that's just regular" claudio sayd
a fire in the valley
like a hippy party
but if i walked up
could i have sang along?
i was flabber-gasted
i get really cranky when i'm tired
and this claudio kept selling himself to me
like i'd just stay with him and marry him and stuff
telling me how great he was
though we could hardly communicate
telling me his insecurites
"when i was a child, my mother took me to many many many doctors because she was afraid my penis was too small"
'mmm, yes, mothers are crazy'
and a car almost side-swiped us on the way to his house
"that was an aboriginal driver"
"have you ever made love with negro?"
assumed predjudices piss me off
like my syster yelling at some car and saying "fucking chinese drivers" or my father, when i was growing up, always "women drivers"
like it's ok to assume an entire cast of people are just stupid
(and, of course, we're not)
grrr, so by the end of the evening i was just really annoyed with the whole thing
and had to forably tell him to leave NOW and take me to the metro
he just kept stalling
mama at the hospital
still, i found my way home
back to danny's
where the party was still going on
and a little girl was so excited to get to practice her english with me
and danny walked up to me and said
"you look tired, go upstairs and take a shower and go to sleep"
but , of course, i have to write for an hour first.
it's not so important that it gets read, of course
i've written like this my whole life
but i like writing thinking that other people Can read this
which is kinda terrifying
>>would i want someone saying that about me?"
but i am a very judgemental person, honestly
so it's good to express that
it's good to show people that we all have monsters inside of us
even if mine is a bit larger than some
it's also good to express this like this
coz i too-often get people calling me
which isn't bad
but that it's not True
or maybe it is.